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Phoenix Rises Again

by LachrymoseBeauty

Entries 28

Page 1 of 2

15 hours ago

Just Wasting My Time..

So I drove all the way here. Five and a half hours. Messed up my hotel reservation, had 200 bucks go missing from my account, exposed my son to covid and didnt even get to see Jay. His band pulle...


3 days ago

Flaw of the Mind

Communication. Communication. Something I seem to be failing at. I’ve been told from the very beginning. Need to work on this. Need to do it better. ADHD. Emotional instability. I’m sick of my o...


4 days ago

34 sucks

My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do ...


Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Every...


7 days ago

Wtf life

Just found out both my parents have covid. And a friend from back home. We are supposed to be going to have thanksgiving there. And my birthday. And to see Jay for the last time. Now my options a...


November 16, 2021

Wierd shit I do

An old schoolmate can p on people you might now on facebook. Added him. We started chatting. I ended up pouring my heart out about all the ahit that’s happened the last couple years. Didnt really...


November 14, 2021

Hey Jay

Remember when you used to steal my diary and read it? When you used to watch me? When you used to want to know every little thing happening in my life? When you couldn’t get enough of me? I wish ...


Looks like I’ve passed my mental illness to my son. I always knew it would happen but I thought it wouldnt happen this soon. Hes only 8. Friday at school I got a call from the nurse saying that h...


November 11, 2021

Treading Water

I feel incredibly uncomfortable with my current living arrangments but the chances of being able to save a new deposit for a place seem bleak, not to mention the cost of moving itself. And of cou...


November 05, 2021

Everything

Everything is getting to me today. I know none of it’s actually aimed at me but it still feels like it is. I wish I could turn that part if my brain off. Suddenly I’m too exhausted to have anythi...


It got bad again today. I tried really hard to fight it this time. I avoided hard. Every time I see your pictures now or here your voice recorded it doesnt soothe me anymore. Because I know soon ...


October 31, 2021

Talking to Jay

Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will pro...


October 29, 2021

Change

Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me ...


October 26, 2021

I Must be Crazy

I’m about to move in with a cute girl I’ve known less than a week. And her kids. And her ex wife. And for some reason it all seems pretty peaceful and chill. This is probably a terrible idea. But...


October 25, 2021

Cute Girl

Met a cute girl on Bumble a few days ago. Now we are going over for dinner tomorrow and discussing the possibility of my son and I moving in. I’ve heard of uhaul on the 2nd date but this is madne...


October 11, 2021

I dont feel like it

I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers...


September 28, 2021

To My Stalker

I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death t...


September 05, 2021

The Comfort You Cant Provide

Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow. Every...


September 03, 2021

Why is this still happening?

And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more ge...


June 20, 2021

Work

I’m getting real tired of people at work looking at me with condescending eyes and talking to me in a completely asshole way. It’s not the patients. They are aight. It’s the nurses and other CNAs...


June 19, 2021

Monotony

Feels like the days are all blending together. I work. I pay bills. I watch tv. I come home to a messy, empty house. I need to find something to look forward to every week. I’m numb. All these bo...


June 18, 2021

The Voice

Theres a voice in the back of my head screaming at me. Its saying I should be with Jay. And what am I even doing being so far from him. What if he needs me? But it’s all lies. It’s just a delusio...


June 06, 2021

Wesley

Every time I see you, you smell more enticing than the last. All I want is to be on your lap, as close as I can be, my body pressed to yours. I want to kiss you passionatly and delight in the tas...


I’m feeling like hell today. I miss Jay so much and I hate it because I know he isnt missing me. I’ve been overwhelmingly horny but I trust nobody with my body. I feel alone and lost. Im working ...


May 06, 2021

What the actual hell

So here I am at Wesley’s. After a long drawn out argument that I’m pretty sure accomplished very little. He invites me over and asks me to bring smokes. Then he says he suddenly got heartburn and...


Book Description

This book has been created to celebrate another new chapter in my life whereby I moved away and tried to give myself distance from the recurrence of trauma as much as possible.