LachrymoseBeauty ⋅
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 236
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The struggle between nesting and exhaustion in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been in the nesting mood. Lord knows this house needs it. Unfortunatly I’m entirely too tired to accomplish much most of the time. I usually crash real hard after I pick up my son from schoo...
Ssdd in Short Thoughts
I wish I wasnt alone tonight. I’m depressed. I also dont want to bother anyone. Most people couldnt be bothered anyway.
Its like that in Short Thoughts
Tell me what I can’t do And I’ll show you the difference between me and you.
Unexpected in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Then suddenly as I’m headed to hay for the night I see the words on my screen. So unexpected. My heart lurched and I stared at the screen, blinked, looked away, then stared again. Still there. Yo...
Must be the meds. in Short Thoughts
My mind is on cloud nine but my body.... Just wont move from this chair.
Pondering in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I’ve been thinking of you again tonight. Thinking of how I may come to be yours forever. Not your wife, of course, but yours in some other significant way. An ally, a close friend, someone who is...
If only Jay were here to smile them away. If only my beloved fox didnt have to go. If only I’d finally find that perfect someone who would stay forever. Hopeless. Struggling. Missing you. I hope...
Time in Short Thoughts
Seems like time is moving do fast, but my brain is just stuck. It doesn’t recognize the passing of time. I’ve accomplished alot in the last few years, but it always feels like I’m not accomplishi...
And poof gone in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I wrote a lengthy entry about my life falling apart in the midst of an anxiety attack, but my phone died right before I finished. Oh well, if anyone interested I’m going through rough times and c...
Things to do this year in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Better late than never… Go on a trip out of state, on my own. Travel out of the country if I can afford it. Fix the drywall in my house. Take myself on a date. Go swimming. Go rock climbing. Inv...
Why??? in Short Thoughts
Cant seem to get motivated to do anything lately. This has got to stop. Someone send me motivation. I cannot fail myself again. So many thoughts spinning in my head. I need to find a way, a retre...
Another night with the phantom in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal t...
Worse in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to f...
Triggered... oh, wait, its kewl in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty. So I was abused. Didnt feel like ...
Adequate Compensation in Short Thoughts
People spend a lot of time at work. I always hear people complain about work and say they wish they didnt have to work. Here’s the truth: If all you get out of your job is money then they aren’t ...
It's back, but where will I put them all? in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
There it is again. The sadness. It creeps It snakes Claws it’s way gently up my spine. The pills dont keep it away anymore. But what happened? Why should I feel sad? Is this my emotion? Or someon...
How?? in Short Thoughts
How do you get motivated to do things? Even when they are really boring. I cant keep my attention on this, but I need to get it done. It’s not hard work, just so freaking boring.
Speaking of Friends in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
So here I am again, old friend, having conversations with you in my head that we will probably never have. I haven’t the courage to try for a connection with so many people around. I barely have ...
Playing Pretend in Gathering of Poetry and Fiction
Why do I feel so broken? Hearts scared and mind askew. I am different know. I dont know why. I’m like a paper mache mess. Sloppily glued together to appear whole. I’m not sure what shape this is....
I Should Be Happy in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I should be happy. I’m seeing Ozzy and Stone Sour. I should be thrilled. But all I can think about is how great it would be if you were here, Jay. How much fun wed have jamming out. Your girl wou...
Free in Short Thoughts
:( in Short Thoughts
I know I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. But I already miss you. Goodnight.
And just like that the tapestry caught fire in Gathering of Poetry and Fiction
We weave our dreams together, Carefully, Strand by hesitant strand. We share pieces of ourselves, And slowly we form a plan. Our hopes, Or goals, Our delights, Our woes, Our sins, And our souls. ...
I'm Afraid in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he s...
Why is it? in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
That I start to feel uneasy about you? I’m less and less satisfied. Maybe I’m just growing cold. Your words are dangerous, ‘There is no sin.’ Lies. And why? Are you consoling me? Or yourself? An ...