LachrymoseBeauty
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 244
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Lately in Phoenix Rises Again
So my journal entries may say alot about my beautiful irish friend and I figure he better have a name. So we will call him Wesley. Wesley is in a bad mood again. His BPD is really fucking with hi...
Sweet Dreams lead to dissapointing mornings in Short Thoughts
Had an amazing dream about Jay last night. Now I dont want to be awake. I’d rather just dream of him forever. We could be close again, in my dreams.
The Need to Cry in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I thought I’d cry last night. In the middle of that crowded show. I thought I’d really just bring down. Instead I got high. And made incredibly innapropriate remarks all night. Now I have trouble...
Wow, really?? in All About Hikaru/Yuki
So a certain user on prosebox, MyDronedLife, has taken it upon herself to think she is the fucking voice of God and told me that losing my baby was God’s way of punishing me for choosing to have ...
Triploidy in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Turns out it’s not Trisomy 13.... its triploidy. Instead of an extra 13th chromosome, my baby has a whole extra set. My sweet Yuki. They said she’s actually a boy because she has a ‘y’ chromosome...
She's dieing in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Today my little Yuki barely had a heartbeat. She’s dieing. They don’t think she will survive another week. How will I tell my son his baby sister died? How will I keep going like nothing’s wrong?...
Unsatisfied in All About Hikaru/Yuki
Tick tock, tick tock. Time moves so slow. Anxiously awaiting results from the amnio. Almost a whole week to go still. And I cant get comfortable unless I’m laying in bed or a bathtub. Its infuria...
Stress in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been more and more stressed out. Especially about little things. This fucking house never being clean and organized no matter how hard I try is at the top of the list. Always forgetting wher...
The struggle between nesting and exhaustion in All About Hikaru/Yuki
I’ve been in the nesting mood. Lord knows this house needs it. Unfortunatly I’m entirely too tired to accomplish much most of the time. I usually crash real hard after I pick up my son from schoo...
Ssdd in Short Thoughts
I wish I wasnt alone tonight. I’m depressed. I also dont want to bother anyone. Most people couldnt be bothered anyway.
Its like that in Short Thoughts
Tell me what I can’t do And I’ll show you the difference between me and you.
Unexpected in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Then suddenly as I’m headed to hay for the night I see the words on my screen. So unexpected. My heart lurched and I stared at the screen, blinked, looked away, then stared again. Still there. Yo...
Must be the meds. in Short Thoughts
My mind is on cloud nine but my body.... Just wont move from this chair.
Pondering in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I’ve been thinking of you again tonight. Thinking of how I may come to be yours forever. Not your wife, of course, but yours in some other significant way. An ally, a close friend, someone who is...
If only Jay were here to smile them away. If only my beloved fox didnt have to go. If only I’d finally find that perfect someone who would stay forever. Hopeless. Struggling. Missing you. I hope...
Time in Short Thoughts
Seems like time is moving do fast, but my brain is just stuck. It doesn’t recognize the passing of time. I’ve accomplished alot in the last few years, but it always feels like I’m not accomplishi...
And poof gone in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
I wrote a lengthy entry about my life falling apart in the midst of an anxiety attack, but my phone died right before I finished. Oh well, if anyone interested I’m going through rough times and c...
Things to do this year in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
Better late than never… Go on a trip out of state, on my own. Travel out of the country if I can afford it. Fix the drywall in my house. Take myself on a date. Go swimming. Go rock climbing. Inv...
Why??? in Short Thoughts
Cant seem to get motivated to do anything lately. This has got to stop. Someone send me motivation. I cannot fail myself again. So many thoughts spinning in my head. I need to find a way, a retre...
Another night with the phantom in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal t...
Worse in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to f...
Triggered... oh, wait, its kewl in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty. So I was abused. Didnt feel like ...
Adequate Compensation in Short Thoughts
People spend a lot of time at work. I always hear people complain about work and say they wish they didnt have to work. Here’s the truth: If all you get out of your job is money then they aren’t ...
It's back, but where will I put them all? in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay
There it is again. The sadness. It creeps It snakes Claws it’s way gently up my spine. The pills dont keep it away anymore. But what happened? Why should I feel sad? Is this my emotion? Or someon...
How?? in Short Thoughts
How do you get motivated to do things? Even when they are really boring. I cant keep my attention on this, but I need to get it done. It’s not hard work, just so freaking boring.
