Ashes to ashes in Phoenix Rises Again

It would seem that the days I have trouble getting you off my mind are the difficult days. The days when I feel like I’m shaking apart and might be better off dead than feeling like this. My mind escapes into you. And I pretend I’m there with you and her and your friends and we are talking about anime and mud pies and rock climbing and anything really.

How ironic that my mind would use you to escape when you are the person it repressed for so long to hold back the unbearable pain that could destroy me. But when I talked to you every day it was what made me happy while still being in an unlivable situation. I’m pretty much back to the same unlivable situation now.

I wonder how you are. What you are doing now. Are you even still here? Or did you move away? Will I ever see you again? Will I fall apart if I dont? It’s probably unhealthy to be so dependent on someone’s company, but isnt that what you wanted initially? For me to want and need you? Sometimes I still wish you did.

That old friend I was talking to apparently has a DV and I dont think I can convince Morgan to move back. I dont know what to do now. I just keep taking steps toward independence.

But as I do that, my abuser it slowly tightening her grip. My moms daycare helper quit today so I offered to help tomorrow. I know that means that she is gonna want me to take over in that position that I already turned down. She says she will be fine on her own but lately even with help shes starting to lose her shit. If my dad and I weren’t there to watch her what would she do to those kids?

I cant handle the stress of always being around her. The bad childhood memories, the lack of control, and watching my dad enable her are too much. Foe the first time in a long time today I felt like dieing. I need to get out of here before it gets worse. I dont think anyone really understands that. And who can I turn to for help? Nobody. It wouldn’t be fair to put that on someone. But isn’t that the same sort of thought process that stopped me from getting help before?

I dont know what to do. I wish I could talk to you, Jay. But it’s been a long time since I had that option. Hope you are still well. I miss your voice, and your smile, and your hugs and jokes. I just miss all of you so much.