LachrymoseBeauty ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 199

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April 02, 2018

In Hindsight in Short Thoughts

It seems as if you were expecting something from me. I’m not sure what social obligation it was that I failed at. A compliment? A tear? A conversation? What was the desired outcome? Were you wait...


April 02, 2018

Famous Last Words in Short Thoughts

As he stood a’front the gates o’ pearl clutching his severed head he exclaimed with utter dread: “Was it something I said!?”


April 02, 2018

-.- in Short Thoughts

I’m so tired right now that my brain is broken.


Suddenly I realize why I have been so distant with friends. Those close friends that have been around forever. We will be catching up and getting comfortable with each other when suddenly there’s...


April 01, 2018

Buddy Hugs in Short Thoughts

I like side hugs, buddy hugs. Sometimes they are the best because there is no awkwardness there. You never have to worry about holding on too tight or too long. There’s no concern of proportion, ...


So there I Am, where everyone said I shouldn’t be. My nerves are balls and knots, tangled up inside of me. I try not to show it. See everything is fine? If I make one wrong move, will everything ...


And it’s going to happen again and again. Has to happen… Kidding. I’m slightly terrified to show up tonight. Not because of a potential fight. But because J might destroy my heart. But I’ve wait...


I’ve been thinking of you again. When am I not? I picture you in my mind just the way you were the first time I saw you, with that long brown hair and the eyes that are never really happy, never ...


March 28, 2018

Cant Let Go in My Fucking Feelings

I guess I didn’t realise how attached I’ve gotten to prosebox. The last couple of days have been awful. This has been my escape and my mental support. I’ve looked at so many other sites but none ...


I’ve tried to convince myself that none of it matters. That J doesn’t matter. I’ve tried telling myself I could just get over it and move on. I even tried convincing myself that he’s just a crazy...


March 23, 2018

Fantasies in My Fucking Feelings

Do I dare breathe my most secret fantasies of you? I’m sure you’d think them twisted and perverse and perhaps they are. But still.... They linger. I see you in my fantasy Weak. Helpless. Nobody c...


This last year with you has been so beautiful. I could never live without you now. I’ve never experienced a love like this. You have been with me through everything. Celebrating triumphs and mour...


My mind picks you apart, Piece by piece, Wondering what’s really there. What is real, What was just part of your disguise? Again, It shouldn’t matter should it? Were you really that devout boy? O...


Oh dear, Sometimes I forget which game I am playing. Does it even matter? I don’t know why I am like this. Itching to play. Perhaps I just miss you. Busy rueing the day. You’d think after all thi...


March 21, 2018

Love Letter in My Fucking Feelings

Seems I develop the wierdest feelings. I don’t even know them usually. Who needs a face? A body? I fall for the words that drip so beautifully down my screen. How much better would they be in ink...


Repressed memories. And suddenly my world starts to lose color. Like a thousand blades in my back I remember. All the things the damn was holding back. I asked God for this. A better memory. As i...


If for one day we could all just say exactly what we fucking wanted to without any chance of later reprecussions? Just one day. I bet people would have a lot to say.


There are certain things that are just lost on me. Social convention? What’s that? Social structure? Standard conversational ques? Tact. Yeah right. Perhaps I missunderstand everyone else as much...


I felt aweful and didn’t know why. Then I discovered Stephen Hawkings died. It was hard not to cry. Then you messaged me Pretending you’re a saint. How generous of you To waste your time talking ...


Today just feels like it’s been a bad day. No actual reason for it. Missed therapy. The bitch from night shift be acting like I don’t do anything. Fuck would she know about it? I just kept my sil...


A friend suggested I give myself a name rather than letting someone else label me. She suggested I could choose who I wanted to be. This is not entirely true of course. I could not choose to surp...


December 08, 2017

Stressed in My Fucking Feelings

School’s really piling on the work as the semester is coming to an end. I’m fighting so hard to finish it all, but I’m distracted. I get almost no time with my son now. Haven’t had a chance to ex...


You know the feeling. You have removed from your life all but those you trust. Stopped confiding in people. Don’t even write your secrets down anymore. Then suddenly… The most horrible rumors sta...


December 01, 2017

The Veil in My Fucking Feelings

Drop the Veil Thoughts are Locked. Trust is Gone Communication Lost. What was once my solace, Is now my prison. It just keeps happening Nobody listens. If you wanted to know What i felt or though...


Today at chuch I prayed for one of my residents to be healed of paralysis. Two other women prayed with me. Not knowing what his affliction was one of the women cited the story of Jesus healing a ...


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