LachrymoseBeauty ⋅
My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.
Entries 236
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Saving Up Happiness in Phoenix Rises Again
The day I saw the announcement for your band’s last show I cried so hard and long that I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut. It isn’t the music I mourned for the loss of. The musi...
Leaving the light on in Phoenix Rises Again
And the door open. Just in case you want to step through it again. Always hoping to hear from you. Hoping you will come back even though I know you probably won’t. Can you blame me for hoping? Wh...
Happy Birthday in Phoenix Rises Again
Not really. It was pretty dissapointing. That’s what I get for having expectations or hope. Not the worst birthday I’ve had but Not a good one either. The morning started without meds. Gotta pick...
Reality is Cruel in Phoenix Rises Again
I sometimes feel myself slipping back into delusion. Just daydreaming, drifting into a more exciting world. There I feel powerful and special. I feel like I have a destiny. But it’s all just make...
It's all grey in Phoenix Rises Again
Been super depressed the last couple of days. Don’t know that there’s anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it anymore. Friends that you think will be there for you forever, no matter what, ...
It Hurts Again in Phoenix Rises Again
I wonder how she would react if she found out you asked for my hand in marriage while you were dating her? Just a tease. Get a girl’s hopes up. Then I had to watch you propose to her. With the ri...
Just in Case Anyone Was Wondering in Phoenix Rises Again
Broke up with my girlfriend. It was anticlimactic. Getting close to being caught up in one class while shipping behind in the other. My advisor doesn’t seem to know how to do her job. My therapis...
My Story Currently in Phoenix Rises Again
I feel I have gotten to the point where nobody cares about the story of my past. It’s not the book they are reading, just backstory of the characters. They are looking at me and hoping the book t...
Buckle Up its Gonna Suck in Phoenix Rises Again
It’s hard to sleep when you know your baby’s body might be on display in a tube of formaldehyde like some kind of sick art exhibit. How exactly do I explain that kind of pain to anyone? I’m just ...
I Didnt Even Tell You in Short Thoughts
Because you dont care either. Indifferent. My good friend died last week. Suddenly. My birthday buddy. Hes been around so long. I assumed he always would be. We had plans. We were in the process ...
Does it Work? in Phoenix Rises Again
A woman said the strangest thing to me the other day. We were talking about prayer. She asked if I prayed and I told her I did and she says, “does it work?” It took me a while to process the que...
Fuck this in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
Fuck this feeling in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
Fuck this feeling in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
It always comes back to you in Phoenix Rises Again
Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...
Today in Short Thoughts
Peak thinking time and motivation today: 4pm
Fear in Short Thoughts
Woke up with this terrible fear that something happened to my son while we were in another state. Out of nowhere. What is this? Panic attack? Bad dream? Mothers intuition? I dont even know what t...
Waste of a night in Phoenix Rises Again
It just hasn’t been the same without you Jay. The rock scene feels empty. I dont know why I bother going out anymore. Maybe I wont. Miss you terrible.
What to do about Kaylee Intro in Fiction 1
She cried on the phone today like I’ve never heard her cry before. It was scary because she never cries. She’s always been the strong one. I still don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to...
Ashes to ashes in Phoenix Rises Again
It would seem that the days I have trouble getting you off my mind are the difficult days. The days when I feel like I’m shaking apart and might be better off dead than feeling like this. My mind...
Stress in Phoenix Rises Again
All the stress and anxiety from being constantly around my triggers is wearing me down. I’m shutting down. Avoiding people. Feel overwhelmed all the time. Dont have a safe place to chill and cope...
To Everyone Outside the US in Phoenix Rises Again
Does anyone know where I can go to get a free or low cost college education as a foreigner. I desperately want to go to med school. It’s too expensive here. Let me know how it works where you are...
Too Tired For This in Phoenix Rises Again
I am afraid. I’m afraid I will die before I get to see the world and chase my dreams and raise my child. And I’m afraid I’ll never see you again. I’m afraid I’ll never get to have one of those s...
Dreams in Phoenix Rises Again
Perhaps they are where hope goes to die. I dreamed of you again last night Jay. Twice. The first dream I remembered having had before. I don’t remember much now. In the 2nd dream it was Christmas...
-.- in Phoenix Rises Again
I’m in such an I’ll contented mood right now and I don’t even know why. I’ll be driving again in about a week. I should be happy. This is the missing piece of the puzzle. Now I can work again and...
