So I’ve been struggling with these thoughts not knowing if it’s a good idea to write them here. Having no idea who might be reading this, but I figure I’ll just say fuck it and go ahead. So if you are reading this and you might be upset about what I think of you and you’re life then maybe this is a good entry to skip.
I’m confiding in my journal. A fear that I’ve kept silent about. Its Jay’s girl. When they were a new thing I worried she might hurt him so I went to dig up some dirt and found nothing. I figured she must be just every bit as perfect as she looked and grew to like her a lot. But one day I saw a thing. I was unsure of exactly what I was seeing. Figured at least some of it must have been in my head. Just jealousy showing me something wrong where there wasn’t anything.
She has this really close friend. A gay guy she calls her ‘twin’. They aren’t actually related. They look alike and are very close. Very, very close. It seems. And I worry that they are too close. The first time I saw it was right after Jay walked away from them and went inside. They wrapped there arms around each other and got all snuggly. The look in her eyes when she looks at him.... all sparkles and smiles. It makes me uncomfortable.
Then at the after party the other day when she and Jay had just gotten engaged it just seemed like she was closer to him than Jay. They were all snuggly together for a long time. And he was standing right there completely unaffected by this show of intimate affection so it cant be a secret right?
I mean it’s none of my business and not my place to say how close is too close. And maybe it’s just because Jay is in a large social situation every time I see them and extroverting it up, talking to everyone and making his way around to all his friends. But that cuddly thing she does with her twin just always seems to me to be something she should be doing with Jay and nobody else. But shit, how would I know?
Maybe I’m just jealous that I dont have a friend I’m close to like that. But the one time I put my head on Jay’s shoulder she looked miffed. So if that was too much affection than surely this is too isn’t it? Sure I’m the girl he used to love and he’s gay and so maybe that’s the difference, but I dont see it. But if it doesn’t make Jay uncomfortable it shouldn’t upset me either right?
None. Of. My. Business.
But I guess I should be glad I dont ever know if something is going on with them. That they don’t publicly air their disagreements. I only see what they want me to see and if this is how it’ll affect me that’s probably for the best.
Another thought occurs to me too. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’m avoiding dealing with that part of me that’s sad. I dont really feel like I have the right to be sad about his engagement. I should be happy he’s happy, and I am. But maybe some part of me still grieves for the unrealized dreams. Occasionally part of me wants to say to him, ‘remember Jay? How you said youd never leave me alone? I’m alone now.’ Or ‘why would you make me fall for you if you were just gonna abandon me and fall for someone better?’ But I think I always knew he would. I knew someone like her would come along and steal his heart away. And what if I had given in to my feelings back then? If we had had a relationship and I was happy then suddenly she showed up and stole his heart away. I would have been crushed. Maybe I dont want to admit that I still am.
I dont want to think about how I practically planned our wedding in my head, with his mother’s dress and ring. Maybe I’m jealous that she got the big romantic ask and mine were always so much less. The first one proposed inside Walgreens, the 2nd when we were big time fighting, the last didn’t propose at all, I proposed to him and it wasn’t romantic or even a good idea. It was forced. By my moms rude remarks about our relationship. So all this is likely just me being jealous. And I won’t speak a word of it. But it doesn’t stop me from seeing how her eyes sparkle and how comfortable she is with her twin. I guess it doesn’t matter because I probably won’t see them again. If they can help it.
And that stings harder than losing his heart ever could. Losing his friendship and companionship. I mean it was gone a long time ago, but when I saw him I could still fool myself that it might come back. That I’d be able to talk to him for real again some day. Honestly. That I’d be able to confide in him and laugh with him and play games like friends do. Tease him and ruffle his hair. Hug him when he’s having a hard day. Watch him get excited about things like he’s a kid again. It’s those things that I miss so much. The dreams of marrying him and having his kids and living together can pass away and I’d be fine, if I still had the friendship with him that I know we should have. Sounds entitled of me to say it that way, but a part of me burns and aches knowing that we were meant to be closer. Best bud. Relying on each other and working together for common goals. I know there’s a reason. And I remember several people telling me how great we’d get along if we just got to know each other better. My ex husband was absolutely disgusted by how much we had in common.
No luck with Megan. She hasn’t answered and I don’t want to push too hard. Shes going through some shit internally and her and I have never really trusted each other so I couldn’t expect that one golden moment to last. But for just one night, an hour or two, we were close. And she felt like MY sister. And I never thought that would happen with her. Never. And it just crashed over me like a wave. Perfectly natural. And I wanted a dozen more hours to talk and laugh and be close because that never happens for me. Things always seem forced, but that wasn’t. And I hope she eventually comes around and reaches out. But if she doesn’t then there’s nothing I can do about that either.
So emotional the last few days. Everything seems so heavy. And none of this is what I should be focusing on. I have shit to do to get back on my feet and make my son and I safe again. I should be focusing on that. And I keep thinking that if I had said something as a teenager maybe someone would have helped get me away and everything would have been different. I could have healed and learned sooner. I could have had a new family. One that I could trust to support me instead of knocking me down at the first available opportunity. A healthy, loving family: always and forever my dream. But it won’t happen with the one I’ve got. Not ever. There’s too much damage there. But I still see other people with their happy families and I’m so jealous. Why couldn’t I have been given one of those? Where would I be now if I had? We can ask what if questions all day and it’ll never make a difference. The fact is I dont have that, only my brother. And my son. And I’m doing my best to make sure he has that. But so long as I’m living here with my parents there will always be something standing in my way. It’s time to get busy again.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with, no expectations, no pressure, just comfort.
But I could wish all day…