So Far, So Good in Musings

At this point, the conscious and serious effort I’m making to harness my emotions seems to be working. I’m finding myself much more calm and balanced. Even tonite, with another encounter with a couple of Deputy Dawgs from the Johnstown Police Dept.- I said my piece but remained in control and then let it go. I told them I didn’t appreciate the constant taking of my information when I’ve been working in the building for the past 4 years. They know who I am- they know my hours, and my car, and that I keep the side door unlocked. They are just being nosy and intrusive. I have given them my personal info 5 times now- I told them I feel I’m being hassled, and that if my info is so vital to them maybe they should have it on record. I felt my temperature rise as the cocky one and I made some serious eye contact- sizing each other up- but I caught myself and de-escalated. It’s not worth the hassle over some low IQ, self-important idiot puffing out his chest at me.
It felt good to be more in control, and not let the temper train leave the station like it so often does. I’m recognizing the flashpoint before it starts to burn, and purposefully stepping away from my anger and letting it pass on by- just like I read in the DBT stuff awhile back.
I’m feeling much more in control in my interactions with babygirl as well- not letting my emotions regarding her abusive background get in the way of the serious and honest discussions we need to have about all of that. All the little day to day annoyances and disappointments are getting more manageable as well. I’m not letting my frustrations manifest into negativity nearly as much.
The world is unfair and full of awful, ignorant people- there’s nothing I can do to change that. I have such a strongly developed belief in fairness, justice , and simple “right” and “wrong”, that I get upset very easily. And having a temper, that isn’t a good recipe for staying calm and balanced. Ignorance bothers me, taking advantage of other people bothers me, cockiness and arrogance bother me- I find I can only watch the news in doses because our sitting President embodies everything which I hate. A complete moral black hole. And I’ve found my frustration and anger have risen much closer to the surface in the past few years. My incredulity at his ascendency and ultimately his election, and living in an area where he is overwhelmingly supported, have led me to be even more cynical and distrustful of people. I am so much more easily annoyed at people’s complete lack of knowledge and their incompetence and unwillingness to be accountable and responsible to their families, communities, and jobs.
I have very high standards and I get judgmental- I get angry and sad and frustrated at what I see in society on a daily basis. I am the hardest of all on myself. I get caught up in a cyclone of self-criticism very easily and frequently. But, by beginning to harness my runaway emotions, I am slowly starting to feel a little bit of calmness and tranquility seep into my life- a little here and there anyway. So far, so good.....

Last updated April 20, 2018