HERE & NOW in Musings

One of my biggest challenges is keeping myself in the here and now. My mind has a tendency to drift back in time- reliving both missed opportunities and the events that have caused me pain and sadness. These events aren’t what most people would categorize as major traumatic events- in fact, for most people they probably would be bumps in the road- obstacles to overcome and nothing more. For me, it’s always been different. My brain doesn’t let go. Once it latches onto something, into the vault it goes and the ruminating machine takes over. I’m like a cow regurgitating it’s cud over and over- ad infinitum. My therapist says that’s my obsessive tendencies- I think I’m a bit of a masochist. I think I like feeling the pain of regret and loss and unfulfillment. For some reason, I’ve always been a self-hater- mocking and punishing myself. Going thru those hurtful things time and time again- why?? To prove to myself I deserve to be unhappy?
I think the answer to that question is that I’m afraid to live in the here and now. I think we all have the natural tendency to migrate to the known. As uncomfortable as it may be, the known is predictable. On the other hand, the Great Unknown is well, UNKNOWN. And for people like me- the introverted, sensitive, “feeling” types- the Great Unknown presents itself as a dark and scary unexplored territory. The bold among us see that vast expanse as opportunity- a challenge to overcome on the way to a bigger, better life. I often envy those people. To not be riddled with self-doubt, and what-ifs and Yeah buts, how freeing that must feel.
The Here and Now- why does it scare me so?

Last updated April 18, 2018