Fortune Cookie Wisdom in Musings

“Emotions hide the true self.”
I was a bit taken aback when I read those prescient words last night. That’s EXACTLY what I’ve been trying to work on lately- to calm the emotional storm in my head enough to be able to figure out just who the hell I am. I think my emotions, as turbulent and destructive as they can be, act as a protective layer. If I’m angry or depressed or frustrated, I don’t have to listen to my true voice. I can continue to be the scared little boy who’s lost and alone and doesn’t have to take ownership over his own life. I can blame the “world’ or “God” or other people for the shitty way I always feel. I can shut down and be withdrawn rather than take action, because it’s not my fault. My emotions allow me an out. I don’t have to stand tall and enter the arena like a responsible, mature adult. And what am I afraid of exactly? What are all those emotions providing cover for? That if I actually try to dig in and find my values and my passions that I’ll come up short? Is all the swirl in my head my way of avoiding FEAR? And what is fear but another emotion? Why am I so afraid to show my true face to the world? My negative emotions are just excuses- crutches. Ironically, the things I’ve been afraid of have come to pass NOT because I tried and failed, but because I never tried at all. I HAVE failed- but thru inaction. And all the anger and rage and frustration and sadness is nothing but a band-aid on a never healing wound at my core. Maybe it’s time to see if fresh air can start the healing process- the fresh air of honesty and courage and strength. I’d like to think there’s still a little bit of time to salvage something from my life- to be something other than what I’ve always been.

Last updated April 15, 2018