Detachment in The Truth (As I Know It)

I find I operate much better when I detach a bit. My intensity and obsessiveness get the best of me if I allow myself to get too overly involved with anyone or anything. I over-think shit to DEATH. For the longest time, my internal motto was “Bemused Detachment”- I would say that to myself like a mantra day after day. I think some people aren’t meant to have intimacy and closeness in their life, and I think I am one of those people. And I’ve analyzed and re-hashed the reasons why a million different ways both in therapy and on my own. The bottom line is you are who you are, you know? You can modify and improve and try to make some positive changes around the edges, but you don’t become a different person.
I look around me and see people with families and close relationships with friends and get bummed out by it. But then I take a minute to stop and REALLY think about it, and I always come to the same conclusion. I’m simply not meant for all of that. I’ve kept life at a distance from my earliest memories. Not life- PEOPLE. I immerse myself fully in whatever I’m involved with. I absorb EVERYTHING. When I do something, I DO it. So maybe that’s why people, with all their complexity and I don’t know- STUFF- tend to overwhelm me once I reach a certain closeness threshold.
I think I’ve been stubbornly trying to jam a square peg into a round hole my whole life. And instead of accepting myself for who I am, I’ve bemoaned all I am not. Coming from a tight-knit, “All-American” small-town family straight out of a TV sitcom hasn’t helped either. In fact, it’s pretty much destroyed me. But I’m NOT THAT PERSON. I need to be able to weave in and out of relationships and situations. I feel like I’m a highly responsible person of deep integrity- it’s not like I am shallow and surface-y. Not in the least. In fact, I’m the exact opposite of that. I get lost in my own depths many times. But I need my space and I need my freedom. I need CONTROL. To be able to dial myself in as much or as little as my moods dictate. And all of that is not conducive to any sort of long-term relationship.
I’m battling myself as I age. I hear time tick-tick-ticking away, and realize how little I’ve actually LIVED. But, I’m wasting my energy on trying to make myself into something I’m not.

Bemused Detachment is the Way.... for me at least.