Entries 3,428
Page 22 of 138
jan 18
The downfall of the organization for recovering bra-and-jock-strap fetishists was sewn by the fact they allowed them to call it a “support group”. Why say “rest stop hooker” when you can say ...
ja 16
Ollie the dog wouldn’t eat anything today until the dinner scraps came. He knows what’s up. He’s wily. He wanted the good stuff and he planned. I respect that weird fuzzy little lump so much. ...
ja 14
The most ridiculous thing about Elon Musk is that he really thinks he looks like a rebel fighting for his right to party, when he looks a lot more like a frat boy on dad’s yacht trying to frees...
ja 12
In the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’s porn parody, was the Groot analogue a tree-lady with a great ass who could only say “I AM GLUTES”? If not, come on, just ask me for the best ideas and give me a...
jan 10
Do perfume testers have competitions to see who is the best in the world? Do they have Smelling Bees? Before you eat that Christmas cookie, look down to it and whisper “You’re about to take a...
jan 8
In hopes of recruiting more students, the veterinary college is holding an open horse. Michael Crichton’s long-anticipated thought-lost final novel “Science Did An Oopsie”. If Hannah Montan...
jan 6
I wonder how much it would cost to get Eminem to rap the lines “My name’s Barney Rubble and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way!” Why call it a “filet o fish sandwich” when...
j 4
I think the way to offend the maximum amount of people at once would be to write a story about Jesus going to a 2,000 years ago wizarding school. There’s something disturbing in there for every...
j 2
DECK THE HALLS as sung by Super Mario Brothers’ supporting anti-villain character Waluigi. we may all be merely the residue left behind after the creation of the poo from a certain point of ...
d 31
For all the many sins of youtube, the worst is how they all say “Super Mario Bros” instead of “Super Mario Brothers”. “Bros” is one of the weirdest most awkward words in the language and it is ...
d 29
A movie about time-travelers trying to fix a bunch of problems over a long weekend called CAUSAL FRIDAY. ASMR where I say soothing things to help you relax but not, oh, being a flirty doctor ...
d 27
You don’t gotta be angry all the time. You could also be sad! Heart-crushed soul-drained sad. That’s also a valid response to… all this. Switching it up between the two could do you some good. ...
jesus day barrage
All the amazing things you can do or be as a human, imagine being so dull and empty, you think that the definition of being a hero is “has a lot of money”. That’s what people hero-worship? The ...
d 23
A speed-dating event that’s also a potluck dinner called CASSEROLE ENCOUNTERS. Here’s something I say to myself before I perform, sometimes. “My words don’t speak for me, I speak for my words...
d 21
“Bitcoin for Dummies” is less a book title, more an awkwardly worded statement of fact. My favorite rap album about disaster prepping is, of course, “Tinderboxx (And The Ferrocerium Rod Below...
d 19
I feel very protective of spoken-word-only open mics. Yes, poetry & music are intermingled & there’s nothing wrong with occasionally lapsing into song as a PART of your poem, as punctua...
d 17
I’m not sure if it’s the BBC-preferred pluralization but “Doctors Who” just FEELS right. “Harbor Freight - It’s Junk That Will Crumble To Dust In Three Uses… But You Get A Free Plastic Flashl...
d 15
A sequel to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” called “Santa Claus is Going to Town”. Why call it “lamaze classes” when you could call it “push notifications “? The weirdest Ben and Jerry’s ...
d 13
The fact that there isn’t a punk band in Toronto called “Oi Canada” is yet another reason why I should be installed as World’s Namer Of Things. Hear me out: an amusement park built around an ...
d 11
If someone is eating a sundae on Twitch and you send them money to do it, even though they don’t know you in any meaningful way, that right there is an ice cream para-social. BOSOM BUDDIES wa...
d 9
Put Christmas bows on each side of your headphones. Congratulations! You now have Bows Headphones. What was Eminem thinking, rapping about spaghetti? Who did he think he was, Def Boyardee? ...
d 7
A movie where you unmask a wrestler and the mask attaches to your face, forcing you uncontrollably into the life of a luchador called THE SANTOS CLAUSE. Look, this is probably a moment where ...
d 5
Don’t “toxic positivity” yourself, either. You don’t gotta say you’re AMAZING or GREAT or ALPHA or GIRLBOSS, faking it until you make that will only disappoint you. That’s too much pressure. Yo...
d 3
If all your show has going for it is the maguffin of its “mystery plot” or the question “will the two blandly attractive leads have sex?” it could well be a huge hit at the zeitgeist’s whim, at...
d 1
The day you gain access to magic, every year after, that’s your mannaversary. If you are from a blended Hindu/Jewish family, I just want you to know, you could probably sing “Bhagavad Gita” t...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
