I wrote a lengthy entry about my life falling apart in the midst of an anxiety attack, but my phone died right before I finished. Oh well, if anyone interested I’m going through rough times and could use some cheering up.
Mostly I just miss Jay, as per usual. And worry I wont be able to do this. Make ANY of my dreams come true. Can I just have one? Maybe even a mediocre version of them? Something? Why does life seem so hard. Seems like it shouldn’t be. Seems like everyone else has an easier time with this stuff than me. Maybe they had easier lives. Maybe I can convince myself it’s not my fault. Maybe i can say I’m being strong and doing well and I’ll start to believe it eventually.
I’d give almost anything just to be able to call and cry on his shoulder, not literaly on his shoulder, just have him there while i cry, making me feel like it’s an okay thing for me to do, I guess. Maybe it’s wrong for me to want that, knowing how my tears affect him. I just remember how he made me feel better, how he made me feel like I could do it if I just tried real hard. I’m trying Jay! You hear me?! I’m trying real hard, like you said, but I’m not sure it’s working. I wish I had some of your advice, and your smile telling me I’m doing better than i think. No matter who else says so, it’s not the same as when it comes from you. Why? So silly. Miss you, keep flying strong old friend.