Another night with the phantom in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay

  • Jan. 16, 2019, 4:56 a.m.
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After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal tasks that keep me awake. Another day has passed that I didnt talk to Jay. Why does it hurt this bad? No matter how much time passes it doesnt full the ache in my chest. Nothing helps. So I spend the whole day hiding, and distracting myself from the pain, but there are few distractions that dont just bring an obligation of having to appear okay when I am not. The thoughts of you dont go away. The phantom of Jay is with me all day. Hes there looking dissapointed at my sad efforts to cook, and hes there looking sad when me and my son are playing, remembering his own mom. Hes there when I’m watching tv at night and looking over my shoulder as I type. And when I sink into a bath to relax hes there smiling at me saying, “it’s time now.” But it never is and he isnt really there. It makes it all the worse when I’m laying in my bed and I’m talking to him in my head. Our friendship cant be over, I cant accept it. Theres so many things we didnt do, so much I have to tell and show you. But what am I to do? Just go to sleep and dream of you? Often, I do. Still miss you. Goodnight love, hope you are well.

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