Dreamer*Schemer ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 150

Page 1 of 6

After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal t...


How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to f...


So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty. So I was abused. Didnt feel like ...


November 16, 2018

Adequate Compensation in Short Thoughts

People spend a lot of time at work. I always hear people complain about work and say they wish they didnt have to work. Here’s the truth: If all you get out of your job is money then they aren’t ...


There it is again. The sadness. It creeps It snakes Claws it’s way gently up my spine. The pills dont keep it away anymore. But what happened? Why should I feel sad? Is this my emotion? Or someon...


October 28, 2018

How?? in Short Thoughts

How do you get motivated to do things? Even when they are really boring. I cant keep my attention on this, but I need to get it done. It’s not hard work, just so freaking boring.


So here I am again, old friend, having conversations with you in my head that we will probably never have. I haven’t the courage to try for a connection with so many people around. I barely have ...


Why do I feel so broken? Hearts scared and mind askew. I am different know. I dont know why. I’m like a paper mache mess. Sloppily glued together to appear whole. I’m not sure what shape this is....


I should be happy. I’m seeing Ozzy and Stone Sour. I should be thrilled. But all I can think about is how great it would be if you were here, Jay. How much fun wed have jamming out. Your girl wou...


October 02, 2018

Free in Short Thoughts


September 30, 2018

:( in Short Thoughts

I know I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. But I already miss you. Goodnight.


We weave our dreams together, Carefully, Strand by hesitant strand. We share pieces of ourselves, And slowly we form a plan. Our hopes, Or goals, Our delights, Our woes, Our sins, And our souls. ...


Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he s...


That I start to feel uneasy about you? I’m less and less satisfied. Maybe I’m just growing cold. Your words are dangerous, ‘There is no sin.’ Lies. And why? Are you consoling me? Or yourself? An ...


Our words and actions affect the world around us more than we are willing to acknowledge. We can turn people into monsters, creating a backlashing of violent ripples that eventually affect us all...


How many prophets can one girl meet? How many does she need? What is my place in this? I feel I’m dangling on the edge of insanity. Is my life never normal? Or am I so bored that I’ve fabricated ...


I have to tell him tonight. About J. But he told me he wouldn’t want to know. But how can I consider marrying someone who I cant tell everything to. Who doesn’t understand. I cant let secrets com...


And I feel like I cant keep up. My son is amazing. Hes learning things that kids twice his age have just discovered. He is so mature. I am so proud of him. My new boyfriend, hes amazing too. He a...


August 12, 2018

The Phantom in My Fucking Feelings

How do I get you out of my head? I watched Phatom of the Opera today. It’s my absolute favorite. I almost cried. She chose wrong. If that childhood friend of hers loved her so much where was he w...


August 08, 2018

Stuck on You in My Fucking Feelings

Here I am, aching for you again. Every night is the same. I should just disappear a while. Let you be. Until one day you have the courage to again approach me. It is so very hard to do. For the o...


Sometimes I just want to turn the world off for a while. I sit here thinking of you. I’ve meticulously absorbed myself in video games to keep those thoughts away but they always return. There are...


July 27, 2018

Tired in My Fucking Feelings

Tired of being strong. Tired of being the happy silly drunk girl. Tired of making people laugh at my expense. Tired of fighting for the attention of the unworthy. Tired of pushing g away those th...


July 23, 2018

Disappointment in Short Thoughts

I guess I wasn’t invited after all… I hope they are different. I hope they are real. I should know better. Sad.


Memories burn in my soul. An eternal fire that never dulls. A burrow in my heart Like a huge scar That I cover with a sticker See? I’m great! Never better. But the scar never fades The coals neve...


I convinced myself to log on and write. Ivr been meaning too for a while I just never get to the writing part. Been having a rough time. My therapist thinks I might have ptsd. I was going to writ...


Books 5




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