ThePhoenix ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot.

'I'm not ashamed. You're Entertained. But. I'm not a puppet I am a grenade.'

Marylin Manson

Entries 75

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Today at chuch I prayed for one of my residents to be healed of paralysis. Two other women prayed with me. Not knowing what his affliction was one of the women cited the story of Jesus healing a ...


Paranoid Personality Disorders You are all doing this to set me up for disaster. Schizoid Personality Disorder I hate everyone equally, except you, I hate you the most. Schizotypal Personality Di...


https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6_BPZ3oVRl4&feature=share


I’ve been trying to translate tongues from Hebrew to English. It usually starts the same, so I figure it must be some sort of declaration. So far I haven’t had a lot of luck translating phonetica...


October 27, 2017

Stress in My Fucking Feelings

Today my anxiety was very high. I was fighting off social avoidance, but the desire to withdrawl from social interaction was almost unbearable. I find myself worrying about things that haven’t ha...


It’s funny. You took words out of my mouth And turned them into lyrics. Without bothering to understand what they meant. Just assumed the worst. And took credit for my thoughts Without blinking a...


I must thank God for the amazing new job he sent me. I’ll be working in a care center for people with traumatic brain injuries. I’m working towards a job in psychology so it’s perfect for my fiel...


I read somewhere that some Christians believe that prophets come in pairs: one that hears the voice of God, and one that interprets his words for the people. Think Moses and Aaron. I’m not sure w...


I see that smile, you are hiding from me, don’t let them see, or think you enjoy my company. now I remember, what torture was worth, moments like this, a shadow of birth. the sparkle in your eye,...


People see me write on here about my old friend J, and they have a million questions. Who was he? A lover? A friend? A Nemesis? Why is he no longer around? Is he dead? J is Schrodinger’s cat. The...


September 25, 2017

Joy in Gathering of Poetry and Fiction

Joy, like a bubbling hot spring, it fills my body, warming my extremities. The Spirit flows through, my heart takes flight, I could fly into the clouds, bathed in light. I can not understand it, ...


September 17, 2017

It's been a day. in My Fucking Feelings

I went to a show today. It’s been a while. At first it was cold. It is hard to feel people thinking bad things about you and smiling to your face, and then jut politely sit back and act like you ...


I wish I could be in a place where I could see your mind Outside of your mind. And hear your voice Outside of my head. And see your face Right in front of my face Everyday. And I wish I could see...


Haven’t written in a while. Not sure about the security of this online format anymore. I mean, I do make it public, but I also want to be anonymous. I don’t give my journal out to anyone. It’s po...


August 04, 2017

Invisible in My Fucking Feelings

Why is it that I feel the lack of you today so strongly? Perhaps it is the show that I will be missing tomorrow. I should have found something else to do to take my mind off of it. I know it is g...


August 03, 2017

Feelings Lie in My Fucking Feelings

My feelings are lieing to me again. They are telling me nobody will ever understand me. That I’ll be alone forever. That it will never get better. Because I’m a freak. There are alot of us though...


I’m so confused about my brain right now. It’s lie I don’t even know what I want sometimes. I go full force in one direction and then entirely ruin my progress moving the opposite way. Maybe I’m ...


July 31, 2017

ADHD Vomit in My Fucking Feelings

All day my brain has been buzzing with random thoughts. Not sure what to do with them all, where to write them or which ones are worth saving and which ones I should just let drift away. When you...


Today I want to talk about something I think alot about. As a prospective religion/psychology major I am always pondering the idea of mental illness. Most people see mental illness as an obstacl...


Well last night I looked at the fortune cookie fortunes stuck to my fridge and one of them said that three months from today would be my lucky day. I look at the date written on the back amd real...


Despite my torrent of deppression in the moment I’ve been fighting and holding on tight. Seems like I only write when I’m sad or panicking or some other negative emotion. I got into a fight with ...


What did he do to me? He tried to help, but did he help? Or did he make it worse? All the things he used to remind me of you, now they do. But what about the rest? Was it for my benefit or for hi...


My deppression is getting worse. I’m starting to feel sad and apathetic. Nothing can take my mind off things. I’ve made feeble attempts to reach out to friends, but as always, the ones I want to ...


Another sleepless night. Maybe God’s trying to talk to me. That’s what my mom said. She said if you can’t sleep it means God is trying to talk to you. Maybe I’m just no good at listening. My mind...


I made this secret place for myself, a diary, but then I made it public. I don’t tell people about it so I assume they don’t know. Maybe some people have been clever enough to find it. It’s possi...


Books 3




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