ThePhoenix ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot.

'I'm not ashamed. You're Entertained. But. I'm not a puppet I am a grenade.'

Marylin Manson

Entries 67

Page 1 of 3

People see me write on here about my old friend J, and they have a million questions. Who was he? A lover? A friend? A Nemesis? Why is he no longer around? Is he dead? J is Schrodinger’s cat. The...


Joy, like a bubbling hot spring, it fills my body, warming my extremities. The Spirit flows through, my heart takes flight, I could fly into the clouds, bathed in light. I can not understand it, ...


September 17, 2017

It's been a day. in My Fucking Feelings

I went to a show today. It’s been a while. At first it was cold. It is hard to feel people thinking bad things about you and smiling to your face, and then jut politely sit back and act like you ...


I wish I could be in a place where I could see your mind Outside of your mind. And hear your voice Outside of my head. And see your face Right in front of my face Everyday. And I wish I could see...


Haven’t written in a while. Not sure about the security of this online format anymore. I mean, I do make it public, but I also want to be anonymous. I don’t give my journal out to anyone. It’s po...


August 05, 2017

Invisible in My Fucking Feelings

Why is it that I feel the lack of you today so strongly? Perhaps it is the show that I will be missing tomorrow. I should have found something else to do to take my mind off of it. I know it is g...


August 04, 2017

Feelings Lie in My Fucking Feelings

My feelings are lieing to me again. They are telling me nobody will ever understand me. That I’ll be alone forever. That it will never get better. Because I’m a freak. There are alot of us though...


I’m so confused about my brain right now. It’s lie I don’t even know what I want sometimes. I go full force in one direction and then entirely ruin my progress moving the opposite way. Maybe I’m ...


August 01, 2017

ADHD Vomit in My Fucking Feelings

All day my brain has been buzzing with random thoughts. Not sure what to do with them all, where to write them or which ones are worth saving and which ones I should just let drift away. When you...


Today I want to talk about something I think alot about. As a prospective religion/psychology major I am always pondering the idea of mental illness. Most people see mental illness as an obstacl...


Well last night I looked at the fortune cookie fortunes stuck to my fridge and one of them said that three months from today would be my lucky day. I look at the date written on the back amd real...


Despite my torrent of deppression in the moment I’ve been fighting and holding on tight. Seems like I only write when I’m sad or panicking or some other negative emotion. I got into a fight with ...


What did he do to me? He tried to help, but did he help? Or did he make it worse? All the things he used to remind me of you, now they do. But what about the rest? Was it for my benefit or for hi...


My deppression is getting worse. I’m starting to feel sad and apathetic. Nothing can take my mind off things. I’ve made feeble attempts to reach out to friends, but as always, the ones I want to ...


Another sleepless night. Maybe God’s trying to talk to me. That’s what my mom said. She said if you can’t sleep it means God is trying to talk to you. Maybe I’m just no good at listening. My mind...


I made this secret place for myself, a diary, but then I made it public. I don’t tell people about it so I assume they don’t know. Maybe some people have been clever enough to find it. It’s possi...


Now I know what’s coming for you. It’s him. My old enemy. He has so many names. The deciever masquerades as a mentor. A dealer. A friend. He knew about you long before you came along. Summoned bo...


And suddenly she realises that Phantom of the Opera was a true story. If there was one more act maybe it wouldn’t be such a tragedy. He would miraculously come back to life and the two would be t...


July 17, 2017

Tired in My Fucking Feelings

Dumping some old entries today. Be patient haha. Really tired of Fake friends Fake smiles Fake sentiment Fake effort Really tired of Crying alone Trying to be strong Responsibilities of any kind ...


The Golden Dime, a Story About Narcassists Once upon a time there was a dime. Who was told it needed to be a quarter. People would say, ‘a quarter is more than twice as good as you. I’d much rath...


What do I fear? ‘This is what you should fear. You are what you should fear.’ -Marylin Manson closed mindedness in the church I often times am afraid to speak of my faith very specifically. Some ...


July 17, 2017

Everywhere in My Fucking Feelings

I always see you. Why are you everywhere? And I know this hurt Is just what you wanted. Make me rue the day, Right? But you have no idea. You couldn’t possibly understand. What pain like this is....


Gloom. Looking around and realising, How alone I am. Fighting all day to be social, Like maybe this will help. At the end of the day, Its all the same. Alone. This is the life of a freak. I have ...


Feeling a cloud of gloom come over my life. I’m having trouble getting a new job. I’m not goimg to be able to pay for college. I’m struggling socially and moat days I’d rather sleep all day than ...


I have found a new direction, new interests, made new goals. This is good right? But a question still plagues me: Is this about me or is it about you? It is okay for you to have influenced my lif...


Books 3




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