LachrymoseBeauty

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 247

Page 1 of 10

I should know better than to vent to people who tell me I can vent to them and they will always be there if I want to talk. All the most well meaning people get dragged down by hearing my proble...


November 02, 2024

Whats this? in Short Thoughts

Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a monotonous hellscape. None of my choices seem to matter. Things seem to go badly no matter what I do so why do I keep trying? I’m alone and disconnected fr...


October 24, 2024

Jays Happiness in Short Thoughts

You know Jay, sometimes seeing you happy with her made me a bit jealous. Sometimes a tad bitter. But it did something more for me. It reminded me that you were okay. Even though I treated you ba...


Important Special Loved Understood Wanted Unique Capable Desirable Strong Courageous Kind Human Eternal Needed


October 04, 2024

Vision in Project Self

I am in a warm place I am making something I smell sweet food I hear animals I taste salt I feel clay I see colors I hear fire I hear water I smell trees I smell books I have someone to share my...


October 04, 2024

Shadow in Project Self

Selfish Foolish Mean Lazy Ungreatful Closed Judgemental Rude Prejudiced Hateful


October 04, 2024

I am in Project Self

I am resilient I am lonely I am an artist I am creative I am smart I am loving I am messy I am a small part of a bigger story I am alive I am stubborn


September 17, 2024

Why? in Short Thoughts

What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why am I still alive? When will it be okay to just give up? I’m so tired. I just want to be done.


I wish I could take you up on that offer you made so long ago to talk to God for me. I wish you’d pray for me and ask God to send me a partner. Someone who would be a good match for me and make m...


There’s this persistent feeling of ill ccontent.Im not sure how to describe it. I’m always tired no matter how much I feel. My brain feels warm and swollen and floaty. I can’t concentrate. Can’t ...


Many Christians do not support gay marriage because they are hung up on the idea that a successful relationship must be between a man and a woman. What they fail to see is that gender identity is...


The day I saw the announcement for your band’s last show I cried so hard and long that I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut. It isn’t the music I mourned for the loss of. The musi...


And the door open. Just in case you want to step through it again. Always hoping to hear from you. Hoping you will come back even though I know you probably won’t. Can you blame me for hoping? Wh...


November 25, 2023

Happy Birthday in Phoenix Rises Again

Not really. It was pretty dissapointing. That’s what I get for having expectations or hope. Not the worst birthday I’ve had but Not a good one either. The morning started without meds. Gotta pick...


November 15, 2023

Reality is Cruel in Phoenix Rises Again

I sometimes feel myself slipping back into delusion. Just daydreaming, drifting into a more exciting world. There I feel powerful and special. I feel like I have a destiny. But it’s all just make...


November 13, 2023

It's all grey in Phoenix Rises Again

Been super depressed the last couple of days. Don’t know that there’s anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it anymore. Friends that you think will be there for you forever, no matter what, ...


November 11, 2023

It Hurts Again in Phoenix Rises Again

I wonder how she would react if she found out you asked for my hand in marriage while you were dating her? Just a tease. Get a girl’s hopes up. Then I had to watch you propose to her. With the ri...


Broke up with my girlfriend. It was anticlimactic. Getting close to being caught up in one class while shipping behind in the other. My advisor doesn’t seem to know how to do her job. My therapis...


I feel I have gotten to the point where nobody cares about the story of my past. It’s not the book they are reading, just backstory of the characters. They are looking at me and hoping the book t...


It’s hard to sleep when you know your baby’s body might be on display in a tube of formaldehyde like some kind of sick art exhibit. How exactly do I explain that kind of pain to anyone? I’m just ...


Because you dont care either. Indifferent. My good friend died last week. Suddenly. My birthday buddy. Hes been around so long. I assumed he always would be. We had plans. We were in the process ...


A woman said the strangest thing to me the other day. We were talking about prayer. She asked if I prayed and I told her I did and she says, “does it work?” It took me a while to process the que...


May 01, 2023

Fuck this in Phoenix Rises Again

Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


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