FireStarter ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 144

Page 1 of 6

So here I am again, old friend, having conversations with you in my head that we will probably never have. I haven’t the courage to try for a connection with so many people around. I barely have ...


Why do I feel so broken? Hearts scared and mind askew. I am different know. I dont know why. I’m like a paper mache mess. Sloppily glued together to appear whole. I’m not sure what shape this is....


I should be happy. I’m seeing Ozzy and Stone Sour. I should be thrilled. But all I can think about is how great it would be if you were here, Jay. How much fun wed have jamming out. Your girl wou...


October 02, 2018

Free in Short Thoughts


September 30, 2018

:( in Short Thoughts

I know I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. But I already miss you. Goodnight.


We weave our dreams together, Carefully, Strand by hesitant strand. We share pieces of ourselves, And slowly we form a plan. Our hopes, Or goals, Our delights, Our woes, Our sins, And our souls. ...


Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he s...


That I start to feel uneasy about you? I’m less and less satisfied. Maybe I’m just growing cold. Your words are dangerous, ‘There is no sin.’ Lies. And why? Are you consoling me? Or yourself? An ...


Our words and actions affect the world around us more than we are willing to acknowledge. We can turn people into monsters, creating a backlashing of violent ripples that eventually affect us all...


How many prophets can one girl meet? How many does she need? What is my place in this? I feel I’m dangling on the edge of insanity. Is my life never normal? Or am I so bored that I’ve fabricated ...


I have to tell him tonight. About J. But he told me he wouldn’t want to know. But how can I consider marrying someone who I cant tell everything to. Who doesn’t understand. I cant let secrets com...


And I feel like I cant keep up. My son is amazing. Hes learning things that kids twice his age have just discovered. He is so mature. I am so proud of him. My new boyfriend, hes amazing too. He a...


August 12, 2018

The Phantom in My Fucking Feelings

How do I get you out of my head? I watched Phatom of the Opera today. It’s my absolute favorite. I almost cried. She chose wrong. If that childhood friend of hers loved her so much where was he w...


August 08, 2018

Stuck on You in My Fucking Feelings

Here I am, aching for you again. Every night is the same. I should just disappear a while. Let you be. Until one day you have the courage to again approach me. It is so very hard to do. For the o...


Sometimes I just want to turn the world off for a while. I sit here thinking of you. I’ve meticulously absorbed myself in video games to keep those thoughts away but they always return. There are...


July 27, 2018

Tired in My Fucking Feelings

Tired of being strong. Tired of being the happy silly drunk girl. Tired of making people laugh at my expense. Tired of fighting for the attention of the unworthy. Tired of pushing g away those th...


July 23, 2018

Disappointment in Short Thoughts

I guess I wasn’t invited after all… I hope they are different. I hope they are real. I should know better. Sad.


Memories burn in my soul. An eternal fire that never dulls. A burrow in my heart Like a huge scar That I cover with a sticker See? I’m great! Never better. But the scar never fades The coals neve...


I convinced myself to log on and write. Ivr been meaning too for a while I just never get to the writing part. Been having a rough time. My therapist thinks I might have ptsd. I was going to writ...


May 11, 2018

Tension in My Fucking Feelings

Why do I keep holding onto hope that someday, somehow we will be together? Why does it feel like we were meant to be? That’s clearly bogus. If I could just convince myself the whole thing is craz...


May 09, 2018

Grey in My Fucking Feelings

Everyday is grey. It’s difficult to motivate myself to do anything. I have a million projects to work on and I finally have some time. Instead I’ve been playing games on my computer. I should tak...


Usually when I lose my job I am sad for a day. I am usually anxious about finding a new job. I worry about paying the bills because that was what my job was. It was a paycheck. But then after I’v...


May 03, 2018

Plea in My Fucking Feelings

I’ve all but given up on diet and exercise. I forgot my medicine today and spent the day praying I wouldn’t sunk from the anxiety and depression. Work has become very stressful with the lack of a...


But it seems like today I did everything wrong. Or maybe someone just decided it was all my fault. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between the two. They took away the only day I work with my frie...


I guess I lost my pin at the show the other night. The one with Austin on it. I shouldn’t have worn it out. :(


Books 5




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