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After several nights of not sleeping well, I’m finally tired. Yet I dont want to go to sleep. In my mind there are still things that need to be done. Indeed there are, but it’s not those normal t...
How many relationships will I get my hopes up for only to have a crashing downward spiral of destruction start with the words, “Who is Jay?” How many times will I force my heart to love only to f...
So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty.
So I was abused.
Didnt feel like ...
People spend a lot of time at work. I always hear people complain about work and say they wish they didnt have to work. Here’s the truth:
If all you get out of your job is money then they aren’t ...
There it is again.
Claws it’s way gently up my spine.
The pills dont keep it away anymore.
But what happened?
Why should I feel sad?
Is this my emotion?
How do you get motivated to do things? Even when they are really boring. I cant keep my attention on this, but I need to get it done. It’s not hard work, just so freaking boring.
So here I am again, old friend, having conversations with you in my head that we will probably never have. I haven’t the courage to try for a connection with so many people around. I barely have ...
Why do I feel so broken?
Hearts scared and mind askew.
I am different know.
I dont know why.
I’m like a paper mache mess.
Sloppily glued together to appear whole.
I’m not sure what shape this is....
I should be happy. I’m seeing Ozzy and Stone Sour. I should be thrilled. But all I can think about is how great it would be if you were here, Jay. How much fun wed have jamming out. Your girl wou...
I know I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. But I already miss you. Goodnight.
We weave our dreams together,
Strand by hesitant strand.
We share pieces of ourselves,
And slowly we form a plan.
And our souls.
Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he s...
That I start to feel uneasy about you?
I’m less and less satisfied.
Maybe I’m just growing cold.
Your words are dangerous,
‘There is no sin.’
Are you consoling me?
Our words and actions affect the world around us more than we are willing to acknowledge. We can turn people into monsters, creating a backlashing of violent ripples that eventually affect us all...
How many prophets can one girl meet? How many does she need? What is my place in this? I feel I’m dangling on the edge of insanity. Is my life never normal? Or am I so bored that I’ve fabricated ...
I have to tell him tonight. About J. But he told me he wouldn’t want to know. But how can I consider marrying someone who I cant tell everything to. Who doesn’t understand. I cant let secrets com...
And I feel like I cant keep up. My son is amazing. Hes learning things that kids twice his age have just discovered. He is so mature. I am so proud of him.
My new boyfriend, hes amazing too. He a...
How do I get you out of my head?
I watched Phatom of the Opera today. It’s my absolute favorite. I almost cried. She chose wrong. If that childhood friend of hers loved her so much where was he w...
Here I am, aching for you again. Every night is the same. I should just disappear a while. Let you be. Until one day you have the courage to again approach me. It is so very hard to do.
For the o...
Sometimes I just want to turn the world off for a while. I sit here thinking of you. I’ve meticulously absorbed myself in video games to keep those thoughts away but they always return.
Tired of being strong.
Tired of being the happy silly drunk girl.
Tired of making people laugh at my expense.
Tired of fighting for the attention of the unworthy.
Tired of pushing g away those th...
I guess I wasn’t invited after all…
I hope they are different.
I hope they are real.
I should know better.
Memories burn in my soul.
An eternal fire that never dulls.
A burrow in my heart
Like a huge scar
That I cover with a sticker
See? I’m great!
But the scar never fades
The coals neve...
I convinced myself to log on and write. Ivr been meaning too for a while I just never get to the writing part. Been having a rough time. My therapist thinks I might have ptsd.
I was going to writ...