LachrymoseBeauty ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 200

Page 1 of 8

So I drove all the way here. Five and a half hours. Messed up my hotel reservation, had 200 bucks go missing from my account, exposed my son to covid and didnt even get to see Jay. His band pulle...


Communication. Communication. Something I seem to be failing at. I’ve been told from the very beginning. Need to work on this. Need to do it better. ADHD. Emotional instability. I’m sick of my o...


My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do ...


Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Every...


Just found out both my parents have covid. And a friend from back home. We are supposed to be going to have thanksgiving there. And my birthday. And to see Jay for the last time. Now my options a...


November 16, 2021

Wierd shit I do in Phoenix Rises Again

An old schoolmate can p on people you might now on facebook. Added him. We started chatting. I ended up pouring my heart out about all the ahit that’s happened the last couple years. Didnt really...


November 14, 2021

Hey Jay in Phoenix Rises Again

Remember when you used to steal my diary and read it? When you used to watch me? When you used to want to know every little thing happening in my life? When you couldn’t get enough of me? I wish ...


Looks like I’ve passed my mental illness to my son. I always knew it would happen but I thought it wouldnt happen this soon. Hes only 8. Friday at school I got a call from the nurse saying that h...


November 12, 2021

Treading Water in Phoenix Rises Again

I feel incredibly uncomfortable with my current living arrangments but the chances of being able to save a new deposit for a place seem bleak, not to mention the cost of moving itself. And of cou...


November 05, 2021

Everything in Phoenix Rises Again

Everything is getting to me today. I know none of it’s actually aimed at me but it still feels like it is. I wish I could turn that part if my brain off. Suddenly I’m too exhausted to have anythi...


It got bad again today. I tried really hard to fight it this time. I avoided hard. Every time I see your pictures now or here your voice recorded it doesnt soothe me anymore. Because I know soon ...


October 31, 2021

Talking to Jay in Phoenix Rises Again

Jay’s band is disbanding. Over Thanksgiving break they will have their last show. And since it’s been the only place I can talk to him, this will be my last chance to do so. After this I will pro...


October 29, 2021

Change in Phoenix Rises Again

Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me ...


October 26, 2021

I Must be Crazy in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m about to move in with a cute girl I’ve known less than a week. And her kids. And her ex wife. And for some reason it all seems pretty peaceful and chill. This is probably a terrible idea. But...


October 25, 2021

Cute Girl in Phoenix Rises Again

Met a cute girl on Bumble a few days ago. Now we are going over for dinner tomorrow and discussing the possibility of my son and I moving in. I’ve heard of uhaul on the 2nd date but this is madne...


October 13, 2021

I just keep thinking in Short Thoughts

This cant be goodbye. But I’m the one who left. Miss you so much today. Wesley cant make it go away.


I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers...


September 29, 2021

About to Implode in Short Thoughts

I dont feel like I have an outlet for my emotions right oow or any moral support from anyone. This is all eating me alive.


September 28, 2021

-.- in Short Thoughts

Already feeling shitty about my last post. I shouldn’t care right? It’s my damn journal not a PR blog or some shit.


September 28, 2021

To My Stalker in Phoenix Rises Again

I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death t...


Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow. Every...


September 03, 2021

It Just Be That Way in Short Thoughts

I feel like I’m under performing, not meeting my own standards, feel like a lazy fuck who will never accomplish anything. I need forward motion. I need to fix my medicaid, find a therapist. It’s ...


And here I am thinking about you again Jay. Seeing you on the internet and always wishing for more of you. Not more of your face or your body. More of your words, your eyes, your voice. A more ge...


June 20, 2021

Work in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m getting real tired of people at work looking at me with condescending eyes and talking to me in a completely asshole way. It’s not the patients. They are aight. It’s the nurses and other CNAs...


June 19, 2021

Monotony in Phoenix Rises Again

Feels like the days are all blending together. I work. I pay bills. I watch tv. I come home to a messy, empty house. I need to find something to look forward to every week. I’m numb. All these bo...


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