LachrymoseBeauty ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 219

Page 1 of 9

It just hasn’t been the same without you Jay. The rock scene feels empty. I dont know why I bother going out anymore. Maybe I wont. Miss you terrible.


She cried on the phone today like I’ve never heard her cry before. It was scary because she never cries. She’s always been the strong one. I still don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to...


It would seem that the days I have trouble getting you off my mind are the difficult days. The days when I feel like I’m shaking apart and might be better off dead than feeling like this. My mind...


March 18, 2022

Stress in Phoenix Rises Again

All the stress and anxiety from being constantly around my triggers is wearing me down. I’m shutting down. Avoiding people. Feel overwhelmed all the time. Dont have a safe place to chill and cope...


Does anyone know where I can go to get a free or low cost college education as a foreigner. I desperately want to go to med school. It’s too expensive here. Let me know how it works where you are...


I am afraid. I’m afraid I will die before I get to see the world and chase my dreams and raise my child. And I’m afraid I’ll never see you again. I’m afraid I’ll never get to have one of those s...


February 17, 2022

Dreams in Phoenix Rises Again

Perhaps they are where hope goes to die. I dreamed of you again last night Jay. Twice. The first dream I remembered having had before. I don’t remember much now. In the 2nd dream it was Christmas...


February 07, 2022

-.- in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m in such an I’ll contented mood right now and I don’t even know why. I’ll be driving again in about a week. I should be happy. This is the missing piece of the puzzle. Now I can work again and...


My life is in a bad place all around. I know I’m supposed to be positive but first Ima just dump some things here they’ve been bothering me. 1. A guy put his dick in me without permission and now...


January 29, 2022

Almost Drowned in Phoenix Rises Again

I’m sitting in the calm before the storm, Wondering if it’ll be worth it this time. Or if maybe this time, The storm I conjured with raw honesty Will finally drown me for good. I asked for what I...


January 20, 2022

Restless in Phoenix Rises Again

I actually really enjoyed quarantine when I was in my own house. But here I’m trapped. I’m bored. I have nobody to talk to and just bullshit. It’s too cold to go outside. I cant sleep. This bed h...


So I’ve been struggling with these thoughts not knowing if it’s a good idea to write them here. Having no idea who might be reading this, but I figure I’ll just say fuck it and go ahead. So if yo...


January 14, 2022

A Day at a Time in Phoenix Rises Again

My brains not having an easy time of it today. Hormones are a factor. Stress is a factor. But ultimately what it comes down to is that bad days are inevitable so let’s do that positivity thing ag...


And then my mother walked in and destroyed the beautiful sun, covering the sky with cloud. No sunset, no beautiful storm, just ugly grey clouds. She’s ridiculous. Absolutely no fucks given for pe...


The show was amazing on a whole new level. But of course now I’m overthinking every social encounter I had the entire night, like I do. Jay jumped off the stage and proposed to his girlfriend an...


January 09, 2022

Show time in Phoenix Rises Again

Its not time to get ready for the show yet but I’ve been mentally getting ready for days. Feels like I cant breathe. Not literally just mentally. Haven’t been sleeping well and I’m probably gonna...


Not feeling very positive today so I’m here to practice. I’m gonna leave put all the bad stuff. Only positive statements. Here goes. I’m talking to a really cute girl who seems interested in me....


December 16, 2021

Epiphany in Phoenix Rises Again

The truest realizations about life can be hard to handle. I had a breakthrough or two the last couple days and I figured it might be wise to write them down. Maybe it’ll be an entry of more subst...


December 15, 2021

Cant sleep in Phoenix Rises Again

Couldn’t sleep yesterday. Cant sleep again today. I can pretend its because I’m sick, but truth be told, everytime I close my eyes I’m back at summer camp and Jay’s making me cry for the first ti...


So I drove all the way here. Five and a half hours. Messed up my hotel reservation, had 200 bucks go missing from my account, exposed my son to covid and didnt even get to see Jay. His band pulle...


November 26, 2021

Flaw of the Mind in Phoenix Rises Again

Communication. Communication. Something I seem to be failing at. I’ve been told from the very beginning. Need to work on this. Need to do it better. ADHD. Emotional instability. I’m sick of my o...


November 25, 2021

34 sucks in Phoenix Rises Again

My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do ...


Been super depressed lately. Everything that’s going on has hit me pretty hard. I’m always a little down right before my birthday. Historically a day thats gone unmarked since kindergarten. Every...


November 23, 2021

Wtf life in Phoenix Rises Again

Just found out both my parents have covid. And a friend from back home. We are supposed to be going to have thanksgiving there. And my birthday. And to see Jay for the last time. Now my options a...


November 17, 2021

Wierd shit I do in Phoenix Rises Again

An old schoolmate can p on people you might now on facebook. Added him. We started chatting. I ended up pouring my heart out about all the ahit that’s happened the last couple years. Didnt really...


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