LachrymoseBeauty ⋅

My journals sort through some things, my feelings and my faith mostly. I'm dealing with some major psychological problems but writing it out helps alot. All of these journals are intended to remain anonymous. If you somehow discover my identity please be respectful and keep this space and my thoughts private.

Entries 239

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I wish I could take you up on that offer you made so long ago to talk to God for me. I wish you’d pray for me and ask God to send me a partner. Someone who would be a good match for me and make m...


There’s this persistent feeling of ill ccontent.Im not sure how to describe it. I’m always tired no matter how much I feel. My brain feels warm and swollen and floaty. I can’t concentrate. Can’t ...


Many Christians do not support gay marriage because they are hung up on the idea that a successful relationship must be between a man and a woman. What they fail to see is that gender identity is...


The day I saw the announcement for your band’s last show I cried so hard and long that I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen shut. It isn’t the music I mourned for the loss of. The musi...


And the door open. Just in case you want to step through it again. Always hoping to hear from you. Hoping you will come back even though I know you probably won’t. Can you blame me for hoping? Wh...


November 25, 2023

Happy Birthday in Phoenix Rises Again

Not really. It was pretty dissapointing. That’s what I get for having expectations or hope. Not the worst birthday I’ve had but Not a good one either. The morning started without meds. Gotta pick...


November 15, 2023

Reality is Cruel in Phoenix Rises Again

I sometimes feel myself slipping back into delusion. Just daydreaming, drifting into a more exciting world. There I feel powerful and special. I feel like I have a destiny. But it’s all just make...


November 13, 2023

It's all grey in Phoenix Rises Again

Been super depressed the last couple of days. Don’t know that there’s anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it anymore. Friends that you think will be there for you forever, no matter what, ...


November 11, 2023

It Hurts Again in Phoenix Rises Again

I wonder how she would react if she found out you asked for my hand in marriage while you were dating her? Just a tease. Get a girl’s hopes up. Then I had to watch you propose to her. With the ri...


Broke up with my girlfriend. It was anticlimactic. Getting close to being caught up in one class while shipping behind in the other. My advisor doesn’t seem to know how to do her job. My therapis...


I feel I have gotten to the point where nobody cares about the story of my past. It’s not the book they are reading, just backstory of the characters. They are looking at me and hoping the book t...


It’s hard to sleep when you know your baby’s body might be on display in a tube of formaldehyde like some kind of sick art exhibit. How exactly do I explain that kind of pain to anyone? I’m just ...


Because you dont care either. Indifferent. My good friend died last week. Suddenly. My birthday buddy. Hes been around so long. I assumed he always would be. We had plans. We were in the process ...


A woman said the strangest thing to me the other day. We were talking about prayer. She asked if I prayed and I told her I did and she says, “does it work?” It took me a while to process the que...


May 01, 2023

Fuck this in Phoenix Rises Again

Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone...


March 03, 2023

Today in Short Thoughts

Peak thinking time and motivation today: 4pm


February 25, 2023

Fear in Short Thoughts

Woke up with this terrible fear that something happened to my son while we were in another state. Out of nowhere. What is this? Panic attack? Bad dream? Mothers intuition? I dont even know what t...


It just hasn’t been the same without you Jay. The rock scene feels empty. I dont know why I bother going out anymore. Maybe I wont. Miss you terrible.


She cried on the phone today like I’ve never heard her cry before. It was scary because she never cries. She’s always been the strong one. I still don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to...


It would seem that the days I have trouble getting you off my mind are the difficult days. The days when I feel like I’m shaking apart and might be better off dead than feeling like this. My mind...


March 17, 2022

Stress in Phoenix Rises Again

All the stress and anxiety from being constantly around my triggers is wearing me down. I’m shutting down. Avoiding people. Feel overwhelmed all the time. Dont have a safe place to chill and cope...


Does anyone know where I can go to get a free or low cost college education as a foreigner. I desperately want to go to med school. It’s too expensive here. Let me know how it works where you are...


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