Happy Birthday in Phoenix Rises Again

Not really. It was pretty dissapointing. That’s what I get for having expectations or hope. Not the worst birthday I’ve had but Not a good one either. The morning started without meds. Gotta pick those up tomorrow while I’m starting the beginning stages of withdrawl. Today my life felt pointless. I wanted to just be done living. But I’m still here. That’s another point for me. Behind me Satan.

My birthday wishes that went unanswered this year:

I didn’t get a hug from Jay. Or a happy Birthday. Or anything that resemvled him remembering I exist.

My birthday buddy didn’t come back to life. First year I got older and he didn’t. First time ever. Sorry bud. Wish you had made it to celebrate with me this year. Guess I’m leveling up for both of us.

Didn’t have kinky sex Or any kind of sex at all. Didn’t even get myself a new sex toy like I wanted. I got lunch. Bow I have an empty gas tank and an overdrawn bank account.

Didn’t have cake.

Don’t know how I’m gonna pay rent. Hopefully I get a call from the new job soon.

Didn’t get to craft all day. I made a crochet slot. I was sick of it half way through but finished it anyway. The roomie is still asleep on the floor and I’ll have to clean up all the messes I made today in the morning.

I didn’t even eat dinner.

Cut my hair off yesterday and tried to dye in. It still isn’t sticking right. Not sure what’s wrong with my hair. Just don’t care too much.

I’ve barely seen my kitty all day. Hopefully she will want to snuggle tonight. Roomies cat is taling over.

My son is away all weekend but I didn’t get to do anything exciting Or adulty.

The only person who wished my a happy Birthday online was my ex girlfriend.

No cuddles no sex no super exciting presents, no fun events really, just me sitting on my ass watching tv as per usual. No energy. No joy. No hope.Each hour more depressing than the last as each new plan for entertainment fell through.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. When I’m medicated. Maybe I’ll think of a way to actually relax. Nothings working lately.

Maybe if I have a heart attack in my sleep everyone will say ‘well damn, at least she was trying. At least she had a plan.’ And my son will be raised by the same hellbeast that raised me. Fuck That’s terrifying. At least I’d get to see my birthday buddy again. And Jay would never notice I was gone.

This attitude is bullshit and I know it. It needs to stop.

I should just give up on the day and go to bed finally. Hell, it’s already tomorrow.

Let me know if you want to send a belated birthday present rofl, yeah right.

Oh, did I mention one of my “best friends” got married and I heard about it on Facebook. Kewl bitch.

Fuck this whole day.