Pretty sure I’ve been in the iron grip of a powerful manic episode for about 3 weeks now. You know, they say if you experience a manic episode lasting longer than 7 days, you should check yourself in at a hospital. I’ve had manic episodes that lasted months. I have never, ever checked myself in to a hospital. There were numerous times I definitely should have.
This feels like a different kind of episode, though. I mean, maybe this is what mental illness feels like to a genuinely happy person and I never knew because I’ve never been genuinely happy before.
I can feel the mania buzzing like a live wire inside me, but also a strange sense of peace and calm. And yet, there it is, there’s that thought again… “I’d be better off dead.” How can a happy person think such a thing? I really do not know, but there it is. And it’s really not a “better off dead” kind of thought, actually. It’s more just an overwhelming desire to give up. To lie down and quit. Quit trying, quit working, quit caring, just quit. Just stop being.
Except quitting has never really been my thing. I’m a fiercely stubborn bitch, I don’t give up easily, if ever.