Sometimes I realize something about myself that hits me so hard it feels like there’s a tiny little earthquake happening right at the very center of my body. I feel like I’m quaking from the inside, shock waves radiating out from this tiny epicenter, rattling me to the core of my being. That meme up there is not the thing that quaked me, not the big thing, but it was a little thing that shook me a little. It made me look at myself, at my behaviors, the ways I express myself. It made me realize that I am most definitely an over-explainer. I think that’s why writing has always been such an important outlet for me. I can just type and type and type and let all the things flow out, all of the thoughts and explanations and then I feel better, even if no one is listening(reading).
So this thing that hit me, the quake, … Like, it seems so small now. It was just: I’m okay. Just the way I am. Just the way I am today, just the way I am tomorrow, as I continue on my journey and learn more and more new things about myself, as I evolve constantly, I’m okay. Kind of like… wherever you go, there you are. Whatever happens, whenever, wherever, it’s okay. I’m okay, whoever I am, whenever, wherever. I’m not who I thought I was, and that’s alright. I feel like I’m finding out, day by day, that I’m so much better than who I thought I was. So much more capable, so much stronger and just… better. Improved. Leveled up.
I have found a profound peace in painting. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, better than yoga, meditation… In my previous entry, I posted two paintings. The one called “Dots. . .” was… completely and utterly mindless. Random. Chaotic, yet immensely peaceful. My mind was just empty, one hand dipping a brush, the other turning the page around and around. I don’t even know which way was up. Or maybe there isn’t an “up.” Maybe it all just is.
I love who I am becoming. She’s someone that, were I to meet her by accident, I would probably want to get to know better.