Entries 26

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I know I haven’t been here in a long time. August 4th I will be having my 27yr horse horse laid to rest. I made the appointment 3 week’s ago. Unfortunately she can barely get up after laying d...

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Best Christmas in years. No big crowds just 5 of us Christmas eve. Christmas morning again just 5 of us. My brother left after breakfast he wanted to be at his house incase he lost power. I misse...

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I’m out in the mountains of new Hampshire for 15 days. Brought 2 horses with me. Eddie the 6 year old and twitch my 15 year old mare for my nephew to ride this weekend. For the last 3 1/2 years ...

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Took apart a lady razor and cut my ankle. Good thing it’s long pants and socks weather now.

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This day changed my life. I tried to kill myself 2 days earlier. But on this day I met someone who totally understand me. He was amazing. At the time knew me better than I knew myself. He had bee...

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I cut. The top of my wrist. Don’t want to kill myself at the moment. Knowing he will be close might change things in the next few weeks. I know my nephew is so excited to have his dad just mile...

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Wednesday night that is. My father is flying out tonight to go get him. I hate it. All the ptsd knowing he will be less than 10 miles away. He should stay where he is many states away. I didn’t ...

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He’s coming back to Maine in about a week. My dad is flying out renting a car getting the asshole and flying back to Maine with him. Thank God he’s not staying here mom won’t let that happen. U...

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Been thinking of my memere and pepere. And grandma and grandpa lately. I miss seeing them. Talking to them. Doesn’t help the one year anniversary of a friends suicide was the 15th. I wish she ha...

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Since my fall off the youngster I had been slowly getting better. Today I sneezed and it feels like I’m back at day one. It’s been 2 and A half weeks since coming off the baby horse. And the pain...

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So over the weekend another high school friend lost her battle with drugs. She overdosed on heroin at 34. The friend who hung her herself had a a public wake this week her sister a good friend s...

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regretting where I cut last.

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So I’m pissed. At some point between Monday night and Tuesday night someone stole a few things of mine here at the campground. It only adds up to 50 dollars but still. My stuff has been in the sa...

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A friend came down to florida to visit for 6 days. I hadn’t seen him in probably 10 years. I consider him a brother. Dropped him off at the airport this morning. It was great seeing him and hang...

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It was two years ago. I had so many friends. Read so many entries. Now I’m here. I haven’t been able to find half the friends I used to love. Things just arnt the same here. I miss OD every day. ...

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Haven’t writen in ages. Things are OK I guess. The depression comes and goes in waves. Lately I have had more good then bad days. Still drinking but trying to get out and ride the horses more. ...

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I have been dreading this day for a week or so. Friday marked the 2 year anniversary of my memere passing. We were very close and I don't do well with death mostly her and my peperes death. I...

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So I have had friends showing 2 of the horses this year. First is lil miss she just turned 2 on the 22nd she is being shown in hand by my best friend and they have been doing better then i exp...

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I have been sober for 1 week. I have managed to go to the store for things and not come home with vodka though I would really love to.

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After three days of having the urge to use salt ice I finally gave in I used it at about 6 o'clock tonight and then again at 8 o'clock and I feel so much better. It feels like a weight has been...

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September 19 2000. My first psych stay. I tried to kill myself. Spent a week at one hospital where I met Will. He had also tried to kill himself. He was so sweet and he helped me get out of my...

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Haven't had a drink since Friday. My nerves are on edge. Little things are pissing me off. Just people talking pisses me off. I want a drink so bad right now. I keep thinking about Will. This...

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I didn't use salt and ice last night. Went to bed feeling like shit. Woke up wanting to use. The feeling has stayed with me all day and the urge is just getting stronger. All this is because ...

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It's almost 9pm I have had a very quiet day. Didnt want to talk to anyone. Just had nothing good to say. Now I want to use salt and ice so bad. I want/need to feel the extreme pain. Cutting jus...

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Wednesday February 5th I lost my best friend. My great dane Cleo. I had a feeling things were coming to an end but didn't think it would be so fast. Started withe her having a seizure the day ...

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