The real me

Entries 64

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October 18, 2017

Hoping in Done drinking.

I am hoping OD comes back. I know it won’t be the same. But I have never felt like this was home like I did on OD. I don’t share like I did. I don’t have the friends I was so close to. I know if...


September 29, 2017

I miss you in Done drinking.

I miss you grabing my knee to make me laugh calling it an octopus kiss. I wish you got had gotten to meet my first horse skippy who has been in heaven with you for 7 years. I wish you could hav...


September 28, 2017

Drunk in Done drinking.

Can’t walk straight. Unfortunately won’t be able to visit the cemetery tomorrow.


September 28, 2017

Cemetery in Done drinking.

Don’t know if I can bring myself to go to the cemetery Friday. It will be 17 years since pepere died been drinking way to much to the point of not being sober for days at a time. I just keep go...


September 19, 2017

I cut in Pridesafiordilabbra

Took apart a lady razor and cut my ankle. Good thing it’s long pants and socks weather now.


September 19, 2017

9-19-2000 in Pridesafiordilabbra

This day changed my life. I tried to kill myself 2 days earlier. But on this day I met someone who totally understand me. He was amazing. At the time knew me better than I knew myself. He had bee...


July 21, 2017

Wrist in Done drinking.

My wrist is looking like shit. Blisters are starting to burst. Been wrapping it in an ace bandage saying I sprained my wrist. Unfortunately I want to do the same thing to my ankle.


July 21, 2017

Wrist in Done drinking.

My wrist is looking like shit. Blisters are starting to burst. Been wrapping it in an ace bandage saying I sprained my wrist. Unfortunately I want to do the same thing to my ankle.


July 19, 2017

Fuck in Done drinking.

My wrist is more messed up than I thought it would be. Blisters forming and oozing. Skin is so discolored. Using an ace bandage saying I sprained my wrist. The spot is about an inch and a half b...


Aresol can. To freeze the skin. You get the same result as salt and ice but much faster. Just fucked up the top of my wrist. Was not looking to SI but damn it felt good now the burn is setting ...


June 13, 2017

:( in Pridesafiordilabbra

I cut. The top of my wrist. Don’t want to kill myself at the moment. Knowing he will be close might change things in the next few weeks. I know my nephew is so excited to have his dad just mile...


Wednesday night that is. My father is flying out tonight to go get him. I hate it. All the ptsd knowing he will be less than 10 miles away. He should stay where he is many states away. I didn’t ...


He’s coming back to Maine in about a week. My dad is flying out renting a car getting the asshole and flying back to Maine with him. Thank God he’s not staying here mom won’t let that happen. U...


My oldest brother is coming back to Maine. There is a lot of shit that my mother knows about the destruction of my clothes shiting and pissing on them and hiding it around the basement. Stealing ...


April 09, 2017

Trigger in Done drinking.

I have been home 9 days now and have cut 3 of those days. Friday nights cutting was pretty bad. My leg looks like shit. Thankfully it’s cold and rainy here so easy to cover up. I want to cut ag...


April 06, 2017

9 days in Done drinking.

That’s how long I was sober. Unfortunately been drunk since Monday afternoon. Tonight ended up cutting the shit out of my ankle.


Haven’t had a drink in 2 days. Woke up with my hands and head shaking. I really need to be able to clean this cabin I only have 4 more days here.


March 20, 2017

Stressing in Done drinking.

I hate packing all my anxieties come out and I put it off to the last minute. I only have 10 days left here in Florida. Cleaning and loading all my stuff I have gathered in the last 4 months fre...


I love being in Florida for the winter. The last two winters have been great here. But after 4 months I’m ready to see my other horses and my dog again April 1st. Sucks that home is looking to ge...


March 11, 2017

Can't undo in Done drinking.

So I cut. Nothing major but it hasn’t helped. I want to cut deep. I don’t want to kill myself. If I had the right bandages I would cut my calf deep. I havent felt this kind of need in years. It’s...


March 11, 2017

Cutting trigger in Done drinking.

I want to cut so bad at the moment.


Missing all the people I have lost in my life. A post came up on FB who would you like to sit with that is no longer around. This is my response. Mr Stanley drowns. Was a neighbor when we lived...


March 01, 2017

Scars in Done drinking.

So one of my friends here in Florida finally asked about my scars on my arm. I’m not ashamed about them anymore. The new cuts are well hidden. And only people here know about them. I’m open to t...


Been thinking of my memere and pepere. And grandma and grandpa lately. I miss seeing them. Talking to them. Doesn’t help the one year anniversary of a friends suicide was the 15th. I wish she ha...


January 03, 2017

Reality sucks in Done drinking.

Just called my birth mother. We talk every once in a while. Usually never at night. She was clearly drunk. Though she could say the same about me. I try so hard to be sober I usually can make it...


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