Xanatos
Entries 252
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Maslentisa day 5 in Reiwa 6
In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor. March 2nd Julian Calendar Friday was another day. I woke up at a reasonable time, I said my prayers, I did my job, I got caught up things I hadn’t finished t...
Maslentisa day 4 in Reiwa 6
In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor. March 1st Julian Calendar I haven’t got much time for this entry. Work and such. I slept very poorly the night previous. Which was unfortunate. I was able t...
Maslentisa day 3 in Reiwa 6
In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor. February 29 Julian Calendar Yesterday, I believe that I mentioned that I woke up at around 3 AM. This meant that I was able to get a lot of things done, but ...
Maslentisa day 2 in Reiwa 6
In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor. February 28 Julian Calendar I woke up strangely and at a strange time. But that worked out very well, I think. That’s how I was able to write this entry. Ye...
Maslentisa day 1 in Reiwa 6
In the 6th year of the Reiwa Emperor. February 27 Julian Calendar Lately, I haven’t lived life as I know I should. A lot of my good deeds and my steps in the right direction are performative. Eve...
Articulation in 2021
In the old days, on Open Diary, I certainly complained about my parents enough. And rightly so. I was fifteen, and I suppose that this is the natural course of events for fifteen year olds. I ...
Time passes in strange ways, and suddenly it’s been almost a year. I left a job at a bad school in March of 2019. Two years on, and I’m still bothered by how much of it stuck with me. The spe...
An offhand remark in 2020
Anna mentioned, as our conversation finished, that I didn’t know how to be loved. It wasn’t an accusation, it was half joke, and half matter of fact. I think she’s right.
11/6 Graduate Presentation in 2020
When we ask the question, “What does a poem mean,” we are not asking a simple question. I believe that the analysis of a poem’s meaning needs to be viewed from three perspectives. Author’s inte...
I’ve always understood that David was an archetypical figure, even before I knew what that word meant. David was a type, a type that others were measured against, and who informed us of what thi...
Catching up in 2020
I’m slowly working my way out of this latest funk. A large part of getting myself out of my various pits is to force myself to do things that I know are good. Unfortunately, none of that can in...
Words were never the problem in 2020
From Open Diary to now, I’ve complained over and over that I didn’t have enough words. The words won’t come, and the like. Constant complaints in this regard. Meanwhile my throat is exhausted....
I’m on my second cup of coffee. Then I’ll start the tea. Maybe I’ll try sunlight. Maybe even a walk. My old vices aren’t enough to calm me down, and happiness seems to be just around some corn...
In which he considers legal action in 2019
So . . . at work . . . My boss worked me three fifty hour weeks in a row. He did this because he insisted that my contract stipulated that I work 22 days a month, and does not consider weekly h...
What we see in dreams in 2019
I’m lying on my couch, and I’ve got the laptop set up on what I could generously call my Ottoman. The screen is bright, and my eyes are sore. I won’t open them very often, if I can avoid it. T...
I find myself in a strange position. I’m actually sleeping. I’m sleeping well, and I’m sleeping regularly. In fact, by some standards, I may even be sleeping too much. This is not a problem t...
Chengdu of my Dreams in 2018
When I dream, I’m often back in Chengdu. So often, in fact, that the place has its own geography. I know my way, in some ways, around the city. A city which was based on real memories, and far...
The City I thought I'd find in 2018
I imagined a city, a city not too unlike a number of places I’ve been. Some places quiet and busy. Friendly. With lots of happy people walking as though they were weightless. Bouncing about w...
Performative Emotion in 2018
Alternate title: In which Courtney is firmly convinced that I have autism. I’ve never been quite sure how to “do” feelings. I’ve struggled with it for a long time. Ever since I was a child, I...
On Memory: An addendum to the aforementioned rage in 2018
I rather liked the last thing that I wrote. At least insofar as it seemed to stick mostly to one topic. A rarity for me. To avoid clutter, I’ve added this as a separate thing. I’m amazed at th...
Impotent Rage in 2018
The ol’ temptation has been beckoning again, and I’ll admit that when I think things over in a way that feels rational, suicide seems like the most logical option. As I discussed with Anna, I ha...
It’s rather frustrating that I cannot discuss my political beliefs without fear of adverse impact to my job. Especially when I’m talking about American politics in Japan. That having been said, ...
Literary Analysis of Life in 2018
I have a series of ideas floating about in my head. They all seem to be loosely connected, and maybe by articulating them, I’ll see something that runs between them. I’m not confident in these ...
Last Night in 2018
Last night, I had dinner with Hitomi. On a flimsy pretext, we went back to her place. While there, I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with her. That we could only really be friend...
Sitting here in 2018
I’m sitting on a mattress, on a filthy floor, in a rotting house, in an empty part of a dying city. And I’m coming to terms with just how difficult it is to express anything beyond the bare mini...
