Public

2014

by Xanatos

Entries 47

Page 1 of 2

June 23, 2015

Delay

Tonight I had a date. A date I’ve been looking forward to for nearly five years. Well, it was a second date, but do they really count without a kiss? At any rate, a lovely way to end a night. W...


December 28, 2014

Making it work

Simply put, a lot of human interaction comes down to a single question: Do we feel like making it work? If the answer is yes, then it will almost certainly work. If the answer is no, it will alm...


December 23, 2014

Memory

Amber has frequently complained that I don’t listen. She’s often criticized my inability to remember anything about what she tells me. I’ve often said that the difficulty is largely in how she ...


December 22, 2014

Listening

Amber says I’m bad at listening. I don’t remember the vast majority of what she tells me. I don’t remember names or places or things she’s said. I confess it, and, to that end, I’ve been worki...


December 19, 2014

What I've been up to

Gardening work finished in mid October, and since then I’ve been working selling beer growlers. It’s a pretty good job. Good hourly wage and way more in tips than anticipated. I like my boss a...


October 19, 2014

No idea

For the last few weeks, I find myself descending farther and farther down into my spiral. I was self indulgent in the lead up to Sherlock Holmes, and I got sick after. Well, that show closed a ...


September 09, 2014

Priorities

I told Amber, on July 1st, that she had until September 1st to make up her mind about me. I told her that for those two months, I would not enter into any other relationship and that she would b...


September 05, 2014

More of the same

I started Yoga on September 1st. As I said I would. It was a good feeling, and, I take it as a sign of good luck (just this once) that the month began on a Monday. It was rather nice to accompl...


August 25, 2014

Giving up

What do we give up to keep on going? I suppose that’s a tough thing. It’s harder for some than for others. For the people I generally care about, it’s hard to give up on just about anything. M...


August 24, 2014

Scripted Conversations

I think that one reason why solitude tends to be good for me is that I don't end up saying the same things over and over. The older I get, the more I realize that our subjective (often wrong) pe...


August 24, 2014

Friends my own age

The last real friend I made in America before leaving for China was Amber. That was in the winter of '08. I left for China in '10, so you get the idea. Since returning, and in the course of my...


August 23, 2014

2 Months

It's been just under two months since I wrote much of value here. Discounting the teaser earlier today. Even that wasn't much. It was more just an expression of a lot of feelings, but not a gr...


August 23, 2014

Empty

There's an emptiness that comes from Amber's final, definite, rejection "for now anyway." At the same time, it's wonderful and freeing.I wanted her. I wanted her as it's difficult to want a per...


As a note, the ending of the dream is a comment I made at the time of writing it down. It no longer applies. I do not know the exact date of this, but I would assume late March or April last. I...


July 10, 2014

Placeholder

There's not a great deal to report. There's a great deal to reflect on, but, at the moment, reflection is out of the question. Too tired, house is full of children, and an incredibly stressed m...


July 05, 2014

Long discussion

July first, something shocking happened. I talked to Amber. We talked a lot. I don't even remember how it started. I didn't sleep much that night. I've also been sick since. Stress. Simply...


June 29, 2014

Unsent E-mail

You say that I don't really care about you because you say that I don't understand you. You also say that we can be friends without being lovers. But these two positions don't add up. They can...


June 27, 2014

Wine

What is it about wine that is so conducive to writing? Who decided that, of all the alcohols, at the bottom of a glass of wine one would fine such inspiration? Perhaps because wine is at the he...


June 19, 2014

A working theory

I have a working theory for why I'm so down these days. Courtney seems to think it holds water. I'll record it here. I'm an extrovert. I love talking to people. I love dealing with people. I...


June 17, 2014

6/17/2014

I dreamed, in that strange place between sleep and awake, that I got two letters. Both from Rachael. One I read the whole text of. It was rather practical. The second one was heavy and firm w...


June 15, 2014

A Dream from May 4th

I had a dream that I was walking along Telegraph road to the old Starlight. I was me, but I was also me from years ago. Rachael was there. She was rejecting me again and again. She was talking ab...


June 14, 2014

6/14/2014

I have not written in the last few weeks. I have had no thoughts, no ideas, no observations worth recording. The bulk of my effort is dedicated to performing my daily duties, and I find that th...


May 23, 2014

Same and Different

One of the great tragedies in my life was losing Courtney at the same time as the theater. During a time when I was desperate for encouragement and guidance, when I needed help to understand a r...


May 23, 2014

Bothered

Courtney asked me something the other day. She asked me what I liked. To be honest, I didn't know how to answer. I'm not sure how to answer that. I've got fewer and fewer answers to things li...


Along the fields as we came by A year ago, my love and I, The aspen over stile and stone Was talking to itself alone. 'Oh who are these that kiss and pass? A country lover and his lass; Two l...


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