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1.) Name your band “Leonard Skinner” and have a song named “Reverb” to mess with That Guy at every goddamned song. 2.) I’M THE BEST… AROUND… SOMEHOW THINGS MANAGE TO KEEP ME DOWN 3.) Rest well, K...

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1.) A cuckold’s a guy who could have sex but gets off more on watching. An “MRA” is a disgusting sexist no woman would look at twice so he sits around on Reddit making fun of women and men with a...

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1.) Not sex, not graduation, not religious rite, the moment you realize the crust’s the best part of the bread is the day you are an adult. 2.) How do you fix a Zip drive? With a compression band...

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if there is any good news anymore if we are to look for silver linings in the cracks between the madness and the hate the corruption and the lies the persecution and hypocrisy here’s the go...

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1.) The next time someone mentions anal lube, ask them “you mean like lube for obsessively precise tasks?” 2.) It’s not that we were put specific places for a reason. It’s… here we are, wherever ...

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1.) Your Kidzbop covers of EDM will be called “Bounce House”. 2.) When two vloggers have a crossover, are they getting their youtubes tied? 3.) Pronounce the word “Douche” as one pronounces “Touc...

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1.) A flag with a snake in a gimp mask and the phrase “Please Tread On Me, I’m Into It”. 2.) It’s a dating service where you only match with Crispin Glover. It’s called Crispin Mingle. It’s less ...

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1.) The one upside to the airlines not giving us food anymore is that we’re at the end of hacky jokes about airplane food. 2.) If I could rap and people remembered Snow, a parody of “Informer” ab...

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1.) The hipster zombie refused to eat anyone from more than 100 miles away, a strident localvore. 2.) Has there already been a movie about a werewolf on the police force called Lobocop or am I th...

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1.) Here’s the thing, Trump isn’t confessing his crimes out of idiocy, it’s out of the belief no one will meaningfully challenge him. He’s a goddamn Bond villain. 2.) No one actually likes Vegemi...

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all us old guys on our laptops all you young kids on your phones all together in this cafe or some other writing into the Twitter box bitching about how much we feel alone look up look up ...

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1.) Whenever you hear an “alt-right” “MRA” “PUA” douche-nozzle call himself an “Alpha” imagine him as that dumb robot from Power Rangers. 2.) We are, like, a week away from Trump getting confused...

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1.) The Vapes of Wrath 2.) Zen and Artisanal Motorcycle Maintenance 3.) The Brothers Mumfordrozoff 4.) A Craft Brewery Grows In Brooklyn 5.) John Milton’s Paradise Gentrified 6.) Ironic Remembr...

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1.) When hipsters call their ware “small batch” do they realize that is also slang for “tiny sex parts”? 2.) When you’ve got one piece of pottery firing and a second waiting its turn, is that you...

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1.) Your album of Madonna EDM remixes will be called “Justify My Wub”. 2.) Only tonight did I realize how great a mash-up of Zep’s “Immigrant Song” and the Dr. Who theme would be. 3.) Salvador Da...

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1.) On a cosmic scale, all tattoos are temporary. 2.) Cobra’s hypnotist Dr. Mindbender is the evil twin to G.I. Joe’s marriage counselor Dr. Bindmender. 3.) All us old guys on our laptops/all you...

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1.) An alien studying our culture assumes that a marriage license is a license to hunt the married and hilarity ensues. 2.) A lesbian clown purchases a clone so she can eat herself silly. 3.) Pop...

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1.) My question about the teevee show GOTHAM is… when are they gonna finally get the ham? 2.) Don’t be too hard on the Kool-Aid Man, he’s been going through a lot of things lately. 3.) The Bluths...

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yes a million monkeys with a million typewriters would eventually write a Shakespeare folio but you’d need a million good editors to actually find it you’d need a million proofreaders to actua...

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Just because your prayers got answered doesn’t mean you’ll get the answer you were hoping for. Just because your wishes got granted doesn’t mean you’ll get they’ll turn out how you p...

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Twenty thousand years ago when I was a hunter-gatherer and this half-poodle half-something was a grey wolf at my side our neuroses made us alert and better hunters and kept us alive wh...

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1.) If you go to a disco in Krakow, are you Pole dancing? 2.) Twenty thousand years ago, when I was a hunter and this dog-thing was a grey wolf at my side, our neuroses made us alert and better h...

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1.) LinkedIn was just a scam by the resume-editing industry to make you feel bad about your resume. 2.) Yes, “Watchmen” predicted America and Russia unifying after a horrific fraud but our ending...

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1.) Compassion is the only thing. If you don’t see how helping each other is more important than avarice or ideology, I dunno what to tell you. 2.) Mumm-Ra always told me not to look into the Eye...

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1.) Your combination sandwich shoppe/fetish wear outlet will be called DOMS SUBS. 2.) Oh dentist, brace thyself. 3.) At some point, a person who makes custom shoes for celebrities got to say “The...

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