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Page 134 of 219

it’s not that people women or men or people outside of those categories or people who live in-between those categories it’s not that we’re attracted to assholes per se it’s that people tend...

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to lose touch with reality you must have first once had it if you were always afloat awash in a sea of privilege luxury yes-men comfort wealth if you never needed to know how much milk or b...

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Whenever I hear the phrase “Texas-Style Barbeque” I admit to imagining the meat being electrocuted in the tiniest most adorable individual chairs. I imagine the hot dog waiting for a call from ...

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words on a page like love letters are wonders to cherish and save but those words in performance? ah heavens that’s the hot date beside you next morning early after meeting up with yo...

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1.) Whenever I see The Intercept bitch about Trump, I want to grab them and shake them “You helped make this, you smug bastards!” 2.) I’m thick, therefore I am. 3.) This set of nightmares involve...

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1.) Whenever I hear the phrase “Texas-Style Barbeque” I admit to imagining the meat being electrocuted in tiny individual chairs. 2.) A horrifying combination of cheese and green tea called “matc...

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1.) Maybe the Gloversville petting zoo would be doing better if the main point of their billboards wasn’t “CASH ONLY, NO CREDIT OR DEBIT”. 2.) AGNOSTICS AREN’T SURE IF THEY DID IT AT ALL. 3.) In ...

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1.) Whenever I see a house with both an American flag and a Confederate flag out, I just wanna yell “PICK A SIDE” at them. 2.) Control internet message boards and chat rooms from time to time but...

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1.) Name your band “Leonard Skinner” and have a song named “Reverb” to mess with That Guy at every goddamned song. 2.) I’M THE BEST… AROUND… SOMEHOW THINGS MANAGE TO KEEP ME DOWN 3.) Rest well, K...

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1.) A cuckold’s a guy who could have sex but gets off more on watching. An “MRA” is a disgusting sexist no woman would look at twice so he sits around on Reddit making fun of women and men with a...

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1.) Not sex, not graduation, not religious rite, the moment you realize the crust’s the best part of the bread is the day you are an adult. 2.) How do you fix a Zip drive? With a compression band...

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if there is any good news anymore if we are to look for silver linings in the cracks between the madness and the hate the corruption and the lies the persecution and hypocrisy here’s the go...

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1.) The next time someone mentions anal lube, ask them “you mean like lube for obsessively precise tasks?” 2.) It’s not that we were put specific places for a reason. It’s… here we are, wherever ...

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1.) Your Kidzbop covers of EDM will be called “Bounce House”. 2.) When two vloggers have a crossover, are they getting their youtubes tied? 3.) Pronounce the word “Douche” as one pronounces “Touc...

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1.) A flag with a snake in a gimp mask and the phrase “Please Tread On Me, I’m Into It”. 2.) It’s a dating service where you only match with Crispin Glover. It’s called Crispin Mingle. It’s less ...

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1.) The one upside to the airlines not giving us food anymore is that we’re at the end of hacky jokes about airplane food. 2.) If I could rap and people remembered Snow, a parody of “Informer” ab...

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1.) The hipster zombie refused to eat anyone from more than 100 miles away, a strident localvore. 2.) Has there already been a movie about a werewolf on the police force called Lobocop or am I th...

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1.) Here’s the thing, Trump isn’t confessing his crimes out of idiocy, it’s out of the belief no one will meaningfully challenge him. He’s a goddamn Bond villain. 2.) No one actually likes Vegemi...

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all us old guys on our laptops all you young kids on your phones all together in this cafe or some other writing into the Twitter box bitching about how much we feel alone look up look up ...

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1.) Whenever you hear an “alt-right” “MRA” “PUA” douche-nozzle call himself an “Alpha” imagine him as that dumb robot from Power Rangers. 2.) We are, like, a week away from Trump getting confused...

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1.) The Vapes of Wrath 2.) Zen and Artisanal Motorcycle Maintenance 3.) The Brothers Mumfordrozoff 4.) A Craft Brewery Grows In Brooklyn 5.) John Milton’s Paradise Gentrified 6.) Ironic Remembr...

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1.) When hipsters call their ware “small batch” do they realize that is also slang for “tiny sex parts”? 2.) When you’ve got one piece of pottery firing and a second waiting its turn, is that you...

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1.) Your album of Madonna EDM remixes will be called “Justify My Wub”. 2.) Only tonight did I realize how great a mash-up of Zep’s “Immigrant Song” and the Dr. Who theme would be. 3.) Salvador Da...

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1.) On a cosmic scale, all tattoos are temporary. 2.) Cobra’s hypnotist Dr. Mindbender is the evil twin to G.I. Joe’s marriage counselor Dr. Bindmender. 3.) All us old guys on our laptops/all you...

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1.) An alien studying our culture assumes that a marriage license is a license to hunt the married and hilarity ensues. 2.) A lesbian clown purchases a clone so she can eat herself silly. 3.) Pop...

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