julyxi in idea barrages

1.) Your combination sandwich shoppe/fetish wear outlet will be called DOMS SUBS.

2.) Oh dentist, brace thyself.

3.) At some point, a person who makes custom shoes for celebrities got to say “These boots were made for Walken” and that’s great.

4.) I wonder if Marvel Studios has to pay Gwenyth Paltrow directly in vats of coconut-oil-infused kombucha tinctures.

5.) You could write the most incisive adroit statement in history but if you put emoji in it, it looks like a crayon drawing on a fridge.

6.) Y’know. If “he made his friends laugh and inspired some kids to love the weird arts” goes on my stone, that’s not a bad life.

7.) SMART STUPID IDEA: Write a bunch of indie video games about the hobo life and call it The Humble Bindle.

8.) I want an iPhone cover where, like, it’s Picard as a Borg but the camera space is his robot eye.

9.) When someone offers you Swiss Chard, look ‘em square in the eye and be like “then why aren’t there little holes in it?”

10.) Yes a million monkeys w/ a million typewriters would eventually write Shakespeare but you’d need a million good editors to actually find it.

11.) If you work your ass off saving up to buy a high-end stereo, are those motivational speakers?

12.) 83% of all facebook posts, summarized: NOT-PEOPLE DID A PEOPLE THING!

13.) The End in summary: if you’re born rich, you don’t have to be smart because you’re rich and then those idiots ruined everything.

14.) I actually prefer “overly literal” jokes to meta jokes. I want me a shirt that just says “Team Name” on it.

15.) Walk around in a pointy hat demanding answers to trivia questions yelling “I AM THE QUIZARD!” until you get arrested.

16.) Your line of vegan pork replacements will be called Hambiguity.

17.) That “My Woman In Tokyo” song and the BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD theme would probably mash-up really well.

18.) Anti-abortion psychos SAY they’re protecting a blot of cells, not stealing women’s rights, then they give rapists power over their victims.

19.) You know that the fake president is one of the worst humans on Earth when he can make CNN look like the good guys.

20.) When I’m stuck writing, I ask myself, what would my favourite authors do? Mark Twain would smoke a hundred dollar cigar then make a failed million dollar investment. Philip K Dick would do three rails of meth and declare himself the reincarnation of John the Baptist. Kurt Vonnegut would subvert expectation by “spoiling” the plot up-front so as to focus on character and theme. …yeah, Vonnegut’s probably the best play, generally.