Entries 5,476

Page 205 of 220

I took a look in the want ads, been unemployed for too long people needed to do things involving multiple dongs I didn’t know what the ad meant, I guess I’m boring in bed I went onto Yaho...

---

[HOOK:] I bought a latex mask you’re dressed like Polly Pocket I - I - I’m greeting some trick-or-treaters Halloween is awesome I walk into the party, like, “What up? I’m Mr. Spock!...

---

c-c-creature, stop this killing creature, can’t you see? it draws attention to your pool maybe you should just lay low and let your legend grow creature, show some pity for ...

---

can’t you feel it growin’… in your nose maybe it’s a symptom of the flu feelin’ crappy, feelin’ bad oh, we got to let the mucus flow what the people need is a good expectorant ...

---

you can’t convince me that we’re actually flying no not anymore we’re just in a tube we’re just on the floor we teleported from L.A. to Chicago four hours ago and they’re running paintings of cl...

---

hey there hipster lady can’t you at least date me ironically? you could tell your friends I’m so bad that I’m good when we go into your gentrified hood to drink Hi-C Ecto Cooler and e...

---

Spill coffee on your wallet. Spread your whole life out to dry. Consider all the ways you do and do not count. Bleach your paltry money in the sun. Read the tea leaves of your past in photograp...

---

like me subscribe me follow me share me favorite me retweet me justify me fulfill me appreciate me acknowledge me sanctify me resurrect me worship me possess me sacrifice me damn me bury ...

---

1.) Is there A Thing yet where rednecks post pictures of fish they threw back on Throwback Thursday? It would be slightly less dumb. 2.) When the nun took up chewing tobacco, she should’ve known ...

---

1.) It’s a teevee series about Sherlock and Watson finally getting married. It’s called “Hi Honey, I’m Holmes”. 2.) Vegetarianism for Dummies is a self-kelp book. 3.) I have to believe that if Pa...

---

1.) On their off-nights, Mr. Fantastic, Plastic-Man and the Elongated Man are all part of the Expandau Ballet. 2.) Nightmare where I was dying of a mysterious blood disorder but the hospital I wa...

---

1.) “Willful Absent-Mindedness” stuffing your head so full of facts you lose focus on the bad stuff isn’t the best approach but its an approach. 2.) The realization that if I were thin & weal...

---

1.) If your periodic table is not up to quality standards, send your complaints to the Better Bismuth Bureau. 2.) If they’re showing “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory” in coach, you KNOW they’...

---

find something you love and let it kill you not immediately of course preferably on lay-away stretch the thing out slow keep up the fight for sixty or seventy years but know eventually it will wi...

---

1.) They don’t call it “ritually inserting metal bearings into the skin of the penis”. They prefer “majazzeling”. 2.) I hope that when Moses gave them the Sundays-off commandment, he was all like...

---

1.) Gotta love a town where a traffic update on the radio at one in the morning is a totally reasonable thing. 2.) This round of nightmares was about being forced into grad school then getting th...

---

1.) Ought start a movie-riffing team. Call ourselves the B-Keepers. 2.) mash-up: MR. BIG STUFF vs WALK ON THE WILD SIDE 3.) mash-up: YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET vs SWEET JANE 4.) If you say “emmy ...

---

1.) Look, I am a weirdo who’s been shattered & put back together w/ glue 3 or 4 times now & I am also awesome, okay? Both will always be true. 2.) It’s a sequel to THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHAT...

---

you say "wow, a talking bag"but you'll find out that I'm not that baddon't worry, I'm Flappywhen it seems like nothing's looking upI'll be there with Snack-Pack pudding cupsdon't worry, I'm Flapp...

---

1.) On Arrakis, Dune, the desert planet, the hashtag is #thirstworldproblems. 2.) For example: oh no, we've got worm sign! #thirstworldproblems 3.) Or: the messiah's little sister is going all Ev...

---

1.) You KNOW there's been a new Star Trek/Torchwood crossover slash-fic called STAR TREK: INTO HARKNESS. 2.) The great thing about well-done sci-fi is that it can all flow from one pinpoint "what...

---

1.) Macklemore didn't wash one of his thrift store finds and now he's got vanilla lice. 2.) You know there's a MASH slash-fic called "Under The Radar" somewhere. 3.) I am so happy that there is a...

---

1.) Did you tell your hot sister about me? Or are you waiting for me to get my life together & scoop me up then? That's very selfish of you. 2.) "What sort of nefarious rock would actually be...

---

why you tryin' to break outta this prison? don't you know it's Shawshank? so first, being in jail is the worstcan't you understand this was not his plan, goddamnnear everyone in the cansays ...

---

1.) Other Sesame Street characters never considered that Elmo might be an adult monster who is really really high. But I have. 2.) I'm a white-hat lifehacker. I mean, I'm not, but I love the idea...

---