Icklewriter ⋅
UK citizen now living in Portugal. Bookworm, Pianist, Yoga instructor, new doggie-mum, married to 3rd and final husband, renovating a monster house in the middle of a pandemic, and trying to stay alive.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Entries 61
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Well, I have really struggled over the past 3 weeks with this stand-off with my kids, but have absolutely refused to back down or budge on it. My daughter hasn’t reacted one way or the other, wh...
Standing firm, and watching the drama from a distance in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I have had the most amazing weekend with Paul. He’s solid as a rock, totally with me about all this nonsense with my kids, and just completely calm about everything. He manages to support me wi...
Carnage in Juggling with Hedgehogs
It’s been a truly awful week. It started out nicely enough. I went, as usual, to Hana’s flat on Monday night for our regular film night. The film night started roughly when my marriage ended, a...
Just getting it all out in Juggling with Hedgehogs
This entry is probably going to be a mish-mash of the crap in my head, and it might cause confusion, in which case, I apologise, but I’ve reached the conclusion that the best way to deal with all...
Confession time in Juggling with Hedgehogs
Shit, this is awful. I can only talk about it here, I can’t speak to anyone that I know because it’s so shameful and I feel really bad about it, but I can’t help myself, and I think I’m going to...
A small rant in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I really don’t know why I have to do this, but I know that if I don’t, I’ll be tempted to say something - probably the wrong thing - to the wrong person, and cause a big argument for no gain what...
An actual picture of us in Juggling with Hedgehogs
Possibly vomit-inducing in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I have to write here, because this stuff needs to come out, but I don’t want to make all my friends in the real world, or on facebook throw up in my face. There’s something about people being re...
Happier than I've ever been in Juggling with Hedgehogs
The last entry I wrote here was June 6th. I suppose I owe you some sort of information about how things have been going. I guess the title of this entry should give some sort of clue, but that'...
You won't believe this. I hardly do myself. in Juggling with Hedgehogs
It's only about 9 days since I wrote an entry in which I said I cry every day, that I can't see a way out of the hell, that all the men chasing me had been told I didn't want a relationship etc. ...
Update in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I don't know where to start really. The last time I wrote it was just after that dream. The dream put me into the worst phase of the depression and I became suicidal again. My lowest day was t...
No better really in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I suppose the fact I'm still here is some kind of victory, but it doesn't feel that way to me. My closest family and friends are suffering from compassion fatigue. The people I need the most ar...
The state of the union in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I've been writing private entries for a while, getting it all out, sorting through everything, trying to get my head on straight, but I need to say a few things in public, because first and forem...
Adjusting in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I've had a horrible up and down few days, but my doctor has adjusted my medication (doubled it, basically) and it's made an astonishing difference. I feel much calmer, I'm thinking more clearly,...
A much better day in Juggling with Hedgehogs
Since sending the email, and receiving his reply agreeing to all my terms, I've felt a sense of peace. I've had a long chat with my son, who now is starting to see things a little more from my s...
Asking him to leave in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I've sent him an email. It's my fail-safe method of communication when I'm so angry I can barely speak. I've asked him to first of all move out of our bedroom and into my daughter's old room. ...
Practicalities in Juggling with Hedgehogs
My friends have all been telling me to boot him out, change the locks, get on to the divorce lawyers and get on with my life. It's easy for them to say all that, they're not me, they don't feel ...
Angry/sad/irritated in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I'm not sure whether I'm doing this on purpose to make the pain easier, or if he genuinely is starting to irritate me because I'm so angry with him, but either way it's made me less tearful. I'v...
New meds in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I saw my doc this morning and he's put me on some new tablets - Venlalic XL 37.5mg, which he says will help me to feel calmer. They do have similar side-effects to the citalopram, so I've warned...
Another blip in Juggling with Hedgehogs
Suicidal thoughts again yesterday - and I had the best opportunity to deal with that, as I was here on my own for hours, and could have just run a bath and found something sharp. I started think...
Mental health in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I don't like those two words juxtaposed. I think there's a stigma attached to anything related to mental health, whether that's a bout of depression or full-blown paranoid schizophrenia. Mental...
OK day, bad day in Juggling with Hedgehogs
The title of this originally had the word good in it, but that's a bit strong. I have days when I'm almost OK, and days when I just want to disappear forever. But it's important to document it....
Welcome to hell in Juggling with Hedgehogs
I don't even know where to begin. What a week it's been. I got prescribed some anti-depressants when I visited the doctor, and they had entirely the wrong effect. Such that by Wednesday, I was...
Over, done with, gone in Juggling with Hedgehogs
Rather than hang about hoping my husband will see sense, and try to work things out with me (he won't, all his language, including his body language, says there's no way), I've called it quits to...
I honestly never thought I would write an entry like this one. I don't want to write it, but I know if I don't, I will have nothing to come back to later for perspective, insight and all of thos...
