Confession time in Juggling with Hedgehogs

Shit, this is awful. I can only talk about it here, I can’t speak to anyone that I know because it’s so shameful and I feel really bad about it, but I can’t help myself, and I think I’m going to have to seek help at some point.

I discovered this morning that I still have access to my husband’s calendar. I can see everything he’s done since he left me and everything he’s doing for at least the next 12 months. I’ve been obsessively scrolling through it all morning, noting where he’s seeing HER (at least twice a week, alternate Saturdays and every Tuesday plus a few Sundays, and there have been a few weekends away) and so on. I know where he’s living now but he doesn’t know I know, but NOW I know when he moved in there. I know so much about him that he doesn’t know I know, and it’s both delicious and horrible. I really shouldn’t be looking, should I? I mean, it’s like reading your teenaged child’s diary! And it’s only going to fuck me up in the long run, I know this.

It’s a karma thing, isn’t it? I’ve already found something out that’s annoyed me and it shouldn’t annoy me and wouldn’t if I didn’t know about it! Paul and I had dinner with a couple who are old friends of mine (and my husband’s) early in November. I discovered today while feverishly trawling through my ex’s calendar, that he also had dinner with them, about 3 weeks after Paul and I did. Which made me wonder if they had disclosed anything to him about what I had said about him, or told him what they think of Paul (I hope they did because there’s nothing not to like about him anyway and he’s a massive step up from my husband). But do you see how I’m thinking here? This is wrong, wrong, wrong. But can I stop? Can I hell.

This couple - we were very close friends. We used to go out a lot as a foursome. We used to do fancy dress for the company Christmas do every year. Every year we would get more outrageous - one year, we went as ABBA, another year, we went as KISS. What was funny about it was that the company Christmas do wasn’t a fancy dress thing. People got dressed up in all their finery and the 4 of us would turn up dressed in ridiculous costumes, not giving a flying fig what anybody thought, and everyone loved it. We had a lot of good times. So it’s odd for them that I’m no longer with my husband. And they’ve been fine about me and Paul (no choice really), and there is no reason why they shouldn’t remain friends with my husband, but they never saw him BEFORE (in fact, they didn’t see me either), so it seems a bit weird that they had dinner with him 3 weeks after having dinner with me and my new man. You see how I’m thinking here? This is so wrong. I shouldn’t know or CARE what he’s doing with his life.

I had a major wobble last night. I talked to my friend Kate about it, because she and her boyfriend broke up at the same time as my marriage ended and we kind of went through all the same stages together. She still has nights when she cries about him, even though she’s with a new man who is SO much better for her. I don’t cry about my husband, but I do still have days when I miss him. Not that I want him back (Paul is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me) but I do miss the in-jokes and the easy communication that only comes from being with someone for a very long time. I miss being able to run things by him, even knowing what he will say, the reassurance of saying ‘what do you think about me doing this’ and him going ‘sounds like a plan to me’. I run things by Paul, and he’s always always ALWAYS supportive and loving in the same way my husband was, but we’re still brand new. We’ve only been together 6 months, so that comfy old pair of slippers feeling isn’t there yet - actually I don’t want that, I enjoy the excitement of the relationship being new and fabulous. But relationships go through all kinds of stages, don’t they? And I suppose we’ll reach that point eventually, if we stay together - and right now I see no reason why we wouldn’t. All the same, I contacted Kate and I talked it all through with her, and she got it. And then today, as I’m checking my calendar for upcoming events and adding something to it, I see down the bottom HIS name. And I click on it, and up pops up all his engagements for the past year and the following year. So I went back, and I looked at what he’s been getting up to, and HER initials are everywhere. And he has a weekend away in London booked for Valentines weekend next year…

This is bad. Very bad. I shouldn’t be looking. I shouldn’t know stuff I can’t know other than by snooping.

But tell me honestly that you wouldn’t look if it were you. Tell me honestly that if your soon-to-be-ex was telling you they weren’t having an affair and you could look at their diary that you wouldn’t look. And I’ll call you a liar.

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying it’s very very wrong.

And I’m still doing it.

I can’t tell anyone. I can’t talk to anyone that knows him about this. I feel grubby. But I’m still going to look. It’ll drive me bonkers, and eventually I’ll build up the guts to delete that calendar completely. Right now, I just can’t.