Another blip in Juggling with Hedgehogs

Suicidal thoughts again yesterday - and I had the best opportunity to deal with that, as I was here on my own for hours, and could have just run a bath and found something sharp. I started thinking about doing that, so I called the Samaritans. Spoke to a lovely lady whose first name was the same as mine. She was very kind, very caring, a very good listener (it's their job to be), and very patient, but of course, she could offer no solutions, could only recognise that I have several major problems on my hands, and told me I could call any time.

So that was nice.

I called my other Samaritan friend, and I spoke at length with my sister, who feels I should be in a safe unit being guarded for about 72 hours. I can think of nothing worse. My Samaritan friend felt that I should certainly consider it, and offered to drive down this afternoon and take me to a facility he knows - but having spoken to my daughter, it turns out the mother of the guy she used to be engaged to (the one that caused us major family problems 4 years ago) works there. So that's a total no from me.

My son came home and spoke to me - a little more kindly than previously - and then, because his social life is far more important than his mother's life, he went out camping! Leaving his sister quite literally holding the baby. Which is what I had pretty much turned into yesterday. I just couldn't stop crying, and she sat with me until I calmed down, and agreed to just go to bed and try to get some sleep.

I did sleep, a little bit, but it's very early now, and I'm up and back sitting in my little corner of the lounge, curled up into a ball and wishing for it all to go away.

I can't cope. That's the bottom line. I can't cope with any of this. I've dealt with so many tough things in the past, but that's because I always had him standing by my side, giving me that strength and saying 'I'm here, do what you have to do'. Now? I have nobody. Nobody with that investment anyway. All my friends and family have lives of their own, concerns of their own, ambitions, hopes, dreams, partnerships, jobs, children, bills to pay, health issues etc. They can focus on me for an emergency half hour here or there, but ongoing? Not possible. I can give them all the slip very easily and if I choose to say goodbye to this world, there's nothing anyone can do about that.

I've had the 'it's selfish' speeches until I'm blue in the face. I know it's selfish. I don't care. That's actually the point. This would be the only selfish act I've ever done in my life, and it would be the last one. Worrying about the feelings of others just compounds the agony. Guilt doesn't help either. Guilt just forces the issue even more. I'm rubbish, my life is rubbish, it's not going to get any better, I'm overwhelmed, just ONE of the problems I'm currently facing would be enough to put most people on their knees, but I have too many and I'm just one small person, and I'm old and I'm tired. I just don't want to do any of it any more.