Welcome to hell in Juggling with Hedgehogs

I don't even know where to begin. What a week it's been. I got prescribed some anti-depressants when I visited the doctor, and they had entirely the wrong effect. Such that by Wednesday, I was at Beachy Head, intending to throw myself off the cliff. At the time, it seemed to make perfect sense. I had been picking up 'signs' the whole morning - songs on the radio, all kinds of things - that seemed to be sending me that way, so I went there, and then the signs started to swap around. I put my money in the machine for the carpark (why would I pay for the carpark if I was going to end my life anyway?), and the money fell out. It took 3 attempts to get the machine to work. I remember putting the ticket in the car, and getting my camera so I could look like a 'normal' tourist, and then I saw a plaque that talked about death and life and peace, and I took that as a sign to go through with it, so I kept on going.

But by the time I got to the cliff edge, 3 or 4 coachloads of German students had arrived. The place was swarming with loud, obnoxious teenagers, and then I just had to pretend to be normal and wait for them to go. But they didn't go, they just kept coming. Hordes of them.

I sat down on the cliff edge, and considered shuffling myself over, so I could just sit there and wait for them go and then drop off, but two of them sat down next to me. I was so annoyed!

After a while, I decided I would try to call my dad and if he answered, I'd consider that a sign that today was not the right day for this. But I had no signal on the cliff edge.

So I walked away from the cliff edge and found a bench. I sat there for a long time just gazing at the sky and the scenery around me before calling my dad. And he answered. I told him my marriage was over, and that I would probably have to come and live with him. He was overjoyed. And that was that, I went back to the carpark and I called my Samaritan friend and told him where I was and what I'd been doing. He called the police, and they came out and found me and escorted me part of the way home. The whole thing was surreal.

But I now realise it was the drugs.

My son was worse than useless. When I spoke to him about where I'd been and why, he got very angry with me and stormed out. He basically blamed the entire marriage breakup on me (helpful!) and compounded my husband's view that I'm quite the evil bitch. I'm baffled by all of it and can't see what it is I'm supposed to have done to bring this on myself, but apparently, I have.

I saw my doctor and got my prescription changed. Also got registered with the Crisis team, for some 'mental health support' but my friends were basically tag-team watching me for about 48 hours after that, and I haven't been left alone at all. I was on Saturday, and I went back there again - this time to Birling Gap, which is the other side of Beachy Head. Not as many people, much easier to drop off from, but I didn't go anywhere near the edge this time, I just took photographs and headed back home.

A friend had called me and invited me round, and when I visited her, she gave me some information I hadn't known before. It served to put me more in an angry place than a pathetic ditched wife place, and getting angry helped me to stop feeling suicidal.

I've been in that angry place ever since, and today there have been more discussions. Plus I've been to find out my rights divorce-wise. None of it is going to be easy or inexpensive. I don't know how I'm going to get through any of it. I've been feeling lonely for a very long time, but this is a new type of loneliness that I suppose I'm just going to have to get used to.

I at least found out who my friends are - and who my friends are NOT.