OK day, bad day in Juggling with Hedgehogs

The title of this originally had the word good in it, but that's a bit strong. I have days when I'm almost OK, and days when I just want to disappear forever. But it's important to document it. One thing I know about myself is that if I allow anger and bitterness to get hold of me, the direction of that anger towards other people only hurts me more than them. This is the destructive nature of negative emotions generally, but whilst we're hurting, it's what we human beings tend to do.

I've been reading an amazing book called Happy This Year - possibly an odd thing to do in the midst of a terminal marital crisis, but I think this book has helped me more than I might want to admit. In the past, when dealing with tough times, I have always written a lot. That seems to have reduced considerably in recent years, and I think that's a mistake. It's good to write out the bad feelings, get them out and leave them somewhere where they don't fester in the dark inner reaches of the mind and heart.

Fundamentally, I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't like that he has hurt me, but you don't get to a situation like this without fault on both sides. So we have to shoulder equal amounts of blame. The method in which he's done what he's done - well that's another matter, and it's not easy to forgive, but it's what I have to do.

I love him, and I want him to be happy. There is nothing to be gained from wishing for another human being's UNhappiness just because they have caused your own. My unhappiness, I hope anyway, is temporary. My happiness is in my own hands. What I do with my life, the people I interact with, the friends I reach out to, the enemies I detach from, all of it is in my control. I can't control him, or what he's feeling, or the actions he decides to take. All I can do is try to be happy, and hope that he will be happy too, when he finally decides what shape his own life should take.

Whether I will feel this way tomorrow is of course another matter - hence the title of this entry. But the book is certainly helping me to realise that positive energy is always better than negative energy, even in the midst of a crisis of these proportions. I know I deserve to be treated better - and the only way I can ensure that I am, is to behave better.

I have an appointment with the Crisis team today. They are going to assess my mental health, figure out whether I need support or not, and report back to my doctor. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and then (and this may surprise you), I'm having a day out with my husband. We're taking our cameras somewhere pretty and we're going to take photographs. It's something we both enjoy doing, so this is what we've planned to do. It's not an attempt to reconnect, just something to do to try to relax and drain away some of the stress.

I'd be lying if I said I felt calmer today - I don't. I just find it easier to live without tension and drama. I'm sure there will be plenty of that up ahead, but that is also something I can't control, so don't wish to waste time anticipating.

One day at a time. Today I intend to try to be happy - and if I only manage one minute of happiness, it's one minute more than yesterday.