Carnage in Juggling with Hedgehogs

It’s been a truly awful week. It started out nicely enough. I went, as usual, to Hana’s flat on Monday night for our regular film night. The film night started roughly when my marriage ended, as a means of us getting together regularly once a week for a girlie chat and a bit of fun. At the time, Game of Thrones was airing, and we looked forward to our weekly night in. I was off work sick then, so I could stay late with her, and we talked a lot about my marriage, what went wrong, what we thought was going on in my ex’s head and so on. At the time, I was still reeling from the fact that I had nothing to get hold of. He insisted there wasn’t another woman, that he had just fallen out of love with me, and that it was due to a series of things that had built up over time and just eroded his feelings. And I bought that. Hook, line and sinker, I bought it, and I analysed myself to hell and back, and when I couldn’t figure any of it out sufficiently, I decided I was a worthless human being and took myself to Beachy Head to chuck myself off and stop being a burden to everyone.

As we all know, I didn’t actually jump off the cliff, because a couple of coach-loads of German students turned up and I couldn’t do that in front of teenagers, and after that, I got a lot of support from friends, and eventually came through it. Deeply wounded, very fragile, incapable of trusting anyone, gainsaying myself at every turn, but still alive.

Fast forward to now, when I am with a lovely man, my home is cleaner and tidier than it’s ever been (far from perfect, but getting there), and I have quite a comfortable routine, and the Monday night film night with Hana continues.

I went over there on Monday, and as I knew she was supposed to be seeing my ex on the Saturday night, I asked her how that went. Now, bear in mind, he had told me that ‘he’ was seeing her that night, and she had told me she was going to ‘his’ flat. So imagine my surprise when Hana said ‘oh yes, they’ve got the flat in much better shape now, it’s not stinky any more’. ‘They?’

‘Yes, him and Caroline’.

‘So they are living together then?’

‘Well of course. And her boys hate him now, and so does her husband, and he spent Christmas day alone, and it’s hard for them both because they’ve lost everything.’

And I blinked.

She then went on to tell me that they’ve been attending social events as a couple for ‘months’ - which was apparently very awkward for her.

She hadn’t said a word to me.

Now. I know none of this could have been changed, and I wouldn’t want it to. What he does, and who he does it with is immaterial to me. But what DOES matter is the deceit, the lying, the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark, when this knowledge would have helped me to heal faster.

I pointed this out to her, and she said ‘well it wasn’t my information to impart, was it?’

‘I’M YOUR MUM!’

She just didn’t get it. Honestly, everyone I’ve spoken to about this has been completely flabbergasted by the lack of support, the betrayal and the misplaced loyalty. I was so hurt I could barely breathe. I continued the evening with her, in a kind of mild shock. Politely gave her a hug and said goodbye and walked out of there thinking that was probably the last time I would ever see her. It most probably was.

The next day, after having had a sleepless night, I called Ryan to talk to him about it. Stupid of me. I was actually crying, and I asked him to please be kind, and compassionate, because I was upset. I explained to him about the fact that Hana was now socialising with her step-dad and his ‘very good friend’ (which is how she had been described to me relentlessly every time we talked about her!) who he lived with, and how betrayed I felt by the fact that Hana seemed to think we should all feel sympathy for the mess they’ve made of their lives. I told him that had my ex been honest from the get-go, I might not have nearly ended up in lots of pieces at the bottom of Beachy Head! I told him I felt so betrayed by Hana because she knew that they’d been an item the whole time, so had clearly colluded with them in keeping me in the dark - whether that was for my own benefit in her eyes, I really don’t know, but it’s still a bloody betrayal and I was deeply hurt by it and didn’t know who I could trust any more.

His response? ‘Stop raking up the past and be happy with what you have, what’s the point in going over all that stuff all the time? You weren’t exactly blameless anyway, and it’s done now, so who cares?’

Words to that effect.

I just hung up.

A little later, he texted me asking to speak to me later that night and I replied saying that subject was closed, I didn’t ever want to expose myself to that again. If that was him being ‘kind and compassionate’ heaven help me if he decided to be a git!

I just shut down, and I talked to a close friend about it who knows both my children, and she was so shocked she cancelled her plans for the evening so I could go to her house and talk to her. I did that, and she just totally backed me up, told me my kids were so way off the mark in terms of loyalty it was almost laughable (except for how much it was hurting me) and that I should just give myself a little while to regroup and then tell them both how I was feeling.

So that was Tuesday. On Wednesday, I saw Paul, and he helped me by basically backing me up, agreeing with me that they were completely in the wrong and should be more loyal to me, particularly considering how much I’ve done for them. He just supported me completely, which was a comfort.

Last night, I invited another friend round, and oddly, she had a similar tale to tell me. Her relationship broke up a few weeks after mine did, and she has recently found out her partner is with someone - and again, she believes she has been with this person the whole time. She knew exactly how I was feeling and was likewise completely floored by my kids’ attitude. While she was there, my son called and I rejected his call. Then he turned up at the house. He let himself in (I’m changing the locks so he can’t do that any more) and then saw I had a friend with me and left.

About half an hour later, he had posted a Facebook rant about me. Basically, psychoanalysing me, calling me pathetic because I was ‘weak’ because I suffered from depression, that he thought depression was something only people with ‘easy’ lives suffered from and all kinds of vileness. My daughter immediately responded AGREEING WITH HIM!

That was it. I just sent them both one text message telling them I was done with them both. That they could psychoanalyse me for the rest of their selfish ungrateful lives, but I wouldn’t be a part of theirs any more.

One of my friends posted me some of the messages that went up on my son’s page. Some people telling him he was cruel and wrong, and more responses from my daughter that were a little kinder. At one point, he actually told the people responding that he was talking about his mother. I was mortified!

He responded to my text message in typically angry fashion and then he sent me an apology via Facebook messenger after talking to someone who suffers from depression. I refused to accept his apology because it was couched in his usual ‘sorry but’ language and I was way past ‘sorry but’ at that stage. I told him he was toxic to me, and we had the biggest argument of our lives and that was that.

Hana didn’t respond at all, which I expected.

The strange thing is, as major as this is, the only thing I feel is relief. I’ve realised that they have both just done nothing but take, and drain me of everything for years. They give nothing back, not even their time and their attention. When I was at Hana’s on Monday night I felt like I could have been a cardboard cut-out for all the attention she gave me. She just talked AT me. I don’t need that in my life. I’m trying to rebuild and I need people who have my back, who I can trust, not disloyalty of that magnitude.

Honestly shocked at how little I feel. I don’t miss them, I just feel light and free. I guess this may change over time, I don’t know, but I can do without the drama, and I think it’s easier for me to make the choice of whose side Hana is on than demanding that she does it. I would always have encouraged her to continue her relationship with her step-dad, but knowing she’s happy to accept that woman into her life after all those two put me through is too much for me, so I’ve made her decision for her. She will find out in time who really matters. But she’s just as stubborn as I am, so I think I’ve said goodbye forever.

Last updated January 09, 2015