Small chink in one corner, locked and barred fortress in the other in Juggling with Hedgehogs

Well, I have really struggled over the past 3 weeks with this stand-off with my kids, but have absolutely refused to back down or budge on it. My daughter hasn’t reacted one way or the other, which tells me a LOT. My son at least tried to talk to me at the time, and sent an abject apology for what he said on Facebook (which I was too angry to address at the time, but have since felt guilty enough to accept by text message). His response to my text message was typically snappy, so I left it a week and sent him another message just saying that I appreciated that he did at least try, and that I felt I should have the good grace to acknowledge that he had seen where he was going wrong. I didn’t ask him to meet up, or chat on the phone or anything like that, but he came straight back and said it would have been better if I had. I told him I just wanted to let him know that his attempt to fix things before they got too bad was appreciated, and to leave it at that. He replied that he was still upset but that he wanted to chat - just not yet.

So with him, I think things will eventually cool and maybe heal a little. But there will be new terms, because there is absolutely no way I’m going to allow him to speak to me the way he did, and there’s no way I’m going to continue to carry him financially. What I want from my kids is respect. I more than deserve it, and it’s my own fault that they seem to think it’s OK to trample all over me, ignore me, only contact me when they want something, wipe their feet on me and slam the door in my face when other areas of life seem more interesting. Fuck. That.

So my daughter has merely continued with her life as if nothing happened. I know her. I know this is all a front, and she’s probably in turmoil inside, but she won’t admit it, won’t approach me, won’t even ask me what the hell happened and why I’ve turned so cold on her and her brother. She will play the long game. She will do the ‘I’ll show HER’ routine. And I suspect she’s in for a shock, because doting mother, the woman who would walk over hot coals for her isn’t budging an inch either. I’m 100% in the right on this, and my friends have all told me the same. One or two of them have said I might regret this if something were to happen to her, but you know what? Something could happen to me couldn’t it? And has she considered that?

I spent the weekend with Paul (again, an AMAZING weekend) and he has fitted my new cooker in for me. That wasn’t an easy job, because the old cooker was smaller than the new one, so the work surface had to be cut back, and a cupboard had to be re-sized, and the original electric wiring had to be found and tested and so forth. Not only that, but the extractor fan above the old cooker was so greasy and disgusting that it took me an entire day to steam it clean. Absolutely vile. But the old cooker, the last remnant of my husband’s insidious presence in my house is now outside awaiting collection from the council. All that’s left now is for him to come and get the rest of his shite out of the garage. I’m going to give him ONE day in which to do it and anything he can’t get he will have to leave, because he won’t be welcome here after that. We have to meet one final time to do the Clean Break agreement for the divorce (it’s an online form and we will have to actually sit together to go through it, unfortunately) but I’m going to try to arrange that he combines that visit with clearing the garage so it’s done in one hit and I’ll never have to lay eyes on him again.

Through all of this, Paul has been amazing. He hasn’t judged me in the slightest (which frankly I would expect to some extent. I’m a mother, and a human being and my children are also human beings, but he’s been steadfast in his view that they should respect me and I should have their total backing with regard to the cheating ex). I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket, or expecting him to ‘save’ me or ‘protect’ me or any of that. If anything, he’s helping me to stand on my own feet, be my own person and cope better with my time when I’m alone - alone without feeling lonely is quite tricky when you’re used to being surrounded by a family who rely on you all the time. I’m finding that I have way more time to do the things I enjoy, and after a couple of weeks of wobbling, I’m finding that actually I don’t need my kids. They might not need me either, but if that’s the case, then I’ve done a better job than I thought I had.

If either of them think for a moment that I’ve stopped loving them, they’re idiots. But I have stopped liking them. I told my son that quite bluntly, and this is probably why he’s feeling so wounded. But he deserved every word of what I said to him - and more besides. If he doesn’t realise that, then it’s going to be a very long separation.

Last updated January 26, 2015