Happier than I've ever been in Juggling with Hedgehogs

The last entry I wrote here was June 6th. I suppose I owe you some sort of information about how things have been going. I guess the title of this entry should give some sort of clue, but that's not enough really is it?

OK, so the long story is as follows:

I have a friend who runs a noodle stall in the centre of town. I met him at a gig where my daughter was singing a little guest spot with the guitarist and singer. The guitarist's friend was the noodle guy, and he did a 'performance' with the guitarist that involved holding up cards with the lyrics to the song on them and flinging them on the floor (I guess you had to be there, it's a song with a shedload of very fast lyrics and it's a visually entertaining thing, so I suppose I'll leave it at that!). Anyway, my daughter and I got chatting to the noodle guy, and whenever we were in town, we would call by his stall and talk to him and he was always lovely. We stayed in touch with him on Facebook, and his quirky sense of humour is highly entertaining. He would occasionally come to my daughter's gigs, and over time, he became a good friend.

A year or so ago, maybe less, I had a friend request on Facebook from someone calling himself Rufus McDoodle. I thought it was the noodle guy using a different name, because he was a mutual friend, so I accepted the friend request and that was that. Rufus McDoodle would occasionally comment on my posts, I would occasionally comment on his, and over time I realised we had a similar outlook on things, and a similar sense of humour. And it didn't take me long to realise he wasn't the noodle guy, he was just someone who knew the noodle guy. I took a look at his pictures, thought he was good-looking and considerably younger than me, and that was the extent of my interest.

During the marriage breakup, I wasn't sleeping (or eating, or dressing for that matter), and just sat up most nights watching TV and playing around on the internet. More often than not, Rufus would pop up on chat and ask me how I was, and I would talk to him about how I was feeling, how crap it all was, how I was suicidal and couldn't really see a way out of it, and he listened and supported, always seemed to know the exact right thing to say, and just kept me going through the nights. It turned out, he suffered from insomnia too, and had a 26 hour body cycle, that meant that every now and again he would kind of meet himself coming back. His nights were generally long and lonely, and during one of our late night chats, he asked me if I played Canasta. I told him it was a card game I'd always wanted to learn, but never had.

So he invited me over to his house to learn to play. He said he'd make me a meal - and that I didn't have to eat any of it (I had absolutely NO appetite at the time), and we could just chat the way we normally did, but face to face for a change. He loved to cook and it would give him the opportunity. Living alone, he hardly ever bothered. So I agreed (he insisted I told people close to me where I was going so I would feel safe!) and off I toddled to his house one Wednesday evening in May, and he started teaching me to play Canasta. We got on great from the outset, and discovered a mutual taste in music - and many other things - talked about our relationship breakups, our families, the ups and downs of living alone and all kinds of things.

Following that first night, I invited him over to mine for a re-match and a chilli - my son joined us that night and pronounced Rufus (whose real name is Paul) 'a cool dude'. We continued our nightly Facebook chats, and got more and more friendly as time went on.

One of my friends was going through a similar breakup to mine - 3 weeks after my marriage broke up, her 7 year relationship came to a similar end. Her boyfriend just announced that he wanted out and she was devastated. We kept each other propped up, and she and I arranged a drunken girlie night with Pimm's and other booze and a general 'slagging off men' session. But prior to this, she admitted that she had got drunk and had sex with someone she met on a night out - she felt AWFUL about it, but I just told her 'good god well done, if you were a bloke you wouldn't be feeling bad, so just don't!'. She admitted she found the guy incredibly sexy, very sweet and it was good to feel that she was attractive to someone, so I told her 'so long as you're honest about your feelings every step of the way and don't get in too deep too fast, and are aware you may be bouncing etc, you should be fine'.

I confessed to her that I found Paul very attractive, but wasn't interested in a relationship of any kind - but that sex would be good! She laughed and said 'hey, invite him over, you might get lucky'. I was quite drunk by that point, and just say 'yeah, why not?'

She went home by taxi and I got chatting to Paul on Facebook as I normally do. Told him I'd had rather a lot to drink and wasn't remotely tired, and he said 'do you want some company?'. He got in a taxi and came over - at 3 in the morning! - with booze.

He ended up staying all night, and we just sat in my lounge, chatting. For something like 20 hours straight. He didn't go home until late the next afternoon, after giving me a very chaste hug. I knew then that I was in deep shit. Feelings were starting to occur (I admit, at that stage, they were mostly lustful feelings, but there were stirrings of thoughts like 'we have so much in common' etc going on too). I tried very hard to ignore all that, but we arranged to have Sunday lunch together (which was just the next day as it turned out), and when we met that day, it felt very much like a proper date. He was dressed smartly, smelling gorgeous, and once again, the conversation flowed, we just got along great, and I found myself looking at him more and more and thinking 'god he's gorgeous' and things of that nature. Mostly, I was trying to stop my stomach from doing that slow roll that it does when attraction sets in and you can't stop it.

So, the nightly Facebook chats continued, and the following Tuesday night, things took a bit of a turn. Conversation turned to all things physical, and we ended up having what can only be described as cyber-foreplay. I admit, I instigated it, mainly to see how he would react. He was very cautious, but I knew that was because he was concerned that I was bouncing, and he didn't want either of us to end up hurt.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he came over to my house on the Thursday night, and we kind of explored each other. No sex occurred that night, just loads of lovely snogs and cuddles, and I discovered that for a man of 49, he was bloody fit. I mean he has a six-pack type fit. Not a single wobble anywhere on him. Solid muscle, but not bulky. Lithe, strong, and sexy as fuck. Best kisser I've ever EVER encountered, and just an instinctive knowledge of what I like, where to go, what to do, and how to make me feel amazing. It was very very hard to let him go that night. But go he did. We arranged for me to go over to his on the Saturday and spend the weekend. We were both very nervous - like teenagers.

Saturday finally arrived, and I took myself over there, and without going into graphic detail, all I can say is that it was the best sex I've ever had. Well up to that point, it was, it's actually got even better since then. To say he's amazing is a massive understatement. We spent HOURS discovering each other. He took me to places I've never been before (yes, at my age!), and his body just drove me wild. He's a considerate, passionate, gentle, experienced lover. And he gives GREAT all body massages. I just felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

I stayed with him the whole weekend, and we just got more and more comfortable with each other. We cuddled up on his sofa and listened to music, ate great food, and continued with the amazing sex.

And so it has been ever since. We have spent as much time as possible together, we absolutely love each other's company, the physical side of things is still completely amazing (quite frankly, we can't get enough of each other, and anyone who knows me will know I've never exactly been a nympho, but that's what he's turned me into!). I think it's probably the first time I've been in a relationship where I've been this physically attracted to my partner. He loves me, he tells me so every day, and it's completely mutual.

Sometimes, even though things happen rather too quickly following a breakup, there's no fighting it.

It's his 50th birthday next Monday, and we're spending the weekend in London. It's always been a wish of his to go to Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. So I've got us tickets to Anthony & Cleopatra, and a night at the London Bridge hotel, then we're having afternoon tea at the Library Rooms (one of the finest rooms in London) on the actual day. It's my birthday the following Saturday and he's throwing a party (ostensibly for his 50th, but also for my birthday as well).

We have an agreement that we won't live together or get married, because we're happy as we are, but there's a further agreement that if we both really really want to, we can change that. When I was at his house for the weekend last week, the little girl next-door shouted over the fence to him 'are you going to marry her?' and without missing a beat, he replied 'one day'.

Dunno about that. I don't know that I'm really all that trusting of marriage any more. I quite like things the way they are. But you never know...

This weekend, he stayed with me (my son is away currently) and if it's at all possible, things got even hotter. He's so, SO passionate, and has absolutely no qualms about telling me how he feels about me. It makes me feel sexy, and wanted and extremely happy. But being away from him is incredibly tough to handle. He's in my every waking thought.

Suffice it to say the breakdown of my marriage is a distant memory now. :-)