I’ve been working on this issue for awhile now, and it was at the forefront of my session with Dr. Spencer today. I really got myself stuck in a distorted worldview when I was younger- a worldview where I don’t really matter and a belief that no one would ever want to get close to me because somehow I am “different” and don’t fit in anywhere. And I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life beating my head against the constraints of that damaging worldview. I have been trying to read a wrong and completely outdated mental map for so long that I have done nothing but spin myself around in circles my whole life. My family dynamics growing up defined me in ways that really sowed the seeds of debilitating depression and anxiety. I swallowed everything- stress, fear, anger, frustration, loneliness, inadequacy- and out of all that internalizing came the toxic fog that I have battled since the age of 16. And out of that toxic fog came the inner voice I call “The Cocksucker”. The voice that tells me I can’t. The voice that tells me why bother. The voice that goads me into self-destruction.
It dawned on me today in the middle of my session that I’ve convinced myself that thru self-punishment I am somehow punishing the world-my family and the people who helped create this distorted view of who I am. That by being a depressive mess I’ve somehow given the world a big middle finger and said “See what you turned me into.” That it’s somehow heroic that I’ve fallen on my sword and deprived the world of my talents and abilities.
And then it dawned on me what BULLSHIT all that is. What a lack of accountability and responsibility on my part. That I need to OWN my past and accept it for what it was and MOVE ON. I”m never gonna get off this treadmill to oblivion until I let go of the shit that needs to be released once and for all and start creating a new, more accurate mental picture of both myself and the world I inhabit.
I know that will take a lot of work- as pliable as our brains can be, most of us still cling to the rigidity of outdated and false perceptions. And I’m no exception. There’s comfort in the status quo. It’s easier to deal with the pain you know rather than face the unknown in many instances. Lifelong convicts become so institutionalized that they often cannot cope with the outside world upon their release. We all are prisoners of our own minds. Change is HARD. But what is the alternative, really?
Last updated May 31, 2018