Im afraid to sleep in my own bed. Last night I woke up to his face between my legs. Most women would be happy. But we talked about this. Repeatedly. I told him not until we are married. Then he said he was asleep and having weird dreams. I dont believe him so he changes his story. Says he couldn’t control himself. Says we are living together like a married couple.
I didnt want him to move in, but he suddenly had no place to stay. And then he suddenly had no job or income to get a place, despite all the money he dished out for me and my son… I offer up the couch and he says he’d rather sleep in his car so I cave and let him sleep in my bed. Then hes jumping my ass and groping me till I give in and fool around.
I tell him absolutely no more. Stop letting him grope. Pull away if he tries to rub against me. So when I’m absolutely exhausted from a long day at work and staying up late for school I’m out like a light. And I wake up to his face between my legs.
Every time I get the least bit upset and try to confront him he somehow turns it around to make me sound like the bad guy. How dare I accuse him of lieing! He did not say those things and then change his story! Hes an honest man! How dare I not trust him! He layers on guilt and flattery and forced me to talk it out while Im still too upset to do so.
He uses the Bible as a weapon. He brings up all the least desirable phrases and misquoted them. He tries to tell me there’s no such thing as sin anymore since we arent bound to the law, and that God makes people suffer because we belong to him and he can do what he wants with us. He tries to tell me all these things hes learned from studying the Bible, but cant point out a single reference. When I try to look one up or get an outside resource to explain myself hes upset about that too.
Either Im paranoid or hes crazy making, playing my emotions like a fiddle, turning into a victim when he does something wrong, distracting me.
Hes distracting me.
My homework is still not done tonight. I got him a sex toy to help him control his urges but its sitting unopened on a shelf and hes asleep in my bed, more asleep than hes ever been before. Too asleep for me to wake him… I’m afraid to sleep in my own bed. Maybe next time itll be his dick I wake up to. It’s time for my IUD to come out.
I’m afraid… and I cant talk to him about it or he’ll tell me how hurtful it is for me to think hed ever do a thing like that. You know, a thing like he already did. Give them an inch and they take a mile. Suddenly I have all these questions. About his ex, about his daughter, about his criminal record and all these credentials he says he has but cant seem to get a job with.
I miss Jay. He was creepy sometimes, but at least I could talk to him… if I had the courage. At least I felt safe around him. He’s very happy with her and I’m glad because he deserves happiness, but I wish he were here to give me advice because I feel so lost and afraid. I miss my friend. Jay would never have groped me in my sleep, or expected me to take care of him financially.
My boyfriend doesnt respect me. He says he does, but his actions say otherwise. Hes smart. But maybe hed rather use his mind for evil. I’m afraid.
I feel trapped.
I feel afraid.
I feel manipulated.
I feel disrespected.
I feel alone.
I feel afraid.
What else did he lie to me about.
I need sleep.
I need space.
I need him quiet.
I need Jay.