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SIMPLY / HAVING / A PROBLEM WITH ALL THESE MIMES / SIMPLY / HAVING / A PROBLEM WITH ALL THESE MIMES It’s a cross between “Hooters” and “Chili’s” and it’s called “Fapplebees”. How did they n...

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Breaking news tonight, regarding the tragic train derailment in northern California, where they are still counting the dead: confirmation of the main suspect’s identity in the disaster that spewe...

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If we really want to go into space, have we considered smashing antipasto and pasto together and harnessing the energy of their mutual annihilation? If you’re hired to run a snowplow in the p...

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Must be crazy to be the leftovers after a big delicious meal. It must be like The Rapture but for food. Dating a heating-and-cooling mechanic comes with fridge benefits. The Christmas song ...

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I still like to believe that “The Babysitters Club” was named not after the protagonists but rather the cudgel they shared to bludgeon particularly unruly children into slumber. Did the alt-r...

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A fusion of Gallagher and Jim Gaffigan, “Gaffigher”, who ends every show by smashing a bunch of Hot Pockets. The people at Hasbro are a bunch of Trouble makers. Why call it a “dairy” when y...

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The problem with time-travel is not that it’s impossible. It’s certainly difficult, sure, but far from impossible. Throughout your entire history so far, a few dozen human beings have managed it ...

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Why call it “analingus” when you could call it “taint and sip”? And America can stop pretending to care about soccer for another four years. I would want to say “Work to be kind but have fu...

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In North Dakota, Super Mario Brothers 2 was originally called Okie-Dokie Panic. The greatest name for a punk rock band is, of course, JON ARBUCKLE’S FAT PUSSY. A parody of Paul Simon’s Koda...

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fill me up with wor(l)ds with meanings and perspectives make me multitudes

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My capacity for guilt is bottomless. I just felt guilty for not having heard of a celebrity who passed away. I saw people being moved by his work (I am not versed in recent pop/rap/R&B) and...

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“Life has a way of hollowing you out, if you’re not careful,” he intoned to a packed auditorium, faces rapt in honest attention, “you needn’t be a scarecrow for that to happen to you too.” Since ...

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All I know is that my Winnie-the-Pooh / Little Shop of Horrors mash-up is going to include the song “Suddenly Eeyore”. Tubi or not Tubi? Not Tubi. Definitely not Tubi. Okay, okay, I get the...

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A parody of Ray Stevens’ “Guitarzan” about the near-infinite human rights abuses that had to occur to make the Qatar World Cup a possibility. On those reality shows about plural marriage, it’...

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All this talk about DIE HARD being a Christmas movie, but if you wanna talk about the arrival of a savior who is misunderstood, murdered and resurrected, then the real Christmas movie is THE DA...

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if I’m sent to Hell but only for a little while I hope these negative-windchill Adirondack freeze-out disaster days will at least count as time served toward my sentence

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Note to myself I found in my pocket: “I’m on this Earth to do two things: Help people and drink coffee. And currently I’m all outta people.” I still can’t believe that they called it “Basic I...

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I worry I’m nothing but a totem-pole of affectations, standing atop each other, in a trench-coat. Human-shaped at distance, but the closer you get, the more obvious it is I’m just an exaggeration...

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I think FULL-FAT HIGH-MOISTURE MOZZARELLA is a great name for a band. I just don’t know why the adult film industry doesn’t call their end-of-year awards show “The Peepholes’ Choice Awards”. ...

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How about, like, steam-punk but for the age of media on magnetic tape? Tape-punk? Total early-VHS aesthetic. I think that’d be my throwback aesthetic. Any time a BBQ aficionado refers to them...

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THE SCRYING OF LOT 49 is a lot less complicated than THE CRYING OF LOT 49. She goes to a psychic who looks into a crystal ball and says “it’s a stamp collection”. Easy peasy. With Twitter on ...

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Why say “STD” when you could say “affection infection”? A parody of the Ben Folds Five’s “Jackson Cannery” about battling a lich. “that vampire’s chasing me but I got his phylactery, whoa-oa,...

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An all you can eat dumpling buffets invariably lead to wonton destruction. I don’t know what the “cyberchunk” aesthetic would look like but I think I’d like to invent it. I feel like if Har...

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i am the leaves that crunch beneath my feet or at least I was or at least I will be i came from the earth below the leafy crunch and i’ll be going back someday i came from the gray sky a...

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patience is a virtue indecision is a vice to always know the difference wouldn’t it be nice

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