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The idea that EPCOT Center’s Spaceship Earth looks like a gigantic golf ball is a tired comedy premise unless you add in a gigantic golfer who, before her mighty swing, must yell “FOUR… HUNDRED… ...

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Friedrich von Steuben. Friedrich von Steuben, that’s a foreign name, isn’t it? The kind of scary immigrant kind of name that’d make Trump the Lame’s last three hairs stand on end. The name Friedr...

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1.) Are Christmas tree decorations really just “branch dressing”? 2.) A parody of “Put On A Happy Face” about Buffalo Bill from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. 3.) Egyptian Black Sabbath fans should bu...

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If you’re famous, on your death, some hack cartoonist will draw the shallowest representation of your life, standing at the gates of heaven. Even if you died at ninety, if the thing you’re famous...

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We’re all just snow in the air, melting on the ground when we get there, just like George Bailey. George just wanted to build buildings, George wanted to just see the world, George thought he mig...

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1.) Sometimes random people you never met but facebook says “you might know” are achingly beautiful but you don’t actually know ‘em so you just move on and… being a human being was weird enough B...

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Even though the American tradition of the hero-criminal is dated back to English mythology and the tale of Robin Hood, the American stories of the good-guy-thief have always seemed so much bloodi...

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I was having these chips, I was eating these chips, I was eating these chips from a bag from the local convenience store. I was eating these chips called “A Hint of Lime” chips and I thought to m...

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Finally, Frank got back to the question of why I could see him as he was, a just-under-seven-foot tall sasquatch, when everyone else only saw a street-busker who’d left his costume on inside the ...

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1.) Twitter has informed me there is a celebrity couple called “Cardi B” and “Offset” that has just had a child and, like, congratulations total strangers? But more importantly, these stage-names...

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Give a man a fish and yes, he will eat for a day. Set a greedy man loose with a boat and a net and no Coast Guard to stop him, he will eventually get rich but along the way, the fish will invaria...

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1.) That mash-up of ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY and WELCOME TO THE MACHINE will be depressing but it’ll have one hell of a rhythm. 2.) Your HOUSE/BILL & TED crossover fan-fiction will have the running...

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Jack’s mother was a widow trying to hold onto her old family dairy farm and, while it still made enough money to keep Jack and his mother in food and clothes, the county executive was trying to c...

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I don’t believe in homeopathy, but I do believe in you. If water could actually have memory, it could only remember the dirt and the sky from whence water endlessly recycles. If the dirt could ha...

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Life is a twenty-piece order of Chicken McNuggets from the local McDonalds. Life turns out to be super cheap and kind of gross when you think about it and incredibly delicious in a crass sort of ...

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1.) The famous Wild West gunslinger Wild Bill Hitchcock didn’t move fast, as he was very fat but he always won the fight by being able to slowly fade in from his outline and pop in as a cameo out...

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Don’t hit on the cute girl in the Salvation Army, Mike, just don’t. Nothing good will come from this and you know it. Seriously, get yourself together, you know that nothing about that idea can p...

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Maybe the characters in the classic-rock-radio staple story-song “Piano Man” wouldn’t be so depressed if they didn’t have to listen to Billy Joel. Maybe this guy Davy is completely happy with his...

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In a thousand years, priests and scholars will still have their debates about history, whether they engage in holograms or in hovels, whether the arguments are in cave paintings or in non-fiction...

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1.) Your cartoon where Julia Roberts voices a black-widow spider will be called LOVE, EAT PREY. 2.) Ken Burns Jazz, Ken Burns Baseball, Ken Burns Vietnam, WHEN WILL WE STOP THIS ARSONIST NAMED KE...

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1.) The “Christian rock” genre is one of those American Paradoxes that seems completely insane from the outside without the context of how many times American culture has eaten its own tail. Sort...

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So, do you want the good news or the bad news? I figured, most want good news first. After that, though, do you want the bad news or the worse news? Should’ve assumed that too. I’ll just start. T...

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I often wonder about the people who ended up becoming the various parts of Frankenberry. You know, Frankenberry the breakfast mascot, along with Count Chocula and Boo Berry, part of the Holy Trin...

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1.) I love fireworks myself but I have enjoyed this being the 4th of July where everyone who hates fireworks “came out” on social media at once, actually. I don’t know why, I guess I dig witnessi...

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1.) Then there was of course the great British bandit couple Bonnie and Clive who famously nicked four Flake bars from the druggist’s and, during their escape, threw a toffee apple at the boot of...

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