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1.) Your seafood restaurant that objectifies the male servers will be called CODPIECES. 2.) In all things, I have always valued being interesting over being perfect, in food, in potential lovers,...

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1.) Your parody of “April Come She Will” will be a saucy interpretation of the Ninja Turtles canon. 2.) Late Capitalism is the Taco Bell Fourth Meal of economics. Or maybe it’s the other way arou...

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for now we see, as through the glass broken as through a screen of broken bleeding LCDs for now we see, as through the screen dimly or as if through a mirror half-shattered three-point-five ...

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“If she knows God-honest magic, though, why doesn’t she just make herself television-pretty?” I asked, “If that’s the only thing holding back her dream.” “For her, it’s not that easy,” Frank said...

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1.) for now we see, as through a glass broken/as through a screen of busted LCDs/for now we see, as if through a screen dimly or mirror half-shattered/through prismatic crazing, a fractal of frac...

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1.) Puttin’ out to the universe that I’m lookin’ for some concrete direction. I don’t know if there’s anything organized enough beyond the veil to answer back with an arrow but I may as well make...

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1.) That moment when you realize “Oh, I probably had blinding headaches yesterday because I forgot to take my blood sugar and blood pressure meds”. Getting old beats the alternative but… there ar...

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1.) I want some, like, really realistic pragmatic love songs on the radio. “Settle for me, it wouldn’t be the worst thing, settle for me, I’m not that bad”. 2.) If your book on the history of the...

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1.) An Old Navy Christmas ad involving the line “Sleep In Heavenly Fleece”. 2.) I mean, sure, there are times you just start singing “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” in the style of Danzig. 3.) I ...

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I am no longer merely older than that age when celebrities die tragically to lock in their iconic beauty forever, some put it around twenty-seven, in fact I am almost too old to even be socially ...

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1.) A life defined by my many ironies in the fire. 2.) Voted “Thinnest Customer In The Salvation Army ” three years running. 3.) A super casual tabletop role playing game called WIZARDS AND WHATN...

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1.) How has Sir Mix-A-Lot never put his name on an infomercial blender? 2.) If you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky and you’re good, art is not just a slight delightment and art is not just an ar...

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1.) Kurt Cobain’s death is a Schrodinger’s box, really, he was a famous person you almost assuredly didn’t know. The truth of whether he killed himself or was killed is irrelevant to your life, w...

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1.) After divorcing over his drinking, she went from dearly belov-ed to beerly delov-ed. 2.) In Australia, it is tradition before using the bathroom first thing in the morning to greet the room “...

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1.) I want to believe myself desirable in an unconventional kind of way but lacking the evidence lately, I dunno. With everything that’s happened the last few months, I suppose I’m not exactly in...

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I people-watched inside the mall I broke for a brief burrito bowl I wandered for two hours leisurely remarking on what shops had changed I stuck a fiver in a mass...

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1.) Hepatitis-Cat is a relatively mild strain, it merely makes you into a beatnik. 2.) If Herman, Lily, Eddie and Grandpa were all murdered by a descendant of Van Helsing, would they change the n...

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1.) A SCENE FROM THE NERD DINER: “I don’t get it.” “What don’t you get?” “How is this dish The Aquaman Special? There’s no fish in it or, like, even kelp, it’s just curry.” “Yes,” she agreed, “it...

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1.) People watching in a mall, a burrito bowl, looking at what stores have changed, sticking a fiver in a massage chair, ending up in a bookstore, reading something I wanted to read but not enoug...

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1.) Your Steely Dan/Beastie Boys mash-up “No Sleep Til Brooklyn Owes The Charmer Under Me” will be the crowning achievement of an age that hasn’t achieved much. 2.) Put a friend in a gimp suit, o...

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1.) Unlike the Constructicons, however, the Deconstructicons are not six Decepticons who join together into one larger robot to battle Optimus Prime, rather they are six Decepticons who split int...

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1.) It was hard to tell if they were a hair-metal band or just being ironic, the whole thing was incredibly glambiguous. 2.) What was my generation’s obsession with irony but an intellectual vers...

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1.) When you graduate from Mohel College, they play “Pomp and Circumcision”. 2.) A Batman themed prom called “A Knight To Remember” will never happen but it would be the first actually interestin...

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1.) Ah, El Pollo Loco. The Mexican chain you only go to if every Mexican chain other than Taco Bell is unavailable. 2.) We need a famous couple that’s a Jennifer and an Eric (or Erica!) so that t...

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1.) If you skulk around apiaries, you’re a bee creeper. 2.) Technically, Blur’s “Song 2” would mash-up well with Rob Thomas’s “Smooth” but… it would only bring Song 2 down. WOO-HOO! 3.) The Harve...

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