Entries 3,144
Page 11 of 126
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For all the many sins of youtube, the worst is how they all say “Super Mario Bros” instead of “Super Mario Brothers”. “Bros” is one of the weirdest most awkward words in the language and it is ...
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A movie about time-travelers trying to fix a bunch of problems over a long weekend called CAUSAL FRIDAY. ASMR where I say soothing things to help you relax but not, oh, being a flirty doctor ...
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You don’t gotta be angry all the time. You could also be sad! Heart-crushed soul-drained sad. That’s also a valid response to… all this. Switching it up between the two could do you some good. ...
jesus day barrage
All the amazing things you can do or be as a human, imagine being so dull and empty, you think that the definition of being a hero is “has a lot of money”. That’s what people hero-worship? The ...
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A speed-dating event that’s also a potluck dinner called CASSEROLE ENCOUNTERS. Here’s something I say to myself before I perform, sometimes. “My words don’t speak for me, I speak for my words...
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“Bitcoin for Dummies” is less a book title, more an awkwardly worded statement of fact. My favorite rap album about disaster prepping is, of course, “Tinderboxx (And The Ferrocerium Rod Below...
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I feel very protective of spoken-word-only open mics. Yes, poetry & music are intermingled & there’s nothing wrong with occasionally lapsing into song as a PART of your poem, as punctua...
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I’m not sure if it’s the BBC-preferred pluralization but “Doctors Who” just FEELS right. “Harbor Freight - It’s Junk That Will Crumble To Dust In Three Uses… But You Get A Free Plastic Flashl...
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A sequel to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” called “Santa Claus is Going to Town”. Why call it “lamaze classes” when you could call it “push notifications “? The weirdest Ben and Jerry’s ...
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The fact that there isn’t a punk band in Toronto called “Oi Canada” is yet another reason why I should be installed as World’s Namer Of Things. Hear me out: an amusement park built around an ...
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If someone is eating a sundae on Twitch and you send them money to do it, even though they don’t know you in any meaningful way, that right there is an ice cream para-social. BOSOM BUDDIES wa...
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Put Christmas bows on each side of your headphones. Congratulations! You now have Bows Headphones. What was Eminem thinking, rapping about spaghetti? Who did he think he was, Def Boyardee? ...
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A movie where you unmask a wrestler and the mask attaches to your face, forcing you uncontrollably into the life of a luchador called THE SANTOS CLAUSE. Look, this is probably a moment where ...
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Don’t “toxic positivity” yourself, either. You don’t gotta say you’re AMAZING or GREAT or ALPHA or GIRLBOSS, faking it until you make that will only disappoint you. That’s too much pressure. Yo...
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If all your show has going for it is the maguffin of its “mystery plot” or the question “will the two blandly attractive leads have sex?” it could well be a huge hit at the zeitgeist’s whim, at...
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The day you gain access to magic, every year after, that’s your mannaversary. If you are from a blended Hindu/Jewish family, I just want you to know, you could probably sing “Bhagavad Gita” t...
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If you wear really flashy clothes that are nearly worn out, that style is called “glamshackle”. There were originally a sensible amount of vowels in the term for someone from Utah, but the Mo...
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I hope the next big social media is honest and just calls itself “Skinner Box”. I would appreciate the candor. Less “Significantly Advanced Science Posing As Magic” More “Bizarrely Tweaked Ma...
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For years, I genuinely thought the Johnny Cougar lyric was “Life goes on long after the threat of living is gone” and maybe that says more about me than it does Johnny Cougar. The idea of old...
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Old is when you hear a song you hated when they played it 10,000 times on the radio when you were young and… you still hate it but you leave it on because you’re nostalgic for the feeling of ha...
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You can start the finest Italian restaurant in Liverpool, England and call it “Penne Lane”. No one can stop you. Life is often brutal and always short and arbitrary, you make up your meaning. D...
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America’s “Tin Man” except it’s about the Thimble Theatre comic strip. “OH POPEYE DIDN’T HAVE NOTHING FOR THE SEA HAG THAT SHE DIDN’T, DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE”. Last minute costume idea: Blonde b...
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There is a slot on the side of a building. If you press a button, a sundae is pushed out of the slot for you and a voice yells “NOW LEAVE.” This is called an ice-cream anti-social. Socially n...
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I am just putting on a plaid patterned shirt and if anyone asks, this is my costume, “Smallville Clark Kent If He Kinda Let Himself Go”. I feel like we could mash up Cake’s Going The Distance...
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If the plural of “octopus” is “octopi” then logically the plural of “Jesus” is “Jesi”. People wonder what happened to Jon’s roommate Lyman from Garfield but now it can be told, he’s being hel...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
