Entries 59
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I’ll be the martyr for the hated, the weak, the ugly, the lost… ✊ Rock! ✋ Paper! ✌ Scissors! SHOOT! 🖕 Been getting off at 3 AM this week and will next. I’m pretty sure I have a mandatory Satur...
Truth
Had a legal set back last Friday and spent the night in jail. Been beating myself up ever since. Earlier tonight at work I was in a good mood. Dancing around. Singing to myself at my machine....
Cigarettes And Late Nights
Ugh. My mind is dancing tonight. Was reading annnd the mind started to drift. Got out of bed and turned the tv on. Archer. I could use the laugh. Guy has been drinking daily for a while. Su...
Hrm...
Woke up real early this morning. Been on the couch watching Autopsy on Reelz. Last episode was Chris Farley, this one is about Belushi. Both 33. Both major addicts. Got me thinking about all ...
Drug Strut
Walked out of the psychiatrist’s office with five new prescriptions. She’s keeping me on xanex and upped the dosage.
All My Life, Who Am I?
I left work early last night. I’m just not feeling it anymore. See, you can do as much as you want or as little as you want and it won’t matter. Back in late October I was asked to come in on...
Pills Ahhhh
Written about 6AM this morning. Ended up seeing my regular physician Tuesday before everything shut down for weather. Explained the stress I’ve been under, lack of sleeping and running dangerous...
Musings On The Clock
I’d kill for a fucking drink right now… 5:46 AM Home and feeling better. Dinner then bed.
!Ssabmud
I’ve got a sinking feeling my court case is lost. M said she could write a letter about my mental health and how she hs seen me during my sobriety, a year and a half gap, then after my relapse r...
Untitled United
I’m feeling really alone right now. Laying in bed awake at 3:50 AM. Think I’ll hit the pipe and game till five or six. Distraction is key. I’m not sure what brought this feeling on but I loat...
Stress
Back in February I drank and got into an auto accident. I know. It was stupid. No one hurt except me. Busted my face up pretty good. I’m facing my second DUI charge. Have got a lawyer to hel...
Make The Bad Bad Go Way Way
She hasn’t changed other than working private practice now instead of state run facility. We talked about my relapse, slip into hard drugs and overall self destructive behavior. I thanked her f...
A Few Weeks Of Promises And Attempts Failed
Life is always boring and mundane when I think to come here and write…or consider writing. At work my mind is a swirl of things I want to talk about. Then I think of here and…like hitting a se...
I Need A Fix 'Cause I'm Going Down...
Over the last month…ish…whatever, I’ve been working a butt load of overtime. No social life thanks to working afternoons into late nights. However during one drunken night off I rediscovered my...
F.U. POPCORN SHRIMP!
I feel sick at my stomach right now. Hello, my name is Jesse and I’m an alcoholic and addict. I was 14 years old when I had my first cigarette. Don’t believe the hype that marijuana is the gatew...
12:44 AM
I wrote this earlier and deleted it but here we go again. Almost ended up in the psych ward again. While super intoxicated I carved my wrists up pretty bad. Some days i feel like I can live for...
What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been
First woke up at 7 something this morning, rolled over to go back to sleep careful not to hurt my bruised left arm. Even setting the left side of my face onto the pillow hurt. From the temple t...
Lost Cause
It got in my head last night and I couldn’t shake it. Ended up at the liquor store to get a cheap bottle. I should have called someone to talk or something else. I was texting a friend today ...
Relapsed
December 1st is my new sobriety date. I relapsed Monday night and drank vodka and beer. I’m not beating myself up over it. I have had a really bad hangover all day. I feel so…lost…
In Response To Last Entry
I just feel like I need a change of scenery or hang out with someone else. I got over my hump yesterday by rewatching the Craig Ferguson clip I go to when I’m feeling low about the alcoholism. R...
Another Cookout
It would be on nights like this, every time, where some family would be over and there would be a cookout/food. Once the house would be empty, the trash taken out and the dishes cleaned, one qui...
Human, The Other White Meat
Currently watching Hannibal Lecter break out of his makeshift prison cell in Silence of the Lambs. Still currently unemployed but I’ve been looking. Starting to get to me, I’ve grown bored with ...
You Think That You Know More, About Being, Being Lonely?
Load Up On Guns And Bring Your Friends
It’s 3:24 PM. I finally dragged myself out of bed a little under an hour ago. I really didn’t mean to sleep this late. It felt so real I was almost convinced I did it. Had another relapse dream....
Roughly about two months ago I ran into a girl I had a big crush on from high school. We got together eleven years ago and fooled around some and left it at that. It was at the mall and she was...
