Public

Since OD is shutting down....

by justme25

Entries 718

Page 1 of 29

19 hours ago

Sick as hell.

I’ve been pretty sick since Monday and I’m really getting tired of it. I still can’t hardly breathe or smell and yesterday I could barely speak as I had lost my voice. Last night I woke up and c...


2 days ago

Creeper.

I never go out back anymore because I quit smoking almost 2 months ago. Every few days I’ll refill the food and water for the cat that lives outside but I never pay attention to the chairs until ...


5 days ago

Thanksgiving 2022

It’s been another holiday where it’s just my daughter and myself. We can’t go to my parents house because my little brother freaks out if we are there too long so my parents brought us turkey din...


I’ve been in a pretty bad place mentally for a few days again, thanks to BD. I can’t keep letting this person get to me because it makes me think really scary thoughts. I deserve to be happy and ...


November 18, 2022

Hateful.

So a couple of days ago I get a letter from my daughter’s school stating that if she was enrolled with her tribe, she would receive an educational grant. I decide to message her sperm donor and a...


November 17, 2022

Criticism.

I’m all for hearing what people have to say about my problems, I don’t mind being told that I’m wrong and I have no problem admitting it. I like constructive criticism but once you start tryna te...


November 14, 2022

Thinking.

I have started my online orientation for my job. Still pretty stressed about everything because it just feels like shit is just up in the air. I am still talking to different sitters online tryin...


November 14, 2022

Thinking.

I have started my online orientation for my job. Still pretty stressed about everything because it just feels like shit is just up in the air. I am still talking to different sitters online tryin...


November 13, 2022

Fuck it all.

I got hired at that job but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m struggling with my mental health and honestly feel like I could end it and not care one bit. No one gives a shit about my daughter o...


November 12, 2022

At my wit's end.

My daughter has really been struggling in school where she’s been violent with other students. I don’t know if it’s just a mix of the nostalgia of school starting, her Dad was around briefly or o...


November 06, 2022

I decide what goes.

It’s been a whirlwind of crazy on my side of the tracks lately. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and not feeling good along with my kid’s SD (sperm donor) breezing in disrupting her stab...


October 12, 2022

Appointments.

Anyways, I told my Mom about these appointments a month ago and still ended up taking my daughter with to both of them. I am so glad that COVID is over so that I’m able to just bring her with me ...


October 10, 2022

Down.

We are on day 3 out of 4 from school break. I did take daughter with me to my dr appointment on Friday and will take her with to my dentist appointment in the morning. I asked my Mom a month ago ...


September 29, 2022

Where do I go.

I had counseling this morning. I am feeling a bit better about things and ready to start tossing around ideas about a job and start getting into a routine. I really want to start making some chan...


September 27, 2022

Waiting for mail.

I’ve spent the last 2 weeks waiting diligently for the mail to come. It’s pretty obnoxious that it comes at different times everyday and there’s no telling when I can plan for it to be here. I’m ...


September 26, 2022

Happy Sunday.

It’s been warm and sunny the last couple of days. It’s going to be pretty nice all week too so I’ll be able to dress my kid in Summer clothes a little longer. We went to the park and got some gro...


September 24, 2022

Doing alright.

My daughter was in school Thursday and I decided to text my Mom and ask her to come run errands with me. I told her when she got to my house we were gonna go to his apartment. She called the neig...


September 21, 2022

1 good and 1 horrible.

By the grace of God, I was able to get my Mom to come look after my child so I could attend counseling. Whenever she got here, I mentioned the jury duty thing and she told me to call. I honestly ...


September 20, 2022

Prisoner of my own mind.

I thought all Summer about all the stuff I wanted to do when my daughter went back to school and so far the only thing I’ve done is attend counseling. I wanted to start that program through the h...


September 17, 2022

Some people's kids.

I want to talk about some stuff that’s been heavy on my mind. I’d like to start with why people take it upon themselves to be in the middle of situations that have NOTHING to do with them. I also...


September 16, 2022

Breakfast.

Today we did the breakfast thing at school. I was annoyed that it consisted of go-gurts, granola bars, and mini muffins. Literally no nutrition in that whatsoever. I’ve been doing really good thi...


September 15, 2022

Brainstorming.

I’m thinking about what I want to do. I think school would be a good idea because I don’t want to end up working at crap jobs forever. I spent 7 years at a job making minimum wage, no insurance, ...


September 13, 2022

Thinking.

I just got a call and counseling is now Wednesday at 11. I am writing it in here because it’s easier to remember. Daughter is at school. She slept about 11 hours and I’m glad because I don’t want...


September 12, 2022

Sunday.

I can’t believe the weekend is already almost over. We’ve done breakfast and now little one is just watching tv and I’m getting a moment to myself. I got to see my counselor on Thursday and then ...


September 11, 2022

Stress.

So the charges got dropped and my little brother will be going home. I’m glad for this as he’s staying with a 70 year old woman with cancer. She smokes in her house, it’s really cluttered and not...


Book Description

I’m really not into switching to another site but it looks like OD is going offline in the next few days. I downloaded my diary but it looks way different and doesn’t seem like all my entries are in it and that makes me very sad. I’ve gone through so much in the past 3 years and everything is documented on OD.

Anyway, I’m just exhausted from work and school. I love that I have so much going on and I am creating a better future for myself but getting enough sleep is always a task. I still have to take TYlenol PM every night or else I will be wide awake until I do. I am just so sick of it. I miss being able to go to sleep on my own. There’s just so much going on nowadays and I don’t want to spend all my free time at home sleeping.

I got most of my homework done and I feel pretty good about that. I’m glad that i’m in an easy math class this semester because that is my toughest subject. I love my computer class because it’s stuff that I already know how to do, I’ll just get better at it and learn a few things along the way.

So it looks like I’ll be going to court on the 21st for my small claim lawsuit against the place that fucked me over on my car. I talked to the mechanic today that worked on it and he said that he would go to court with me but I never believe they’ll actually do what they say until the time comes. I really hope he does because his statement is really important and I just don’t know who else is going to come with me.

I still don’t have much to do with my family. My Mom is probably the biggest bitch I’ve ever known and I just can’t stand trying to talk to her one the phone. I called her yesterday to let her know when the court date will be because I couldn’t hear her because they were in the car with the windows down because they were smoking and I tried to tell her I couldn’t hear her and she got all defensive so I hung up. I was just too fucking tired to deal with her attitude and how rude she is to me so I hung up and went about my day.

I decided that if they don’t give me any money when they get their taxes that I will be completely cutting them out of my life. I helped them with $1,300 in the month that I borrowed her car and gave it back with a full tank of gas so I do expect even $40 when they get their taxes. Her and my Dad both told me that they would give me some but I really doubt they actually will because they NEVER pay anyone back and that’s why no one helps them anymore but I almost lost my car and got my cable shut off from helping them and I just feel like if they don’t even attempt to pay me back then they didn’t appreciate me helping. I know that I need to cross them off regardless if they pay me back or not but if I don’t hear from them when they get their taxes, that will be the last fucking straw for me. My family has done nothing but use me and shit on me my entire life so I don’t expect much but it’s just sad how much they have fucked me over and the negative affect they’ve had on my life.

It’s been nice to be off today and yesterday, it’s been much needed. I just feel like I never get enough sleep and being sleep deprived all the time is really not good. I’m glad to have just been at home to hang out, sleep, take a hot bath and get most of my homework done. I hate feeling like I never get enough sleep and I feel like I walk around like a zombie most of the time. What made it worse was having to get up 3 days in a row and 2 of those days was dropping my car off to get some shit fixed. It’s nice to take my car to the mechanic and not have to deal with a bunch of drama to get it back. I don’t have to worry about anything and that alone makes me grateful to have a different car.

My ex is still on my mind quite a bit, more than what i want him to be. I just can’t understand why I can’t just forget about him and move on. I’m still stuck on why he treated me so badly and how he did everything he could to convince me that it was completely acceptable for us to never see each other and that if was fine for him to never include me in his life at all. I was just fighting a losing battle and wouldn’t let go of it. I know that it’s because I had no one else and loneliness was a huge factor but I will NEVER again let someone talk to me like he did. Just because he didn’t call me names like my ex John did, doesn’t mean he was any less abusive. He said some of the most awful things about not only me but people I loved and cared about. He got sick pleasure from knowing how much he brought me down. My friend at work said that I need to find happiness within myself and she’s right. I need to work on myself and figure out my feelings towards my past before I try to find another relationship because it wouldn’t be fair if I met someone now because they would suffer from how others have treated me and I’m not ready to be with someone. Yeah it would be nice to have someone to do shit with in my free time and I would love the company but I need to figure out myself first. My ex left behind a very confused, hurt, shattered person and I need to fix what he did to me, not by finding someone new but learning how to be comfortable within myself and focus on school and work and just doing me before trying to bring someone into my life.