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Page 91 of 218

1.) “Greed is good” was bad enough in the ’80s, throw “Hate is profitable” on top of it in the ’10s and this is where we are now. 2.) Do you think Manilow would ever stop singing that “I Write Th...

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There’s not much need for a calendar in Southern California, certainly not inside the Thirty-Mile Zone. There are only two seasons of any significance in Los Angeles, the season of fires and the ...

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1.) The enduring paradox of our damned human race is that we don’t live long enough to realize how short life is. It’s too precious to even realize within it how precious the whole thing is, my l...

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1.) What’s blue, lives under the sea and can only sing in lists of things? ATLANTIS MORRISETTE. 2.) All the kids are complaining about “virtue signaling” but I’m the old man complaining about “no...

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1.) In Soviet terrible nu-metal, floor lets the bodies hit you. 2.) Some people can fake it ‘til they make it. Not me. Once I’m good at something, I’m really good, but my confidence comes AFTER m...

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1.) I have taken to calling all of the boring white people cynically trying to become “cool” right-wing social media influencers “Blaynd Rand” collectively. 2.) When I am making fun of a band, I ...

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1.) I wonder how many times people have told members of America that it’s actually called Ventura Freeway. 2.) When you realize the Book of Revelation was just a stoned monk shitposting at Nero, ...

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1.) Cutting a joke from your bit because you know the cartoon THE CRITIC did it better is called “Achem’s Razor”. 2.) I don’t think it’s weird to say that it’d be a much better show were it 900-D...

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1.) How there is no John Wick Airwick tie-in, I’ll never know. How there is no John Wick beef-on-weck, I’ll also never know. 2.) Few people would want to hear a parody of “What A Fool Believes” o...

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Stupidity is an under-rated characteristic, at least at the beginning of your journey, at least in the entertainment business, especially in Los Angeles. It helps to start off stupidly, stupid as...

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1.) I mean, in the end, we get this little slice of being alive on the back of all the things that died to become our constituent parts. Ain’t no opting out of mortality after the fact. Enjoy it ...

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1.) Listen, there were always gay and trans folk, just now they’re coming forward. There were always autistic people, it’s just we’re diagnosing better. There isn’t “estrogen in the water” or “po...

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1.) I mean, I could change up from the Ted Danson based parodies to Charlie Manson with MANSON IN THE MOONLIGHT. Sure. 2.) Avoiding taxation is theft from the shared society that created the stab...

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1.) Now a parody about the obscure and terrible Zelda game for the Philips-CDi THE WAND OF GAMELON, to the tune of Steely Dan’s BABYLON SISTERS, that’d be so out there, I would barely get it even...

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1.) A decital is like a recital except instead of doing something you’ve practiced labouriously, it’s something you’ve never practiced at all. You could do like an improv comedy decital or a impr...

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1.) DINOSAURS was actually from a future where the Jurassic Park dinos over-ran the human race, evolved sapience within generations because of the genetic manipulation and formed a society around...

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Despite what you’ve been told by Seventies drive-in exploitation schlock cinema, the sasquatch bares no particular sexual proclivity toward humans, let alone toward human women in specific. Consi...

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1.) I saw a box labeled Mango Chunks and realized that’s now my rap name. 2.) Exhaustion from paper grading is called correctile dysfunction. The only effective treatment is to drop out of academ...

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1.) If you have a psychedelia band from the Flanders region of Belgium and you don’t call yourself “The Flemish Lips” what the hell are you even doing? Break up the band and go sell wooden shoes ...

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1.) The way to really stand out for a metal band is to put your logo in Comic Sans. 2.) For the budget goth who can’t spring for, like, a tricked-out drag racer covered in skulls, a good option i...

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1.) If you’re going to own a strap-on, at least name it “Greatness” so you can make jokes about having Greatness thrust upon you. 2.) It is very very easy to say “the heart wants what the heart w...

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1.) I’m no sports scientist so I can’t say how much “advantage” an M-to-F person in women’s sport does or doesn’t have. What I CAN tell you is if you care so much about sport that you want to dis...

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1.) In my defense, I do not ignore women’s soccer because it is played by women, I ignore it because it is soccer. 2.) Epiphany: Pete Rose is just Donald Trump, but with an actual talent. 3.) An...

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Played in reverse, Eve pushes a bite up out her throat, wedding it to fruit, lifts it to the knowledge tree’s outreaching branch, watches as it latches to the limb and recedes back into the bud t...

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1.) Basically, I’ve shot straight past “exhausted” and discovered the new jam “whyhausted”. 2.) If your toga party doesn’t end with everyone in the house claiming “I Am Partycus!” why are you eve...

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