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The end-game of fame is ending up with your song in an ad for a chain restaurant you would’ve sneered at as mass-market trash when you were young. There aren’t many upsides to failure, but s...

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The good news was they had finally, in earnest, begun to wrestle with the scientific challenges of breaking our reliance on fossil fuel, for once and for all. Better news yet was that they did i...

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THAT’S what Andrew Tate looks like. A tiny dwarf edgelord version of Jon Cryer’s take on Lex Luthor! With “Buckees” and “Stuckeys” being the two most powerful forces on the highways of t...

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Why say “strip bar” when you can say “privates club”? Current brain status: mashing up Chuck E Cheese and the Make Believe Band’s “Disco Dancing Dinosaur Party” with the theme song to t...

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A film about opening a brothel in the suburbs of Utica called ORISKANY BUSINESS. A book about all the ways you are screwing yourself over by acting like a jerk called THE KARMA SUTRA. ...

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A parody of the Beach Boys “Barbara Ann” about Baba Yaga. A starship full of Space Puritans and the line “set phasers to SHUN”. A role-playing game NPC shopkeeper named “Dealy Stan” ...

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Objectivity’s a comforting and convenient lie. There’s no such thing, of course? Everything we do or see is shaped by the context of the moment and the perspectives of the participants, but it f...

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And then, of course, there is the unholy mash-up of THE AVENGERS and PAN, “Mark Rufio”. I like to call that forest-y northwestern bit of New Jersey “Fool’s Pennsylvania”. Why say “on...

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A really weird parody would, of course, be TOTAL ECLIPSE OF PAUL BLART. I just realized that Denise Crosby is basically the Pete Best of Star Trek and maybe the Pete Best of all science ...

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No past action justifies proactive violence now. Maybe we have to be violent in direct self-defense, time to time, but no ancient wrong makes hurting someone else now right. The past is gone...

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You were born with a little lump of coal inside your chest, so was I. So was everyone. You know, metaphorically? But it doesn’t stay that way. What life does to you and what you’ve chosen to do ...

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You know what would be a terrible name for a food? GUNCHABLES. Mrs. Claus’s first name is Mary. Her maiden name was Mary Christmas. That moment where you realized, nah, I was actuall...

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I hope the bug messiah turns out to be a carpenter ant. A parody of “Let My Love Open The Door” about the NES game Milon’s Secret Castle? A punk band called CAPE FIERI. I like to...

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Your “G.I. Joe Babies” pitch will be entitled “INFANTrymen”. You don’t get to choose the toppings, you’ll take what you can get, that’s the genius of the Impersonal Pan Pizza. After ...

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Seeing VHS for WAKING NED DEVINE fills my head with the song “Fisherman’s Blues” by The Waterboys, in that way the trailer for every other movie in the history of Miramax used that song. I d...

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There are almost always two of me inside my head. I don’t mean that in a Jekyll-and-Hyde way or a split-personality way or even in a multiverse kind of a way, it’s far more mundane than any of t...

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At a horror movie festival, there’s always room for giallo! A rap song about being middle-aged called FUNKY COLD EDEMA. The fact that FIGHT CLUB’s success was so predicated on word-o...

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The lesson is never “I need to do this awful thing to others so it never happens to me again”. The lesson is always and will always be “this thing was so awful, I realized it should never ha...

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Brain status: mashing up “Chariots of Fire” and “On Top of Old Smokey”. Brain status: fusing satirical political candidate Vermin Supreme and TMNT supporting character Vernon Fenwick int...

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If you truly love something, or someone, you can’t just pretend the downsides away. If you only remember the good things, are you really remembering anything at all? Everything’s contextual. Not...

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An album of R.E.M. songs covered in the style of Jem and the Holograms called J.E.M. Her family’s classically Michelin starred, his family’s a bunch of molecular gastronomically sous-vid...

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Here’s a terrible idea to picture in your head: Jar-Jar Sphinx. A youtube channel where you review hot dogs in a German-accented existentialist monotone called “Wiener Herzog”. Why s...

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Why say “video commercial boards at convenience stores” when you can say “counter programming”? In a slightly different universe where Screaming Trees were the biggest grunge band of all...

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If I was a billionaire, I wouldn’t buy websites so people couldn’t make fun of me, I’d commission an animated version of ARTHUR, keeping all the dialogue and sound effects from the Dudley Mo...

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Growing up dealing with what I suppose you’d call “mild-to-moderate” obsessive-compulsive disorder was a hell of a thing. You might never think that’s what I contend with, if you saw the unorgan...

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