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1.) You do you but if you’re asking me if I’m gonna wake up early to watch a multi-million-dollar television extravaganza essentially celebrating that two pretty rich people I don’t know personal...

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If God’s like a genie in a lamp but you only get one wish, I certainly wasted mine early. It felt necessary at the time, but I was just a child, I didn’t know the life I’d have laid out for me, t...

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“I’ve been thinking,” her wife said, setting down her coffee. She wanted to quip back “that’s when the trouble starts”, but she respected that her love was the artist, she was the woman of scienc...

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1.) Prodigal man, prodigal man, birthright thrown in the garbage can, he’ll come back they’ll understand, prodigal man. 2.) Can we all agree to pretend that SHERLOCK GNOMES wasn’t a real movie, t...

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1.) “Meghan Markle” sounds like the girlfriend of a 5th rate Marvel hero. “Will Speedball’s secret identity ever be figured out by his girlfriend, reporter for the local Spectrum News cable chann...

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1.) Investing in fall-out shelter companies is just setting yourself up for failure. 2.) A word doctor can help you determine if you over-complicate your punctuation with a simple semicolonoscopy...

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gilgamesh the matador and I’m the bull of heaven enkidu picked up a sword he’s been rolling sevens history keeps changing up but myth is writ in stone and here I am anyway feeling all a...

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1.) You know how sometimes failing bands will come up with a “sequel” song to the narrative of their big hit? What about a prequel song? How about a new summer anthem called WHO LOCKED THE DOGS I...

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1.) YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANSON/YEAH, LIKE I STARRED IN “CHEERS” TODAY/YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANSON/YEAH, LIKE I STARRED IN “CHEERS” TODAY 2.) When I see bursts of red on an electoral map, I lik...

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1.) Maybe we could get the fake president to leave us all the hell alone if we just made him the real president of golf instead of the fake president of America. He spends more time on golf than ...

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1.) Only did a lack of imagination cause people to call it “Witness Protection” instead of “Disappearing Inc.” 2.) Doesn’t a “brand ambassador” sound like someone who burns a pattern into your fl...

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Nearly everyone remembers the scene in “Peter Pan” when his shadow tries to escape from its attachment then Wendy captures and manages to sew it back on, yes? Have you ever wondered why his shade...

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one of the new slangs by the kids on the facespaces and the twitzels is to say of someone attractive “oh that person’s such a snack” and I don’t know conflating someone’s lust with their ap...

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I’m astonishingly lucky that my favorite curse word “damn” is considered a relatively tame one. You may not want to say it in front of a child or in church unless you’re quoting from the Bible ve...

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1.) No man is an island, not even Islandman. (He’s actually an isthmus.) 2.) I like to believe that when the actor who voiced Admiral Akbar was told to try out for the role by his agent, he thoug...

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1.) Are you sure you could ACTUALLY handle being a coroner? Remains to be seen. 2.) HOT TAKE: Todd Rundgren’s “Dust In The Wind” is better than Kansas’ song of the same name. 3.) The most damning...

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In every timeline where we killed Hitler early, things ended up as least as bad. Usually worse. Here at Zeitgeist Time Management, sitting outside of causality, we learned this the hard way. Ever...

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1.) I mean, yeah, I’m singing Doors parodies about Deep Space Nine, aren’t you? “Mister O-Do’s Risin’, Mister O-Do’s Risin’, RISIN’ RISIN!” 2.) Sadly, the very smartest of the dinosaurs were too ...

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Sometimes I feel my life has been defined by how few risks I’ve taken, how little stomach I have them. I can’t even parallel park for fear of smashing someone’s car, every driver’s test I’ve take...

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1.) At the end of Willy Wonka, was Violet Beauregarde… berried alive? 2.) The other big thing saving my mind in the middle of this all is a tool my dad left me, maybe even specifically for situat...

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1.) A parody of John Lennon’s WOMAN about a wolfman? 2.) The fact that we don’t have Wishbone around anymore to introduce PBS children to George RR Martin’s work in A GAME OF BONES is a loss for ...

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I was well-jaded to celebrity sightings at that point, working for the modestly famous myself. I wasn’t anyone, of course, just a gofer in a small production office, go for this, go for that but ...

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1.) If you’re writing a story about the Disney and Warner Brothers characters going off to fight in Vietnam and slowly being dragged down into bitterness, madness and despair, you better damn wel...

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1.) People who want “the big corner office” unnerve me. I don’t understand the impulse to having big flashy abusive power. I just wanna work from a computer in a converted closet or from a stage,...

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1.) For the first time in over three months, I wanted to clean the house, it felt like it needed doing, like it was worth doing, like it wasn’t just meaningless in the face of the weight of how a...

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