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1.) I tell the cat “Kitty wants pets? But kitty IS pets!” but he seems to not appreciate my sparkling wordplay. 2.) An emo insult comic with the stage name “Call Out Boy”. 3.) Tonight, I have rea...

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1.) Garfield was named as such because his mother gave birth to him in a field of gar. 2.) Vegan rappers don’t have beef, they have tofeuds. 3.) I think it’s nice that we have a word for complete...

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there are many levels to the Scale of Rhyming Consequences you may not be technically cruising for a bruising but you may well be asking for a taking to a taxing or demandi...

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whenever I’m cleaning in any kind of meaningful way more than just doing dishes clothes or straightening up the dog and the cat always look up at me with mock surprise the dog and t...

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the good news is yes, the world is your oyster the bad news is an oyster is a little bit of snot trapped in an angry rock people pretend is delicious just to gross you the hell out ...

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He should’ve been in Southern California playing first-base for the Dodgers, had life gone the way it seemed into his teens, “Big Ben” Eisen then, nicknamed so for breaking the scoreboard clock w...

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1.) A parody of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” about Bela Lugosi’s dad? 2.) Everybody pretends to be so sanctimonious pure when talking about “refusing to vote for the lesser of two evils” but do y’know wh...

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1.) Saw my dad in a dream this afternoon, napping after getting up at the crack of something to pick mom up from the airport. We went thrifting. It was nice. 2.) If you have a fetish for Japanese...

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1.) I wonder if when the Powerpuff Girls hit puberty, they’ll grow fingers. 2.) I am irrationally bothered when people speak the phrase Super Mario Brothers out-loud as “Super Mario Bros”. Youtub...

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1.) The love of watching people embarrass the crap out of themselves using social-media neologisms in real life conversation is called “fleekophilia”. 2.) Yes, I was singing “The Night Chicago Di...

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1.) Yoda narrating my life: “Begun, The Cleaning Wars have.” 2.) If you want a good rap battle, you have to be very diss-organized. 3.) If you slurp your soup too fast at the sushi bar and get it...

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1.) One of the few good things about the Mets churning through AAAA dross looking for non-embarrassing middle relief arms this year is sometimes one of the bad news bullpen names is really funny:...

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1.) Build the world’s fastest waterslide and call it The Tubin’ Missile Crisis. 2.) Now you got me singing Electric Light Orchestra’s “Mister Blue Sky” as “This Gnu Guy”, Great Space Coaster, jus...

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1.) I mean, I sing HOLD ME CLOSER TINY PANTHER to the cat too but then the dog gets all jealous and pissy. 2.) Today’s serenade to the woof-creature has been to the tune of “Day-Oh”: Hey, Mister ...

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I’m not saying this is true or not, Frank couldn’t tell me either way himself, he could only repeat what he’d been told. The busking license his friend carried read “Cesar Zimmerman” a name he cl...

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It wasn’t that she was ugly because she certainly was not, the problem was more simply that she wasn’t perfect. Looks are not the measure of a woman or a man, of course, but even if they were, by...

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1.) Every business you think millenials are “killing” because they don’t spend money on it anymore is something they’d like to spend money on except the middle-class has been gutted so that douch...

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1.) I wonder if they had to re-title “Die Hard” for German markets so no one would think it was a porno. 2.) It’s weird the way post 9/11 America has fetishized security protocols like a badge of...

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1.) I wonder how many Starfleet personnel refuse assignment on ships named Enterprise, like, “nah, man, the Enterprises always, like, time travel and fight demi-gods and stuff, I just signed on t...

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1.) Call your bat mitzvah band “Jem and the Challahgrams”. 2.) A cooking show that incorporates stand-up comics would be pretty cool. I would called it “Flavor Bombed”. 3.) Repeatedly hitting you...

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Sniffing is, of course, Dog Internet and that’s why they’re as addicted to it as we are to laptops and cellular, able to get by snuffling along low to the ground when there’s no other options but...

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1.) What James Gunn said was disgusting but is it as disgusting as the fact that the people calling him on it are supporters of a “president” who was having Russian agents silence teenage girls h...

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1.) As much as many of the individual events of San Diego Comic Con sound amazing and wonderful and fun, to actually wade into that heaving mass of human confusion and endless lines without the p...

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1.) I think adultswim should record a loop of John C Reilly singing mangled versions of Christmas songs interspersed with rambling digressions, animate his Doctor Steve character on fire, slowing...

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1.) A wizard trickster who only casts really-specific mostly-harmless curses, like making a person confuse “patella” with “paella”. 2.) In your reboot of Highlander for the millenial age, Connor ...

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