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The Bagel Bites jingle as a slow mournful bluegrass dirge. “Pizza… in the… morning. Pizza in… the evening. Pizza.... at supper… time. When pizza is on a bagel.... you can have… pizza… anytim...

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At wizard libraries, they don’t have Summer Reading Challenges. They do have Summoner Reading Challenges but, most of the time, the prizes just end up burning down a peasant town. An ad ...

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The princess was no idiot. She understood a woman in her position was not going to be marrying for love. Royals married for power, for political alliance, for expedience. Her parents were bound ...

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Standing room tickets at concerts only exist as part of a conspiracy between Ticketmaster and Big Lower Back Surgery. French cows be thanking you all “mooey bien”. One of the highest...

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The Stations of the Crossfit! Blaspheme your way to fitness! I wonder if a youth pastor has tried connecting with The Youth by saying “Now, Jesus was a very charismatic speaker… which ma...

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Our shared humanity should supersede every other sub-identification, real or imagined. We should see every other person as exactly us, under the meaningless layers. It doesn’t, though, it ha...

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He did his best thinking while stitching up his employer’s wounds, which he did far more often than most house staff do, but that tends to happen when the employer tends to run about beating dow...

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Why say “macaroni butter” when you could say “elbow grease”? If there’s a God & an afterlife anything like near-Eastern monotheism suggests, I guarantee you when you proclaim your re...

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Things didn’t get more dangerous for any inevitable reason. They got more dangerous as it was profitable to pretend things were more dangerous then the paranoia from the marketing made it re...

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Ultimately, the timing of their heights wasn’t quite enough in tune to get us around to “Fiona Snapple” and that’s a shame. Next time someone is trying to get dates by showing himself in...

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I wonder if at any point in his career, someone told Ted DiBiase “hey, if you’re playing a bad guy, you should call yourself Ted Deviousi instead, that’s a good wrestling name”. At the r...

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I was born with an odd number of wisdom teeth, literally-and-figuratively odd. Three. I’ve been told that’s rather rare, that most people are born with two or four wisdom teeth, sometimes none a...

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I have like ten ideas about the Ben Folds Five album cut “Jackson Cannery” but obscurity is no aid to comedy. A parody about a lich and it’s “and I’ve got my phylactery”? Mash it up with Jam...

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Oh no! The only frozen treat the truck sells is vegan tofutti pops! Goddamn the Good Humourless Man! You will cover Rush songs in a death metal style as TOM SLAYER. Did we ever get a...

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Doing something terrible and then defending yourself with “well, other people have gotten away with it before, so I should be able to as well, it’s only fair!” is the rock-bottom argument fo...

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Magic didn’t just simply come into the world, it ran rampant. The discovery or rediscovery of it, not as a subtle occult force that could be mistaken for coincidence or confidence tricks, not as...

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Why call them “final exams” when you could call them “the testival”? The Fast and the Curious George”. That’s it. That’s that pitch. She’s a 10 but will only address you as “MORTAL!”...

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Why say “atomic half life” when you could say “shrinkflation”? A biting satire of all novelty records called “It Was The Monsters’ Thanksgiving”. A retro video-game chip-tune band ca...

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The Nicholson Joker whispering to you seductively “wait’ll they get a load in ME!” Why say “the drinks are on the house” when you can say “roof beer”? Repelling Amish Superman with h...

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Skeet Ulrich IS Stanley Kowalsky IN “A Skeetcar Named Desire”. The only person who jumps to championship conclusions after just a little success faster than a Jets fan is a Knicks fan. H...

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They called him Powerless Steve. They all did. It didn’t matter if his full legal name was Stephen Baker, someone at that college once called him that once and that nickname just kinda stuck. Th...

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I just keep hearing “will o the wisp” as “we’ll all go west” in this song and I think it says something about me. You can’t just yell OH NO! I MADE A PENGUIN MISTAKE! and not expect peop...

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the Nine Lives Ranch was an open minded community. while it was ruled by a matriarchy of catgirls, it had its place for catboys as well as those who were nyan-binary. Movies are so dark...

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“Double check this stool sample for me” the doctor said, confused and concerned, “this shit doesn’t make any sense.” A great pun, but also a terrible mental image, lay inside the phrase ...

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Mental illness isn’t funny. It’d be cruel to say it is. But it’d also be a lie to say its manifestations, if taken out-of-context, aren’t sometimes as hilarious as they are in-context tragic and...

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