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I play a good victim
a smile, but she’s not joking
tears welled up in the corners of her eyes
tiny shivers of emotions
but they are insincere
I can see it written clearly on your face
You see pa...
it is the worst moment to realize that everything is perfectly clear,
yet not clear at all
You have your answers
they are not what you want
and it makes this way worse
I am splitting
the fractures inside trying to make themselves external
I keep hoping that if I hold myself quiet and together for long enough
the fractures will heal
and things will go back to no...
Come and find me
where I am true and honest
nothing other than what I want to be
completely unlike the plastered faces
silent smiles that others find
the rigid roles we are all forced to play
you are ok
you are here and kind and good
love with your whole heart
run until your lungs are empty
feel the ground beneath your fingers
don’t look at that bridge
and think of how fast the water...
it is a distinct memory
a sharply contrasted image
of a person I once was
the strange joy of driving a forest road at dusk, winding swiftly between trees on a empty road.
you don’t say anything, ...
a fragile nature that creeps in slowly
maybe I am glass
shattered in the moments you least expect
a fantastic explosion
maybe I will withstand time and carelessness
a delicate heirloom to be pass...
scrape yourself against the crust of the earth
the dust of thousands of years burning your lungs
feel the rumbles
ever so slightly
on it’s own
she is the one that holds all the po...
it is hard to move forward when your strongest personality trait is self deprecation
tomorrow I will turn 26
I don’t know where I expected to be at this age
was I supposed to be married? Have kid...
I have been 1000 people
worn 1000 faces
I can be beautiful
I can be ugly
I can be smart
I can be a coward
A fact in denial:
You deserve to feel shitty about yourself if you do shitty things
Gasping for air
lungs on fire
one arm in front of the other
I am slow and struggling
Have I done this before?
pushed down under the surface
it roils and boils against me
I used to love it in clea...
hoping to drink away my lack of sleep
the world feels large and overwhelming
I hope this is the right choice
I am glad that I had this opportunity to push myself to the very limit, no matter what...
California is burning
my heart hurts like my lungs
as they fill with smoke
and somehow there is also numbness
it will keep getting worse
the roaring flames will eventually take everything
Sometimes I think this is the only honesty within me
the words hiding here, poured out at inconsistent intervals
my idea of who I am is changing
this program is erasing so much of that numbness t...
in a series of dichotomies
there lies reality
objects placed in a metaphysical realm
I am the literal, the biologist
the concrete and measurable
looking for patterns and secrets
a story untold
Hi I am alive
and OK I guess
I am a month and a half into grad school
and it has awakened my soul
and also pushed me to limits I didn’t even know I had
I don’t have time to write right now but he...
a slow dance inhaling
a golden breath of sunshine
your eyes are too much for me
so many words unsaid
so little time
you are all the men I had loved
the sparkling future almost forgotten
find me i...
I am not ok
I do not know who to tell
I reached out to friends but the time has passed too long
this is my fault
given some time for reflection
I realize that I have been buying clothes/makeup because I am lonely
because if I dress a certain way, do my make-up a certain way
magically I will be happy and fee...
got in a plane and away we went
landed at london heathrow
to no internet,
to English beaches where the sun sets in the wrong place
greenness that feels refreshing and alive compared to my brown...
when you hold everything in
it comes in comes bubbling
like an angry frothy sea
and here I am
standing on the edge of a cliff
watching my heart
splash against the rocks
foam churning wa...
do you ever wonder if those instincts you get about someone
when they say something
and you feel like you know also what they are not saying
even when you don’t know them all that well
maybe it i...
For a multitude of reasons I guess
I have been lost in a sea of my own thoughts
Open Diary let me re-download my old entries
and it was like a time capsule for my earl...
think think think
I see words
filling every crevice
slipping down the side of my cup
but there is nothing
between black curving letters
I hear you
gasping for air
I feel nothing...
this song makes me think of santa fe
but I am here
emptiness can be so loud
like a thundering vacuum
my dissatisfaction with myself feels like 1000 pounds
the dry air makes it hard to catch my b...