don't think twice, it's alright in formless

I have that anxious buzzing feeling
like there are too many thoughts in my head so I just avoid them all
staring mindlessly at my phone

Sometimes when I write why exactly I am feeling this way I can concentrate better, we’ll see if this works I guess.

I hate to even write this (and I believe I have before… so sorry if this is repetitive)
But I struggle a lot with the world my partner comes from ( and he does too I think, which is why he picked someone like me)

There is so much emphasis on money

how much money so and so makes (more than us)
what expensive things that so and so bought (that we could never dream of affording)
So and so bought a house (which we so desperately want and tried to do but not with the housing market right now)

I’ll be honest, I get triggered (idk if that’s the right term but it’s the closest thing I could think of) when I see people in his family showing off brand new designer things that cost more than my entire budget for my nursery
at this point we’re the only ones at the table with non designer items when we sit down for dinner
I feel like an ugly, poor duckling.
I’m not saying they actually do but it feels like they look down on us for not having or being able to afford those kinds of things.

I worry (pre emptively and un-necessarily) about my child being raised in this family and not having the same things as his cousins (M’s brother has a baby that will be less than a year older than ours) and feeling less than them. This is my own trauma from childhood.

There is so much more to life than money, so much joy and happiness that is completely free and I feel so much better when I am around people who think about other things than money.
but it is also a choice I made to be part of this world so onward we must go.

I am doing my best to ground myself and find happiness and gratitude, and these feelings that M’s family stirs in me ebb and flow so I know soon I will be fine again. I blame pregnancy hormones.

So for today I am grateful for:
1. Healthy baby boy on my 20wk ultrasound
2. the financial flexibility to quit a toxic job
3. sunshine and sour jelly beans

love and Coleoptera,

Sayornis