Purple hat in formless

I am teaching now.
I teach college students, in the program I got my masters in.

I don’t feel like I deserve to be here.
I was not a star student (solidly in the middle)
I am really struggling with the mental load. I mentioned this last time but my brain feels different. It has so much space consumed with my son’s needs, the other stuff (that I need to teach) is getting squeezed out.

My presentations are written in the day before, pretty much everything is flying by the seat of my pants.

My son is still waking up at least twice at night, but often 4-5.
Everyone tells you about the sleep deprivation when you have kids.
But it’s the tired to the bones, getting up every few hours, for months on end that truly is hard to convey to those who haven’t experienced it.

I’ve had to accept that I am going to make mistakes, and that I have to give myself as much time as possible because I will need it.

It’s funny I feel like such an impostor when this job pays so poorly.
And I took it mostly to hold onto myself. The one I was afraid to lose.

To remind myself that I am still there, beyond being a mom.

Nothing can prepare you for 50 college freshman staring you down blankly as you ask them a question. And again, the next time you ask them a question.

And then send you 20 emails after class asking questions that I had a slide answering and I verbally answered in class.

love and little purple flowers
(can you guess what I am teaching?)
Phoebe