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Page 22 of 218

I finally had an even better idea for a parody of Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne” than making it about Kid Icarus. GET ALONG, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET, GET ALONG TIM CHALAMET. One of the lit...

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In Hill Valley California, the Mandela Effect is known as “The Twin Pines Effect”, on account of people who inexplicably remember The Lone Pine Mall being called The Twin Pines Mall. The cher...

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Frankenberry was the cereal. Dr. Frankenberry was the true monster. “Golf! Brought to you by the people who funded the 9/11 terrorist attacks!” is one of those things I never would’ve predict...

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“If you’re the last of your kind,” I asked tentatively, gently as I could, “and it’s been that way for ages?” “Both of which I’m,” Frank interposed, “reasonably certain.” “So why do so many rando...

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A landscaping fetish involves a lot of weed-whacking and a whole lot of edging. I hope the person who does the medical tests for high-end brothels is called a “notary pubic”. The fact that ...

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Shredder was pretty good with short-term battlefield tactics, but when it came to the long-view planning, Krang was the brains of the operation. A motorcycle that runs on beer called a Barley...

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Yosemite Sam didn’t want to do the appearance and signing at the furry convention his agent offered him but he knew he really needed the money. “Great,” he muttered sarcastically as he signed t...

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If you want to know why you’re always hit on the most and the weirdest and the worst outside of the local gas stations it’s because the gas stations profit from being ...

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If it were easy, everyone would already have it done. Tesla Motors is the Disney Galactic Starcruiser of cars. Constantly pretend to confuse Thomas Pynchon with Bronson Pinchot, “Balki” fro...

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Power, most acutely power over others, seems to be our universal human allergen. We all react so badly to power. With concentrated enough dosage, we begin to lose some of the most useful tools th...

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We didn’t call microwaves “Defrigerators” and I think that’s on the all of us. That’s an unforced error. We just weren’t thinking at the time. I hope the first legal marijuana shop in Maine i...

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Call all the extradimensional aid you want, that dragon’s still gonna make you into summoner sausage. Ant-Man and The Atom in a winner-take-all diminution derby. I think I’ll call my used m...

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Red licorice is supposed to be strawberry. The most delicious fake strawberry Dow Chemicals’ wildest dreams could conceive. Cherry? Really? We didn’t crawl outta the muck into the trees and bac...

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When the moon parachutes / right on up your own snoot / ParAmore Sometimes to be a good person, you gotta be bad at being a person. Shut off the “achieve, acquire, dominate” drive from our an...

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You may have noticed a growing emphasis inside what’s left of our shared culture on alternative Earths, parallel dimensions, multiverses. Roads not taken, what-ifs, mulligans for all regrets. You...

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When a Canadian gets frustrated, they will often say “well, that just bags my milk”. Has there been a stoner comedy about a feudal uprising called “SERFS UP” yet or is this world just perpetu...

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if it weren’t for all my sacrilege I would have no rilege at all and if I had me a good slingshot there’d be one less Policeman’s Ball because I may be kind of tall but I cheer a Golia...

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Facebook puts really good looking people who you do not actually know into your “People You May Know” feed just to torment you. It doesn’t make you use Facebook more, though, it makes you want ...

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Head-canon that they’re not called “Pokemon” because they’re “pocket monsters” but because they mutated from eating poke bowls filled with mutagens from Monstano. Where the sperm starts, wher...

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We’d been waiting on it for weeks: my uncle’s yearly request for a Christmas tree. He’s a virtual shut-in due to mental illnesses, has lived on the third floor of my grandparents’ house nearly-fi...

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Why has there never been a crossover between the video games COMMAND & CONQUER and CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY? It seems like a gimmie, you guys. There should be more wedding receptions where pe...

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If you aim for the stars with the correct trajectory, you will quickly die in the frozen vacuum of space. If you aim for the stars and end up shooting the moon, you will quickly die in the froz...

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Injected myself with insulin, for the first time. Life goes on, I suppose, until such time as it no longer does. There’s a lot worse things to suffer, of course, of course, but it’s A Sign and on...

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If they tell you should smile more, turn around and run. If they naturally make you smile more, they’re the one, they’re the one. Having never seen Succession, I’m just assuming that’s the ma...

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Michael Cecconi of Little Falls, forty-four, shuffled off his mortal coil Monday December 4th, tumbling down three flights of stairs in a Victorian McMansion converted into a library while attemp...

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